Loualea I didn't start this....

[LuckyLuke]

I suspect your husband is feeling guilty and conflicted...

I would enjoy the good interaction you get, but don't count on anything, as the WAS has a personal devil to deal with (and it's not you).

Congrats on the racing - it can be so much fun, depending on the place and organization (there is a race here with live music every few km, for example) - I found having a goal outside love and marriage very good - started to cook a lot, for example - maybe you can identify something similar for you.

Gratitude today is for sound, be it music, or the human voice, or birds - there are so many here early in the morning, before the traffic gets going; the bite of an electric guitar, the sometimes palpable presence in (particularly) female singer voices.

Perhaps you could think about alternative things to do, w/o husband, when he is there and being rotten. You do not have to hang around someone who maltreats you or is not pleasant to be with.

Luke

[loualea]

Hi Luke
nice.. gratitude for sound..
Gratitude today
Running can take away depression without drugs..I am grateful for that.. and that I can run..

I don't really want to enjoy the nice interactions. it makes me nervous.. I am waiting for another sneaky blindside to be truthful..
maybe he spoke to his lawyer and realised I have been taking the higher moral ground and if push comes to shove.. could be expensive.
I am sort of waiting to make new connections when I move. It is going to be hard enough to leave my support network here and start again alone..basically..without making more friends to leave..
I will look at the meetups over in the Ruhr...also sports and maybe a charity.. that would be good for me and my German..

I had the strangest interaction with his sister. if you read her email you would think I had started an affair and destroyed her brothers life???

She warned me to "let him go" or I would have bad karma??
Maybe his whole family is loopy? and let him go where exactly. he lives in his own apartment, does nothing here, minimal financial support.no emotional support.. really what is she thinking.
so had a good run tonight, have moved up to the faster women's group..
friends for dinner tomorrow night- cooking Middle Eastern..
Had to watch kids take an exam today, so way too long with my own thoughts.. need to stay busier...

I am thinking to tell him to not bother coming down.. he can pick up his stuff after it is moved...and don't call..he is just annoying but then yesterday was pleasant..

I run when he is not pleasant, told him last time I need to have a run so I don't say something we both might regret then made sure I had my newest pants and shirt which really show I have lost so much weight and I am in the best shape of my entire adult life......he hates people who wear running gear, he hates that I have expensive shoes, and I suspect I can probably outrun him.. I like that

Loua

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Lou,

I think a good way to enjoy the nice interactions is just for a short good thing, with no future implied by them, like having a good interaction with someone you never see again, still good to have.

I'd invite your Franken friends up to Essen - show them the place, or meet halfway between - lots of interesting central Germany stuff there - Goslar is great, for example.

That is worth thinking about - asking him to not come down - in a negative psychology way - wonder what the reaction would be. I suspect it might be positive, as this would be a 180 for you? And is good detaching...

Don't sweat it about the sister - she is not exactly neutral, I think -

I ran with music this time, a first for a race for me, and it was good, except for the end, when a 30 minute Hungarian lesson came on... the wonders of random play order...

Luke

[loualea]

Hey
this has been a rough week.. if I am not running or recovering from running then I am obsessing.. I am too much alone I know that but too obsessed.. even when I am with people i am thinking about him.. even when I am planning for work I am thinking about him.. Luckily when I am with 25 kids I can not think about him..

He seems so set on divorce to help his anxiety.. he thinks it will go away once everything is organised..
we have never had a conversation about the consequences.. he just wants what he wants.. which is so not like him pre affair.

At the moment I can think straight but that is because i just finished a 12 k run.. in the morning I will be back to loopy town crying fits..
obsessing, planning, imagining conversations that might never take place. Trying to manipulate-- i know I am doing that..

Working on detaching but it is such an effort.. that is the reason for the bad week. I have not contacted him and I am so sad and so lonely and ..But I know that I have to detach for me.. and I just find it too hard..
I really wonder about this hanging on .. I am changing for me discovering a better version of me..

but maybe if I just wiped him.. left him totally it might hurt less..

