Changing Times

[woundedfool]

^^^ I think it's important you don't sound angry when you talk to him, or he will dismiss what you say as you "acting crazy" or something.

Thank you Artsy, I need to calm down before I c0nfront him. He is lucky he left yesterday and is in a different city. I agree about the D's finding out, that will mean more to him then my knowing.

Agree stay calm. My .02 worth is that you stay clinical about it (that it doesn't "bother" you).

Your only concern is that some inappropriate items with placed where the kids were able to find them. That you would appreciate it if things of that nature were left in a secure place (his place, his car, etc.).

Essentially, don't make it about you or your R.

[MamaB]

That is good adviice, but I'm far too mad to that calm. My little kids did n0t even know about the D, his choice. Now they know another woman sent Daddy cards. My oldest daughter is devestated. It was bad enough that he did it to me, but my kids are so hurt now by his carelessness.

I'm meeting with my lawyer tomorrow and will bring the reciepts and cards, we were going to meet anyway. I'm not saying a word to anyone else, other than my IC, until after the meeting. My oldest also went through his facebook messages and he messaged an old gf telling her that for the last 10 of 16 years were terrible, news to me. He is now talking with her too. I wonder if his other gf knows. My D17 did this on her and told me. She also figured out the name of first gf, she works with him. I'm gettiing her into IC this week. What a mess.

[woundedfool]

That is good adviice, but I'm far too mad to that calm.

Sorry, but you have to be that calm.... If you can't, then don't have the conversation.

My oldest also went through his facebook messages and he messaged an old gf telling her that for the last 10 of 16 years were terrible, news to me.

That's part of the script, happened in my situation too. Funny she never mentioned to anyone (including her friends and family) that there any issue. However, that is the narrative they want to create. Unfortunately, there is no way to alter his perception.

He is now talking with her too. I wonder if his other gf knows.

Doesn't matter, that is for them to sort out.

My D17 did this on her and told me. She also figured out the name of first gf, she works with him.

This is a tougher spot, as kids (yep even at 17) are not stupid, I would try not to throw gas on D17's fire, in fact I would try to extinguish as much as you can. I am not advocating telling D17 your cool with it (and giving H a pass), but she already knows it is hurt/hurting you. Let her come to you with any info, but I would not follow up with questions or searching for other info.

BTW, good move on facilitating IC for her.

[MamaB]

That is good adviice, but I'm far too mad to that calm.

Sorry, but you have to be that calm.... If you can't, then don't have the conversation.

My IC told me the same thing today. She gave me some good ideas on how to do it. She said have a full on temper tantrum before the call, get some anger energy out. She wants me to write down my points so that I don't get off topic with what I need to say. She said to use I statements not you statements. I really don't think I would tell him I know at all, but he needs to know that the kids know about the divorce. We were going to tell them together when he was ready. I do feel that he he held the power in this whole divorce, I just gave it to him out of fear.

My oldest also went through his facebook messages and he messaged an old gf telling her that for the last 10 of 16 years were terrible, new to me.

That's part of the script, happened in my situation too. Funny she never mentioned to anyone (including her friends and family) that there any issue. However, that is the narrative they want to create. Unfortunately, there is no way to alter his perception.

The script is frustrating, I feel like I'm crazy and just imagened our life together.

He is now talking with her too. I wonder if his other gf knows.

Doesn't matter, that is for them to sort out.

My IC said this same thing too.

My D17 did this on her and told me. She also figured out the name of first gf, she works with him.

This is a tougher spot, as kids (yep even at 17) are not stupid, I would try not to throw gas on D17's fire, in fact I would try to extinguish as much as you can. I am not advocating telling D17 your cool with it (and giving H a pass), but she already knows it is hurt/hurting you. Let her come to you with any info, but I would not follow up with questions or searching for other info.

This is the part that I'm trying hard for. I'm trying to be strong and supportive to her and the other two, not show my hurt and incredible disappointment. The two oldest are expressing hurt on my behalf and I keep saying that I am sad, but I will be ok, we will all (Dad too) be ok in some time. This is not how I wanted this to happen at all.

BTW, good move on facilitating IC for her.

[claire7]

This is a great opportunity to show your daughters some critical life lessons--- we can be hurt and it's ok to express that hurt... but our own happiness and our view of ourselves is in our control--it is not dependent on someone else's view of us! We can get past the hurt of a breakup and still feel strong and worthy and good about ourselves.

I think it's ok and healthy for them to see that this makes you sad. .. but also that your life is not over and even though life will be different, it can still be good and happy.
Forcing yourself to show them that may help you get through it too. ..

[woundedfool]

The script is frustrating, I feel like I'm crazy and just imagened our life together.

Yes, very frustrating. That is why patience is key to this entire process.

My IC told me the same thing today. She gave me some good ideas on how to do it.

My IC said this same thing too.

And I did it for free? Hmmm.....

Please send the check to:
Woundedfool
2100 Woodward Avenue
Detroit, MI 48201

[MamaB]

Thank you Claire. That is a message I need to keep in the forefront of my mind. I am modeling for them, I to be what I want them see.

Lol woundedfool, I will have to set up a weekly appointment with you!

[MamaB]

Well i called H to tell him I knew about the affair, it went something like this:

Me: I know a little about your affair.
H: I don't know what you are talking about.
Me: D10 found a bag with cards, books, and receipts for gifts.
H: I don't know about a bag.
Me: well one card said "Babe, when I saw you on your first day at corporate today I got butterflies in my stomach" it concluded with how she can't wait til you are all hers. D10 found them and D17 read them all and looked at the receipts from Tiffany's and Victoria Secrets.
H: Silence
Me: Ring any bells?
H: I am shamed.

It went on for awhile, he said that the affair ended last February which is the same month he filed for divorce. He said it lasted just over a year. I think it was longer, they were actively planning on his leaving me in February so I think he must have gotten involved before January, I know it should not matter, but even a year is such a long time.

When I showed my lawyer the "affair bag" she said to ask for a settlement proposal in the next 5 to 7 seven days. I did, he now wants to slow down the divorce and try to go to family therapy. I was floored, but really, I don't think he wants to be married to me, I think he feels embaressed and lost. Mindreading I know. I told him to go and talk to an IC and try to figure out why he feels out of control.

I still plan on going foward with divorce, mainly because I need to protect myself and the children who I'm raising mainly by myself, financially. I just don't trust that he wants the marriage, that he won.t get involved with someone else, or that this is a way to get me to move while still wanting a divorce down the line. Also, I just don't know if the affair is a deal braker.

He has taken full responsibility, so far, to my D17 and says he is trying to be the best man he can be. He says he is very sorry for the pain he has caused, but thought everyone would be happier. D17 started IC today, I plan on getting the two others in soon.

I'm a mess, again. I feel like all of the work I have done in thd last three months has vanished and I'm starting over.

[MamaB]

Actually, that last sentence is not exactly true. I am back to crying and thinking about H far too much. But, I'm a different person now, I have changed, and I need to remember that as well as continue to change thd things I need to.

[MamaB]

Feeling thankful for my girls today on Mother's Day. They are trying to make the day extra special. My D17 had H send flowers and she wrote the card.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mama's!!!