Sometimes Mish, we can become comfortable in our discomfort. The familiar can be comforting whether it is positive or negative...it's what we know. Have you scripted yourself a victim role? Just askin'. Now, let's say he does say "yes" to marriage is that going to ensure that he remains faithful to you? Nope. Maybe that's the issue you're having a tough time with. There is no insurance plan for fidelity and that is pretty damn frightening. Married or not, he will step out on you if he wants to and you can't control that. I think you have your hopes pinned on marriage as a way of taking away that fear when maybe it's that fear itself you need to address. Anyway, just thinking out loud here, take it or leave it. I feel for you Mish!
I really like what Wii has said. Because even with a wedding ring & vows - there are no guarantees that he will stay. Every one of us here knows that well.
I think you believe that Marc is the glue that has kept you together the past few years - & you know you are about to lose the glue. But that does not mean you will lose Gabe.
Personally - I would not ask him for a commitment even though that is what you really want. Because you seem to sense (& you know him better than we do) that the asking will make him run. But actions speak louder than words. Instead of a forced confrontation - why don't you work more on creating the life YOU want with him. The life that revolves around the 2 of you as a couple - not the one that revolves around Marc. You need dates, walks, a special treat - things you did when you were younger. You don't really have to spend a lot - go out doe ice cream or to the movies. Slip him a love note in his lunch. & I think he will begin to do the same for you.
Believe that he will stay, not that he will leave.
I have hesitated to advise you about this lately because I want the same thing from Josh - the vows, commitment & the wedding. But, unlike you, I don't live with the feeling I am going to lose him. I know that he committed when he bought the house with me. And the way we talk about the future. And as much as I'd love the wedding - he just does not - but that's the compromise I'm willing to make - because the relationships is great otherwise.
When my marriage ended - I learned the hard way that the more you try to hold onto someone & force your own agenda - the more they pull away. That is why I believe that if you drop the reins but keep the atmosphere friendly & loving - you will have a better chance of achieving harmony.
Gabe may be afraid if recommitting because he failed the first time. I think Josh is afraid after seeing the effect of divorce on me. But for whatever reason - you & I are in the same boat. But I choose to see the good in in & make the life that I want with him.
Personally - I don't think Gabe is going anywhere. But if he does - there was probably nothing you could have done about it other than what I suggest. If the atmosphere is not fraught with your fears of him leaving but with the joy of your loving life together - it's a place he's not likely to want to run from.
Let it go! Live one day at a time. And stop basing your entire life's enjoyment around what one man does or doesn't do.
And remember that if the worst were to happen (in your mind - that would be him leaving) - well you've already survived that. And a vibrant girl like you would pick herself up, dust herself off & go on!
Good advice. I just think if you are so obviously trying to convince yourself that you are fine, then you aren't. If it is so clear to you what you want, need and deserve,why settle for anything else?
Barb, I think it would be hard to be in your place. There is love and commitment there just not the ceremony and legality. You have been compromising, what is Josh's compromise? Could you have a declaration of love ceremony or something along those lines, if you want that ?
Love, why does it get so complicated?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Josh (a seemingly confirmed bachelor) has mad a lot of compromises. First - buying a second house. Second - driving to said second house every week where he takes on probably more than half the work as well as doing so much to help me with the cats, cooking, cleaning etc. third - he has taken on the commitment of helping look after Ryan - all the time I'm in Florida he comes here & stays with him 3 nights a week.
Just the commuting (2.5 or 3 hours) every weekend is a lot.
Just my observation.
Yes - I wish he "got" how much I'd love the ring & the wedding but in my mind - I'm one of the luckiest girls alive to have a guy like him.