[LuckyLuke]

Lou - you may find it useful to look up treating obsessive compulsive disorder, for which I found cognitive behavioral therapy useful. In my case it was having someone (sister, friend, etc.) reassure me that it would be all right (I am eternally grateful to a nurse who said "time heals all things"), so getting out of tunnel vision panic mode.

You sound like a smart, interesting, fit, capable woman - and at least in my experience, an end is also a beginning. Let yourself be open to how other men (or women) perceive you - I bet you will see that they enjoy and find you worth being with. Know that you are worth a lot, and that your husband is a fool for not seeing this.

Luke

[loualea]

Hi Luke
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
And time heals is a mantra I use.
Maybe I do need something specific as far as therapy but it also requires self control too..
I hate that when my coach asked who do I have as support I answered .her None else in my life knows exactly what is happening..I hate being the subject of gossip..
You have been a lifeline..really.. but this is too hard alone..and the pretending it is fine is exhausting and the holding onto hope is exhausting, but if this marriage is truly done forever I still cannot imagine a life alone..it is all too hard and really not worth the struggle..
I don't want to live alone and I don't have the courage to trust again and without trust I will always be alone..
It has been 7 months and no sign of him changing his mind to even discuss reconciliation or a relationship..
The more I stay away the better it suits him.. the more it hurts me and I hate being needy and clingy..

I work on detaching.. I am not looking to rescue him or influence him.. the more he sees me the less he likes me..I remind him his life is not organised...
I am withdrawing more and more .. makes me sad..but unfriendly contact cut me to the quick..
Where did he go this funny, friendly affectionate man?
Why didn't I see him slipping away? Why do I know now all the mistakes we made and there is no chance to fix them?

When is enough enough? When is DB over and just a way to continue to stop the healing.. or what ever happens next..
I have a 2 part life.. 1 outside where I am functional and one alone 7 where I am so disfunctional and sad and , lonely and missing him everyday..my life was so good with him in it.. how do you detach that?

In the next 2 months I am going to lose everything I enjoy and value my home, my garden, my region, my friends, my job, my dog my marriage..
What's left?

[Upwards]

Lou I'm sorry your struggling, it's completely normal to have the feelings & emotions that your experiencing and it's all part of the healing process - it's very painful but try to keep in mind that every minute of pain moves you a little closer to coming out of this happier & stronger (you will, I promise!).

DB is for YOU, yes saving your marriage is a possible bonus but ultimately it's about saving yourself whilst going through a very very tough time - you really do need a good support network around you that can help you through this, why don't you feel comfortable telling your close friends/family about your situation? It really would help?

[loualea]

I have moved so much that close friends have been lost, I live where I don't speak the language. So that is out..

family are in another hemisphere.. they don't need the grief when they are so far away
work colleagues are work colleagues..

He was my friend...

[LuckyLuke]

Lou - I reached a point where I realized I could no longer count on my W for my happiness and that I had to make things happen. Yes, you end up letting go of the old life - which was good at some point, but now no longer is - but you also realize that there are possibilities out there. Yes, the responsibility is yours, and it can be a burden, but there are rewards.

I let all the pain out at EE, which was so good, but also realized and was told that much is up to me. I second upwards point of having a support network. Perhaps you could have a poke around for this - especially in Essen, which I imagine is bigger than Franken - and report back.

Gratitude for 2-3 days - insight (for some work stuff), running (this really fixed my head this morning), and making music Saturday night, where beyond the musicians and the material, a sexually attractive woman was present (and a runner!).

What is left is you, the real you, though perhaps washed by sadness just now. You don't have to live with someone immediately; why not be gentle toward yourself, and take life lightly for a while? Tell us what you encounter, tell us what you want to do (great Japanese culture in Duesseldorf, for example), or bike tours in Muenster, or Holland, the monorail in Wuppertal. You need projects and meetups and to occasionally have a glimmer of fun and possibility and fresh air for your brain and soul.

Yes, can you make a sketch of what your future might contain? If you are in the Franken countryside (lovely), then find this up Essen-way. What will LouLou be like?

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

You know, this sounds like grieving, with its various stages (see the Kubler-Ross model), and you are somewhere in the middle. It might be worth looking around for how to get to the last stage, acceptance. L.