Help please

[Maybell]

Less weepy today, which is wonderful. Reading about impact of divorce on kids; it's not hopeful. My kids are going to go through the wringer. Not to say they can't come out the other side, but it looks like it's going to be every bit as awful as I've been anticipating. Last night my S8 asked when he was coming home and when I said "tomorrow" I had to add "but I don't think he's going to stay the night." The look on his face hurt me. My husband hasn't had to see any of this yet.

This makes me so angry at my husband. That he could be so selfish, never (even still, after 6-8 months of MC) give me much of a clue about what exactly he has been missing from the relationship, or even that he seems to know; mostly he just has been trying to decide if "this is what he wants." So that I feel like I've been expected to mind-read for our entire marriage, and it is failing because I'm not telepathic. And now my kids are going to suffer, even if it's just for the period of a separation and we don't divorce.

I don't know where I stand. It's getting harder to remember good things from our relationship, though I know they are there, and I know that somewhere deep in this stranger who has taken over my husband there is a wonderful man who I love very deeply. Two years ago he would have been merciless in his ridicule of this sort of behavior.

I will be going to see my IC tomorrow morning but my H is coming home tonight from his trip to say good night to the kids and collect clothes for the week. Supposedly we are going to touch base about how we communicate the separation with the kids and figure out how to spend the weekend also. I'm curious to see how that's going to go.

He wants me to leave the house and let him stay here in the guest room while I go stay in his hotel room so he can be with the kids. I do NOT want to do that, but I also don't want to make things harder for my kids than it needs to be. The only alternative is for us to both stay in the house this weekend, with him in the guest room.

Any thoughts?

I know I'm not detaching, though I'm trying. I haven't spoken to him since the phone conversation mentioned above, and have only exchanged two emails (one where he asked me if he should get a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment, and one where I shared with him a book about helping kids through divorce). I don't really want to talk to him and I'm not looking forward to tonight at all.

If any of you out there are the praying types, I wouldn't mind if you could spare one for me, that I am able to contain myself when I see him, to listen, validate, respond thoughtfully, and not let myself get sidetracked or upset. I'll return the favor.

Thanks.

[Thornton]

Hi Maybell,

I'm new at this as well so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I think before your WAH comes back, he's going to need to respect you.

Do you want to leave the house so he can stay there with the kids? If not, then don't! Show him that this was HIS decision. And HE will need to make arrangements if he wants to see the kids.

Making it easy for him might make him think you are a doormat. Would you want to be in a relationship with a doormat? No. Neither does he.

I'm not saying be mean or aggressive. Simply tell him you won't be leaving the house in a calm manner. He might spew anger over this but don't let him get a reaction from you. You are going to have to get it in his head, that you can and will live happily without him. Easier said than done, as I'm in the same boat you are.

Keep posting here, we're all cheering you on.

[hope456]

He wants me to leave the house and let him stay here in the guest room while I go stay in his hotel room so he can be with the kids. I do NOT want to do that, but I also don't want to make things harder for my kids than it needs to be. The only alternative is for us to both stay in the house this weekend, with him in the guest room.

Any thoughts?

First, sorry you find yourself here. Keeping posting and you'll get feedback from others.

I agree with what Thornton is telling you. If you don't want to leave your home and stay in your H's hotel room, don't do it. Be calm and tell him that you are staying in your home. If he chooses to stay there in the guest room, do something to GAL outside of the house while he is there. Meet up with friends, go to the gym, do something. He'll still have some time with the kids and you'll have some time to take care of you.

[adinva]

If he's looking for an apartment, then the window of time where he has noplace to take them for his nights with them is a limited amount of time. Get through it in the way that is best for the kids and okay for you.

I toyed with for a while the idea of asking H to pay for me to have a hotel room so I could have respite while he is overnight with the kids. You don't have to stay in HIS hotel room, I would also have an emotional problem with that. But you could stay somewhere, use the gym and hot tub, get a manicure, ask him to pay for it for you so that he can be with the kids until he has an appropriate home for them to come to.

That would be my first choice because a mom needs respite.

Second choice would be letting him stay in the guestroom while you stay in your room but definitely go out and don't hang around.

Whatever you decide as a way to handle this can be modified next time if you feel it didn't work out well, and will definitely change when he's in a permanent place where the kids have rooms. So just get through it for now and observe what is best for the kids.

