Forgiven lazy husband - reconcilliation possible?

[rayzzz]

So my story,
no affair or anything, my wife after an awkward six months when she said she was no longer in love with me finally said she does not respect me because I have never looked after her and our three kids well. She has always had to quietly take a 2nd job just to make ends meet. I would be a teenager and just work p/t and think thats good enough for me i am "providing". Well when she said I am leaving you, thats when i finally REALLY heard her and am making all these steps from being a stay home dad this past year ( she agrees i am a great Dad) to work f/t...but is that enough? She says she already considers us divorce, did not want me to comfort her at all when two deaths at work and in her family (grama) happened and then she did not want to celebrate our 14yr anniversary three days ago. ...most hellish worst day of my life...like not celebrating a birthday, in such agony.
Well reading DB and implimenting some 180s but will that just make it worse? We are separating next month and basically live separate lives in our house looking after the kids...the 8 yr old girl is catching on and asking questions (we never fight in front of them r really fight at all) She did say two months ago "there is a 5% chance we can save this marriage if I see you change from afar" I am terrible with money too so that is also contributing and being sorted but I just need some hope. I have worked f/t in the past but just got lazy...I am getting counseling , changing myself cause i hate myself for not manning up and seeing this before and putting 200% but she is just done and she did not communicate to me loud enough and wont event got counseling. any help is really appreciated

[sandi2]

I will never forget reading that whenever a woman says anything twice, the man considers it nagging. But then the LBH complains his W didn't tell him iLoud enough, often enough, or n a way he could understand her. Go figure.

I can give you somewhat of a viewpoint of the WAW, and maybe tell you what most women like & don't like. I can probably tell you a lot of things not to do. I can't guarantee anything will work at this point. But I believe I can promise one thing......if you don't change the way you have always been.....and change for the rest of your life, you can kiss goodbye any hope of a future with her.

Are you ready to do whatever it takes to save your M and family, or are you wanting an easy solution to get her back.....and then you fall back into old behavior? I assure you there are no easy solutions at this point. By easy, I am referring to a lack of effort.

You referenced your laziness with not working full time. But what about in the other areas? How would you grade your role in the upkeep of the house, cars, and yards? You know, the things that are traditionally thought of as being what the man takes care of. Was your W always asking you to something around the place? Did she need your help with things?

What about your efforts in the relationship? How much effort did you put forth to do the things you KNEW would make her happier? You called yourself a "stay home dad". Yet I only see one preschool age child. Why did you stay home? Did you do all the work your W would do if you were on a job and she was the one staying home?

I know I am asking a lot of questions, but it is so we have a better picture.

Have you ever tried to learn how to budget......and stay on the budget? There is probably all kind of assistance on the Internet free of charge.

I can tell you this much, women will lose respect for a lazy man very quickly. I'm surprised your W endured this long. You need a plan of "action" to change yourself and get it going ASAP. She will have to see you in action and see that it won't stop, before she's convinced you are serious. I think it will take quite some time to earn her respect.

Are you working full time now?

I am glad you are in counseling! But I can understand that your W doesn't think she's the one with the problem and therefore, doesn't need to go.

Don't do anything that makes you appear needy/clingy/smothering/weak/begging. Trying to talk her into changing her mind won't work. You have to show her what a great catch you are. She will be watching.

I was like your W. I was so done with my H. It is very difficult to get the energy or interest to try again, when you feel you are dead inside.

Use this time wisely.

[rayzzz]

Thanks so much for replying.
No I didnt do alot of things I knew would make her happy...I thought everything was "fine" and I had such selected listening...the only thing I did well and do is laundry, cleaning house, vacuuming...house stuff,make dinners...car duties was ok too.
I stayed home because my wife ended up getting a promotion at work to ft manager and so we switched roles to continue to homeschool our 6 & 8 yr old. In retro spective she took the ft job b/c I was just happy working p/t...an she did it begrudgingly but didnt say anything cause she was so used to picking up the slack...while seething inside of course.

