Forgiven lazy husband - reconcilliation possible?

[rayzzz]

Does anyone have DB mouth clamp or staple gun?
Its so hard not to just start yapping away and throw in a bit of pleading so they will stay. I guess in my case its because as you said sandi2 I am trying to talk her out of it now that the end is near ( i mean as our separation approaches) 180 and detach I know.
All she said was "how do you feel about living with ___?" and I should have just said "fine" with a huge 180 smile. Instead I crumpled and told her "how do you think I feel I am rolling with the punches (you have given me)" *sigh*
open mouth, insert foot. Well I am going to fortify my willpower now and just talk with as few only positive words as possible. DB reloaded and ready for round two.

Oh and I have three job interviews upcoming. Yay!

[sandi2]

You're not going to be able to talk your way out.......or back in, as the case may be.

Good luck on your job interviews. That is great!!

[rayzzz]

Update time!

So I was feeling very wretched this morning, missing my wife and thinking of all the ways i could apologize to her and show her my remorse so she would have me back as her husband. I was replaying the tapes as my heart was slowly punctured again and again, but then I wrote in small pen on my palm "Detach, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, no expectations"
Took that to heart added some God thoughts and prayer and pulled out of it. Realized again there is no more need to apologize...I have said sorry for a few months pre-DB. The only thing to do is just love the new changed repentant me and hope that she can too. Deep breaths

[sandi2]

Realized again there is no more need to apologize...I have said sorry for a few months pre-DB.

Exactly, and in fact, it could turn her off more. Apologizing over & over again becomes too begging/pleading/needy to be attractive to a WAW.

[rayzzz]

Thanks Sandi2, no more spologizing.

Today's big pre-talk:disclosing to inLaws and kids next week

I am quite proud of myself. 4C just about killed me today. I had a paper and pen in hand to be extra attentive and we made some great scripts to share for "Dis"(closure) days. Will tell inLaws first and then a week later kids.
The big stabbing wound today was when she said "Ok ..I just want to make sure the kids don't ever think we are going to get back together again". I just bit my lip quietly and made sure I didnt scream out, wail, cry and beg. I just nodded quietly and wonder of wonders, I went 180 and did not freak but stayed strong!
I am believing none of it...
Through the whole hour I just kept deep breathing and projected confidence and with just a blip or two...caught myself wanting to give her the 4th degree about how divorce would wreck our kids blah blah...
The only other awesome highlight is when we decided to answer our children:
"...well sometimes mommys and daddys have problems that are too hard to fix so when we live in different houses we will be able to work on these hard problems"
She may not have meant it but it is said so hopefully her heart will go there as well so we can both change.
so now I know God was with me and I am going to meditate and pray some peace, DETACH and look forward to taking my 8yr old to her first symphony tonight.

[rayzzz]

So DR question on "more of the same"...(step #4)
Michelle asks what kind of arguments keep coming up and to be solutions based and do the opposite. I totally agree but our problem is we dont have any arguments cause we never talk about anything. She just never says anything and I have been pouty and get my way all the time...i have just steam rollered over my WAW...another reason she is walking out the door. Now that I have realized this I guess our solutions based action for me would be to initiate and talk about all the sex and money problems we have pushed under the carpet.
But she doesnt want to talk to me about anything at all.....so I guess I have to wait till the LRT/180/ going dark works...really hoping it does.... and then when she wants to talk about R I can bring it up. That is such a lame answer but its true right?

[sandi2]

In that example, yes. If you don't argue (or talk right now), then that was only an example you read in the book.

More of the same is to apply to your particular stitch. It could be applied to your pouting. It is not a solution that worked well in the past. To continue displaying that behavior whenever you didn't get things the way you wanted.....would be kind of crazy, right? I mean, in the past it may have served as manipulation, but if you continued with more of the same, how far do you think it would carry you? Instead of doing more of the old behaviors, try something different next time and see if that is a better solution.

[rayzzz]

emotionally rough morning.
So besides learning how to detach you have to learn one other real skill:

ignoring your own fabricated arguments.

I was caught in this swirl, absolutely because of stress of telling her parents in two days. Its just going to wreck everything..for us...kids...i know i know it will just be different.kept having to turn off my thoughts where I wanted to accuse her of wrecking everything, that its better for kids to have a parent die than go through divorce...why are you giving up on us WAW when only you win and everyone else loses.....plead plead, whine, accuse.
Ok enough of that foolishness. Gonna keep at my LRT and get some housecleaning done, look after my sick D8 and play with S3 D5. Research some new GAL activities like gardening. my wife always complained I never shared this passion of hers so I am now gonna see what all the fuss is about (know its theraputic). I am planning on growing her some flowers and giving them to her when the R gets better...and thats gonna take a long time. oh and its sunday so a couple more prayers get to hit the sky over this whole SITCH. Any other suggestions to help me break these annoying fabricated arguments?

[rayzzz]

oh and another thing. What is up with "Divorce Parties"?!?!
My WAW went to one last year and gleefully made a red jello molded heart she had a plastic knife sticking out of....maybe foretelling our present awful sitch.

I am hoping culture catches on to a term we can coin here called the"Hallelujah Divorce busted and happily reconciled party" a little wordy but it will do!

[rayzzz]

Hey if you are in LRT and WAW starts warmin up to you do you talk about relationship now (trying to avoid our separation in 3 weeks) or still be a little coy? Thanks