[Maybell]

This is just so not fun.

So last night was actually fairly pleasant. He got in from his trip and was dropped off at his car, which was at the office, and it was dead. So he had to call and ask me to come get him, which I did.

He kissed the kids good night and then I offered him a beer. He was glad to take it and sat down and seemed to (fractionally) relax. So we just spent some time talking about how the week had gone, books we'd been reading, shows we were watching. This was pleasant and he relaxed a fraction more.

There was almost no relationship talk. He started to and I stopped and asked him if it was important to him that we talk about that and he said no. I said I was burnt out on trying to process through everything that had happened, that it was not productive at this time, and that really we needed to just be in a place where we could speak pleasantly to each other since at a minimum we were going to have to co-parent for the next 15 years. He relaxed another fraction and agreed.

There were a few serious things we had to communicate to each other.

Apartments in town are almost all 1-year leases. He seemed apologetic about that (this isn't mind-reading, I just know him well). In a text a couple of days ago he was worried about the expense of a 2BR vs. a 3BR, because "this is our money." We have three kids, so I don't know what his thoughts are about this.

He doesn't want to plunder the house for furniture at all, but seems to have no clue how he's going to furnish it. He has only thought of 1 bed, for himself; but as I say, we have THREE kids. This should be interesting. I do not intend to help him at all.

He was anxious that I not spend a ton of money on lawyers. This seems insane to me. He is an executive, we are fairly well off, though we've moved so frequently that our finances are relatively simple all things considered. In some ways it's like this is all so unreal to him that he can't fathom that lawyers are even called for. (Is someone going to call me out for mind-reading?) He says he's not ready to consider divorce yet, which is why I'm working hard to just make our interactions for the time being pleasant and light. Anymore weight will just break him in two; nor will it help my state of mind.

I've decided to ignore the "friendship" with the OW. She's in another country and he won't be going back there for the foreseeable future. She can't come here because of her daughter. She is in no position to provide him with anything more than conversation, and apparently she turned him down for sex the last time he was there. This won't go away by my pitching a fit about it. I don't think this is feeding him cake, but if anyone has other views I certainly welcome them.

I told him I wasn't going to leave the house this weekend. I said there was no way I was going to drop a bomb like that on the kids and then disappear for the weekend. He is not happy about it -- objected to staying in the guest room on the grounds that it would be confusing for them. I held my position.

I think my guy has lost his mind. He's working WAY too hard, he's trying to keep a lot of plates up in the air and has been adding to them by planning a new household for himself, and he's ADD (not treated). He's losing his hair and has been worrying about that a lot, almost every day. I am worried about him.

OK, so worrying about him is not detaching. Today I feel OK. I feel like I have a handle on what the next year is going to be like (though I don't know the outcome, but I am managing my responsibilities all right and I know whatever comes is within my range of abilities), so I feel like for today I can worry about him coming to pieces without feeling like it's making me come to pieces. I couldn't do that a week ago.

How do you all write such short posts? I feel like I'm writing novels every time I show up here. But thanks for providing this space and some feedback, it really helps.

[Maybell]

He said tonight that my working so hard to turn things around makes him feel worse about what he's done to me. He can see the changes I've made. Still doesn't know if we'll stay married.

Of course not. And my mistake for trying to even find out. Stupid me. But we're telling the kids about separating this weekend. And I've been reading a book about how this is going to hit them and I feel sick.

He told MC last week that he feels more at peace away from me. Of course; he feels guilty AND he was communicating with OW. Of course he doesn't want to face me now. So easily solved from my perspective. Reminder to me: OW is an absolute deal-breaker and best case scenario it will take a long time to assure she's gone. Which I assume she isn't yet. Grrrrr.

At least my state has a one-year waiting period for a full divorce. I need more patience. I wish I were built differently.

[Maybell]

He's signing a lease today. This was really hard for me.

Things to fear:
1. There is an OW in the wings and this is a first step out the door and I don't know it. Other kinds of lying. (Separate from the OW I know about that I choose to ignore)
2. We won't recover.

Things to be angry about:
1. The impact of this on the kids.
2. Why can't he find himself from home??
3. Why couldn't we have interacted more honestly throughout our relationship so we didn't get to this point?
4. How hard it is to put any trust in what he's saying now about trying to grow into a place of honesty in our dealings with one another.

