WAW Said She's Done- pt.5

[OneDay]

Old post here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2431856&page=10

So I need some advise. Im pretty sure I know the answer already, but I have to throw it out there, so here goes.'

I spoke with WAW last night and come to find out the grass is not greener on the other side. Without going into full details, she was basically venting to me how hard life is now, how people have been giving her a hard time, and how stressed out she it. She said she misses the good times we had and has been really bummed out lately. She said she misses having me there to share the ups and downs of life with. I empathized with her like a pro(or at least I thought so.) But, after she vented she said that she is going to be "Okay" and that she is making the "right choice." (of course I didnt want to hear that last part, but this has always been her way of being STRONG)

About hour later I received a text from her that read "I appreciate you being sympathetic tonight. Its always nice when you are genuinely concerned and I can tell, So Thanks."

Our entire relationship she has always acted so tough, and never wants to come across as weak. Even if something was really bothering her she will vent, but then swing around and go back into business mode of "everything will be fine" and she sticks to it. I remember many times when I could clearly see/notice something was wrong with her and I would ask "how are you doing"? Every time I would get the same response of "Good". When it was sooo obvious she wasn't doing well. I would have to come close to her, look her in the eyes and ask "How are You Really Doing". Not until that point would she share her real feeling with me and sometimes truly break down. But, yet again it was brief and should would go back to the "Everything will be just fine mode."


Which brings me to my point that I need some advise on.

This is the first time since she dropped that bomb that she has opened up to me. Im sure I've read to deep into this already, but I can't help it. Would now be a time to try and talk with her. Maybe meet up for a cup a coffee to see if she is open to the idea "Trying" to work on our marriage. Let her know that I would be open to the idea of trying. Not the same marriage we had, but a new relationship. I know I shouldn't initiate any talks of R, but I dont think she ever will, (even if she wanted too) because it would be weak.

[Drew]

Nope, let her come to you.

[OneDay]

Nope, let her come to you.

I knew that was coming. Dam this is so hard. Every part of me is saying just talk to her! what can it hurt at this point?

[OneDay]

I really dont know what Im doing here. Am I becoming WAW’s friend, am I being passive, Is she just being cordial? I really dont know. I do know I still have WAY to much focus on my WAW and every interaction with her. Im so hopeful she might change her mind and want to “Try” and work our M again. Its tough and really beginning to drag me down.

At the same time, I am finally realizing this is not all my fault. I’ve had so much guilt for such a long time. But with more and more interaction with WAW Im beginning to see the real her, or the New her. She is very controlling and is NEVER wrong. Not just with me, but with everyone. If there is a problem/issue in her life she will place the blame on others. There have been a few instance lately where she has clearly mix up some events/appointments but assured me it was not her fault, but the “idot” receptionist, or “horrible” class mom has the problem. There have been several others as well, but she will never say she messed up. I honestly think she has done this entire marriage, but I never realize it until now. I know there is nothing I can do about this, nor am I trying to fix it, just observing and venting to you guys.

I’ve been working on myself, but still have a long way to go. I’ve found myself becoming more compassionate towards other and truly listening. I’ve become more calm, and try to focus on the positives in my life, rather than the negative. I’ve been working on patience, and not being so quick to react. Im finally beginning to think before I speak out and say something I might regret later. Ive been working on empathising with everyone, My kids, WAW, Friends etc. Im letting the little things go, and even some of the big things go and trying, really trying to enjoy life for what I have at this moment in time.

This has been a long tough road and I’ve had many ups and downs. You guys were not kidding when you said this is a Marathon not a Sprint. Im not sure how much longer I can hold on to the thoughts and feelings I have for WAW. I want my family back so bad, I want to at least try to start something new with WAW. Unfortunately WAW is not there and Im beginning to feel she never will be and I know I have to accept that.

How does one know when its time to just LET IT GO? Will that time ever come? I dont know!

[OneDay]

These last 2 weeks have really been rough on me. Im not exactly sure why, but I feel as bad now as when WAW dropped the bomb on me. I have been so down and I dont feel like doing anything or talking to anyone.

I was doing good for awhile, but lately nothing seems enjoyable to me. Even activities that usually interest me, I just don't seem to care about.

[OneDay]

Guys, I need your help. Every time WAW has the kids I get multiple calls/texts from her and the kids asking for random item from the house. Some of them are legitimate, others are just down right silly to me. For example:

FRIDAY:
WAW picked the boys up around 7 and hung out at the house for about 5-10mins. The boys gathered everything the needed and off they went. WAW didn't mention she needed anything.