Budget wise since my wife went ft, I took over the finances and taking responsibility with money made her feel less anxious about having to carry this but i blew it a couple times...we are a little behind now but I just finished Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book and am hellbent on applying a budget.
In fact I just opened up a college fund to proves t my wife I am thinking about our future---the kids future and not just being frivolous

and yes looking for ft right now but we are both trying to figure this out with her working 6-5pm almost 6 days a week. She is so tired that she sleeps early and I look after the kids in the evening too ( which i dont mind of course...she is making a huge sacrifice) I just cringe when she says "you just coast all the time" though I understand where she is coming from

Yes i know this is a huge change of my worldview to be other centered and not a teenager and selfish. One of the best things this has awoken in me is that it "feels good to work and provide for my family" I know everyone should no that ! but i didnt and when i apply that to my p/t work I work harder and feel better. life lesson: you gotta live for more than just yourself to have meaning.

I loved saving your "180 tips" and yeah putting on my game face with sincerity for her...so yeah I am giving her lots of space cause she is so mad at me that she "cant trust me" because I didnt love her enough to give her security by just providing for her. I am aiming for being consistent as I work at getting work and showing her practical ways I can be her husband and take care of her. Thanks for letting me hear about the other side

[sandi2]

How are you doing Ray?

[rayzzz]

Thank for asking Sandi.
I am dbing and even began some 'do something completely out of character' behaviours:
1)Listen to her. shut up and stop taking it personally and reacting. Yesterday was the quietest I have been even as she snapped at me. so proud of my self control!
2)no shouting to communicate. This isnt yelling.Get within earshot of kids. Be calm when running late. Shouting means to her I am getting excited and mad (whether I am or not). Freaks her out. I am gonna stop living out my childhood
3)wake up at 7am. everyday. usually I wake up after 8am after she has left for work. teaching myself and her I am not lazy and can get some more work done bright and early. Kids are already asking "why are you awake so early"

going out for coffee with my soon to be WAW to discuss next months moving/separation...end of June. I dont think I have a chance to change her mind in 5 weeks. But I am learning to accept that and keep working on myself. Will tell kids next month too.Brutal for both of us.

I still have a goal in mind to build her a castle with my bare hands that my beauty can live in. Job applications are already sent out and I'm sure something will come in.

So my mood is optimistic today as what you say is true. I can't change the way she feels, she has to do it herself and this really takes the weight of all that anxiety off me. In spite of all this I love her now more than I have ever loved her....and thats why your (and MIchelle's) 37 rules have to be lived out well so I can receive her back to me.

[sandi2]

Sounds great! Stick with it, even though she may not respond the way you'd. In the end, you will have greater self-respect and overall better feeling.

You'll be tempted to try to talk her out of leaving these next five weeks. But, it's better to just live your 180's and let that those changes do the speaking to her heart.

[rayzzz]

Sandi2
Question: So as I am changing myself with a harder work ethic, (doing something I am passionate about helps ;D )
would it be ok if after a month I just took my wife aside and gave her an envelope of money as my first "kill" for her?
(y'know going out as a hunter, providing for my family) Of course I wont word it as that but something along the lines of: "This $X is for you. Its what a provider and husband does. Use it on whatever."

or is that breaking dB rules cause its a gift...and it may drive her even more away. Thanks

[nit84]

Ray,

Instead of giving her that money why not put it in that college fund you spoke about

It might have the same effect you are looking for but you are not pointing it out to her directly but nice and subtle like showing no pursuit.

Just my Two cents.

P.S. Sandi2 I just love all your advice and try to use it as much as I can in my Particular sitch.

[VFL]

I would tread lightly with talk about money. When I offered mine to pay her for her attorney fees if she withdrew the divorce papers she got very upset. Said that it's not about money, she couldn't care less about money.

[sandi2]

I think Nit had a good suggestion. (Btw, thanks Nit for your kind words.).

I believe the less attention "you" draw to the fact you are working and providing for your family......the better. I believe I understand your need to hand her the money and tell her you are fulfilling your role as provider, but in all honesty, you will be setting yourself up to be shot down by her.

Another option would be to simply deposit it in the account used to pay household expenses. She will see the balance is more than expected and she may ask about it. Then you can play Mr. Cool and don't make a big deal over it (even though you want to jump up & down).