Forgiven lazy husband - reconcilliation possible?

[rayzzz]

Nit84, VFL, Sandi

Thanks my friends for your thoughtful advice. I think depositing money into her new bank account (when she opens one) sounds like the best option to "play it cool" (thx sandi)

As for today we had a brief talk about how we are going to break the news to her parents and our kids. Had the stupid thought of getting her parents to gang up on her to help save this marriage but for sure that would wreck this even worse.

But another "me" issue has come up ....been aware of this with counselling lightly that I have this vibe that I give off to Atara ---kind of a pouty controlling vibe whenever she does something I don't approve of. This is how I have manipulated her and made her stay and "take care of me" all these dysfunctional years.

Well now I can "recognize" it and sometimes it just breaks thru when i am 180ing.
I am not even *saying* anything but there is this tension in the air and I just have to leave the room to kill it. Man! I know the only thing that will save this M is if I give her freedom to leave.....so she will be free and willing to come back.

But on a good note I joined an ultimate frisbee group. (I have never played team sports, just fun drop in ones and never frisbee) and she was quite shocked kept saying "we'll it looks like you are doing new things too!" And i am pretty convinced my WAW is in some sort of MLC too. All her new things: listening to rock music like crazy ...buying iTunes songs like crazy, smoking again after 13years break (as long as we have been married), new clothes, new sexy short haircut. If I didn't know any better WAW may be DB but I do love the new her too. She is a lot more exciting cause she is not letting me (old me) weigh her down...
Thank God for both of us I am changing. We can take our new transformations and have a new transformed marriage.

[rayzzz]

Hope someone can help me out with disclosing to her parents:
Next week we have called a meeting with her family (my family is not in the city)
Who we spend a lot of babysitting time with to break the news of our separation.
I know they really value me as part of the family. Now after we tell them (maybe I should break the news gently instead of my WAW? Or should she cause its her parents?)
Should I add "This is not what I want" or should I just shut up. Probrably not a good idea to bring up issues in front of everyone or even talk about our marriage problems even if they press.....
Actions are louder than words right?

[sandi2]

I do not advise you to deposit money into her personal account! Only the account that pays for the expenses.

Her getting her a personal account is a step a WAW takes as her indepence gets closer. You should not boost that balance.

As for telling her parents, I believe you could can be present while she explains to her parents. Mainly to make sure she doesn't put her spin on things. If you want to say that D is not what you want, I think it would be okay........if she leaves the impression that both of you are in agreement. (However, her parents will probably ask if it is what both of you want, without you volunteering the information ). I do not believe you should get into any relationship discussion while at her parents.

Even when the in-laws love you and are not happy with your S, when push comes to shove, that is their child and they will support her. And I think most parents want their daughter to be M to a man who provides for his family.......no matter how much they like him.

[rayzzz]

Thanks Sandi. I think she is just going to have one bank account to look after everything so I will rethink how I can bless her with money under the radar still.

and I absolutely agree about working. In our 13 years of marriage I haven't been consistent but i have worked full time as a job developer and in human resources for about half our married life but just flaked into part time in the last couple years. 180ing and working ft is very achievable so I think I will just be present with our disclosure to parents, let them know if asked that I want to work on M, but maybe just let my actions speak for themselves. Working full time looking after myself and kids and showing a less needy "look after me demeanor"

She did waffle today though and followed me around the house looking sad and trying to start some conversation which I engaged in very briefly but cheerfully. She kept saying " It feels like we haven't talked in forever" and inside I was like yeah I know I am 180ing you....;D

Then she made some compliments on "wow you have lost some weight" translation you look good! I did not tell her it is partially due to stress of M and not eating besides my mad jogging habit I have 180ed into. but all in all today is the best interaction I have had in weeks! so hurray 180s! Gonna keep my head in the game now and go in for the long haul of change.

[sandi2]

She did waffle today though and followed me around the house looking sad and trying to start some conversation which I engaged in very briefly but cheerfully. She kept saying " It feels like we haven't talked in forever" and inside I was like yeah I know I am 180ing you....;D

Crazy, huh? They want to leave, but at the same time, want you to feel bad for them. Just got through reading a post where the WAW in an A turned up at LBH'S place crying over her own misery. It seems to be common for them to act this way when reality starts setting in.

She is going to want you to be her friend, and will probably ask for hugs.

Keep up the good work.

[rayzzz]

Just thought I'd check in.
Things seem to be a little bit better than back to normal. Since the 'cold-thaw' two days ago when my wife was the nicest and most curious she has ever been about me since she dropped the "D" word two months ago. She has withdrawn a bit cautiously but maybe she is getting her guard up again because I am 180ing and going a bit dark--detaching but appearing friendly and happy with boundaries. Honestly I wanna scream and pole vault over my boundaries and just gush about my love for her but I know that would send me back about fifty miles in progress. She keeps hinting that we should have a conversation...about our separation...about the logistics of moving out and the kids? I dont know but I will wait a few days and when she really presses will start a dialogue.
You veterans are all right about not getting too happy too fast over progress that happens. I was overjoyed she wanted to be near me again, but now she has cooled so this is a battle of "seeing if my changes stick" and her "I'm going to re-committ myself" to the M sticks. Right now I am breathing those deep breathless sighs over the WAW I love but gonna stay on the operating table and keep changing my heart and life ruthlessly.another couple hours of job hunting awaits me.

[rayzzz]

Blah! WAW just came in the door, I said something like "Hi, welcome back" and she says "what's wrong? Why are you so grumpy?"

Has anyone addressed the fact that 180ing can be extremely hard if you are a bad liar?*sigh*
Well I have fooled her before and I guess I got to up my "no expectations" so I can act as if more. I am sure my game face will get better ;D

[gogofo]

I understand how you feel about being a liar. Acting "as if" I never took as lying, I took it as practice for whom I was becoming. It does take practice and I cannot imagine having to do it while under the same roof. Have you watched the TED talk about faking it till you become it and power positions to boost self-esteem? They really helped me. I will see if I can find their specific titles and speaker's names.

[rayzzz]

Hey that would be great! I love TEDtalks. I just need to add some leverage to my 180ing. Thanks gogofo.

[rayzzz]

Well I did a reverse 180 again today...blah...
Told WAW I had a place to move into (she wanted us to rent our place for another month and I was like "no way") and then when she asked how I felt about it is when I lost it and started grumbling and being a little pouty:

"How do you think I feel? I am not happy and am just rolling with the punches here!"
"well what about living at...."she counters
" I can't just sleep on his floor all the time"
and then she goes:
"whoa, whoa, whoa (ok I am leaving and we're not getting into this)"
...Then after cooling off I texted her a chunk of text I found about WAW and how "there are hundreds of stories where WAW give up hope but don't realize their LBS have finally woken up and will change heaven and earth to save marriage.."
Pursuing? absolutely. Needy & Pushy? Yes again

I am so frustrated and defeated.....and just four days ago she was acting so warm towards me. It [censored] that we don't know hw to act around each other anymore. Gonna go back to re reading DB