Saturday
I get Voice Message from S10 at 4:00pm asking if he could come over and grab a pair of shorts, as he didn't want to wear his school uniform short to the Rays game they were going to at 7:00. No big deal, but I know WAW has more than just uniform shorts. I was working and didn't check my VM until around 6. I texted WAW at 6 and said I just got S10 VM, but she never responded.

Sunday
I get a text from WAW at 1:20am

W: Hey there, sorry to bug u so late, but just wanted to see if I could stop by and get a roll of wrapping paper outta the hall closet tomorrow late morning? Let me know when u will be around
Me: Tomorrow will not work for me.

W: Anytime tomorrow?
Me: No, sorry
W: WHATEVER!

SUNDAY 2:30 PM

W: S7 left is lunchbox at your house and I need it for tomorrow
W: U obviously don't want me coming by, so he wants u to drop it by our front porch.
W: He really does not want to by tomorrow and they both need a wholesome lunch. So.....

Me: It shouldn't be there, but Ill check when I get home and touch base later.

W: Clearly u said no to anytime, so that's what Im perceiving. You would do the same.
W: Had I known it would b so difficult to get things I still need and left there, I would have done my best to get tme out earlier. You always made it sound like it wouldn't b a problem. Oh well. And that [censored] for the Dog if he's left alone again all day

Me: S7 Lunch box is not here, sorry.
W: ok

This is just One example of the many back and forth text/calls I receive when she has the boys. She is always in need of something, no matter how big or small.

I have no problem facilitating when I can, but my schedule does not always coincide with hers. To her this is a problem and she does not mind pointing it out to me.

How am I suppose to handle this. I always feel like im in a lose, Lose situation with her.

[OneDay]

Do you guys think I should have a face to face talk with her? I think I need to. My feeling is that if we are separated, divorced etc, that we each need to have our own set of clothes, supplies, etc and she needs to stop contacting me about every little thing she might need.

In this short time since we've been separated, there have been multiple times where I needed to buy new items for the boys (lunch box, school clothes, etc) I never once thought about calling WAW to borrow or take these from her.

I know it's probably not a good idea to chat with her, and Im sure the conversation will somehow get twisted around and I will be the one who is not accommodating.

I just feel something needs to be said or I will wind up in the loony bin.

[Bunches]

Oneday, forgive me if I don't understand but why are the requests giving such an issue? I can see if she was asking you to run around for things. It sounds like she was willing to pickup the couple things she wanted and the other was S asking if you would bring him something. Are you just trying to be NC? Forgive me if I'm missing something in your sitch history.

[OneDay]

Oneday, forgive me if I don't understand but why are the requests giving such an issue? I can see if she was asking you to run around for things. It sounds like she was willing to pickup the couple things she wanted and the other was S asking if you would bring him something. Are you just trying to be NC? Forgive me if I'm missing something in your sitch history.

No Im not looking for NC. I know the above does not sound like much, but this was just one of many examples that happens during the week she has the boys. There have been several weeks where she needed to stop by 3+ times a weeks(early morning and night). Up until the last few request I've had no problem with her stopping by or dropping things by her place and feel I have been very accommodating.

I think its more of a control issue, but I'm not sure if it's WAW or me with the control issue. I personally feel she is being controlling. Maybe its her tone of voice or frustration when not Im not available at her time/day. Most of the time she is not very pleasant, and comes across as demanding. For some reason I just let it get to me.

I can tell she is still very angry with me. Probably still keeping score (as she once admitted) At times I feel like im walking on egg shells I try to be nice, and choose my word carefully to avoid conflict.

Like I've said before, it seems that no matter what I do, or how I act, WAW is frustrated with me about something.

[OneDay]

You know, some where along the way through this DB journey I forgot about what I, and many others have said about the WAW or WAS.

They look the same, sound the same, but they are not the same person they once where. My WAW really is a stranger to me. And it still Kills me more than anything.

I don't like who my WAW is becoming. I don't like the way she speaks to me, her attitude, demeanor and down right negative attitude towards me and most everyone else.

I know everyone on this board would say don't have face to face chat with her, but I think its time that I do. My intentions are not to beg, plea, or bargain with her to take me back. (I know she does not want me back) But rather, show my concern, as at least a friend. I want to find out how she is doing, truly doing. She seems to be bothered by me and most everyone these days. I want to let her know Im not trying to make her life difficult and don't want to be enemies. I want to be able to talk to her without feeling she is going to get upset with me. I just want to talk as 2 grown adults should be able to do.

Is this too much to ask?