Things to be happy about:
1. If real, the conversations between the two of us have been closer and more real than they had been in years.
2. Love and support from friends and family that I've never permitted myself to rely on.
3. Twenty pound weight loss!!
4. Television, books, and Candy Crush that can distract me from obsessing.
5. My own self, how social I've always been, the network I've built for myself, the resources I have that make GAL kind of a done thing.
6. My own self, that I am resourceful enough to make reasonable plans and understand how to bring them about.
7. That we are well enough off that I don't have to worry about the house at this time.
8. My beautiful, precious children. (God grant we pull together to help them weather the awful bomb we're about to drop on them)
9. The possibility of experiencing a first kiss again, the butterflies of dating someone who excites me, the idea of coming back to life after years of just being a SAHM whose fairytale was permanently in the "happily ever after stage." What a boring place that was. Now life can be fresh again, whether it's eventually with my husband or with someone else.
10. No matter what, he's in my life for forever. Mine or not, he's a great person (in spite of the pain of the last year-plus). I've grown because of him from when I was 23. I can choose to live in friendship with him or I can choose to live in enmity; whether or not we are married we can be peaceful with one another. That choice I get to make.

This year is going to happen no matter what. It's not going to be "my lost year." It's going to be "my found year." It's going to be intentional. I don't need to miss anything just because my husband doesn't want to live with me right now. I've got this.

[Maybell]

Woke up at 4 am disturbed, unsure why I can't sleep. After an hour realized I'm so angry and disgusted by him I want to choke.

I want to reunite my family, but is it normal to be unsure if the WH is worth the investment?

I have an appointment with an attorney in two weeks. I'm thinking about how to prep, not sure what my options are or what I should do to protect myself but in such a way that I don't destroy my chances of rebuilding with him.

He asked me not to spend too much on the lawyer, but he is trying to rent a swanky 2BR downtown, furnish it for himself with no provision for kids. (But at the moment wants them almost 50/50, except for me to "babysit" while he's at work).

I'm going to do what I think is right about the lawyer.

I do care about OW, she's a deal-breaker. But I'm not going to break my heart over her.

Am I normal? To want to put our family back together, to want our old age together, and also to want to see him choke on his own cruel and selfish choices? How does a person overcome this anger and stand for the marriage?

I am SO not looking forward to this weekend.

[claire7]

^^^ totally totally normal!
And regarding spending money: every time I am faced with a choice about spending $$ on something that will help me heal and grow (therapy, a weekend retreat, a lawyer), I remind myself that he has spent thousands so far on apartment, furniture, etc so that he can heal and move on away from me. So, we do what we need and deserve to do to move on.

The reality for your H is that separation or D are really really expensive! And all your $ (at least in my state) is communal property. So, don't spend out of spite, and now that what you spend now is what you won't have on your own later if you D, but make the choice that feels right for you.

If I were you I would definitely consult a L to see what my rights and options were. Your future and financial security is at stake.

[Maybell]

Told the kids this morning. They took it quietly.

He has made a lot of noise about how important my friendship is to him. I told him yesterday that OW is a deal-breaker. I can't be friends with someone who is confiding in a person who is such a huge source of pain to me. That is my issue and has nothing to do with what I think of the relationship at all. But it is a deal-breaker. I think he heard me. But I don't expect to know what he decides about that, or when. And it wouldn't matter, because his word is no longer good and I don't have the means to check up on him since so much of their communication occurs on technology that I don't have access to. So we'll see what happens.

He has been thoughtful in big and small ways, so there is at least the possibility that we may be friends again someday, because nothing new is happening to excite my hostility. And I'm proud of how self-aware I've been, walking away when I feel too emotional, finding things to do while he's here, etc. This evening after the kids go to bed should be interesting.

I still feel like I'm on the right track for myself. I don't know what will happen with the marriage. But setting my own expectations for what I need is very freeing. He may come back or he may not. We may end up divorced, or not. I may have to sell the house, or not. Either way there are things to look forward to so I'm trying to be curious about the future rather than hung up on it. Right now I just want my kids to be ok.

All that said, I'm a little distracted by some teeny-tiny in-law issues. Sigh. Humans are so imperfect.