Upwards - Needing support, tough times ahead

[Bunches]

My W says things like this and I hate it. Its always, I'm sorry you had to go through this or I feel bad about the kids. It never comes off as reflection of what they need to work on or change in life. Its just guilt and never feels like they wish they could change choices.

I'm not saying he doesn't, I just don't think they are good apologies.

[claire7]

Maybe validate and empathize and appreciate his apology... and that's it? (I.e. don't enter a R discussion, don't spew or say "this was your choice blah blah blah". Respond in a kind but detached way, I think. I'm not sure I would respond to "what to do" about D6 either. .. (he hasn't really asked you anyway).

And he hasn't said, "I am ready to work on our R".

Keep focusing on YOU and D6. Stay off the rollercoaster. She needs a stable parent--and right now that is YOU.
Hang in there.

[Upwards]

My W says things like this and I hate it. Its always, I'm sorry you had to go through this or I feel bad about the kids. It never comes off as reflection of what they need to work on or change in life. Its just guilt and never feels like they wish they could change choices.

I'm not saying he doesn't, I just don't think they are good apologies.

I know what you mean, i'll give him his due he is working hard in IC and trying to face his demons (or he was last time we were in contact!) - he's been through rehab and had very intensive therapy so I think thats helped pave the way for him doing this part himself if that makes sense.

Time will tell if he actually takes steps to change the things he dislikes or not - he is very depressed & very unhappy, he cant go on like that forever.

[Upwards]

Maybe validate and empathize and appreciate his apology... and that's it? (I.e. don't enter a R discussion, don't spew or say "this was your choice blah blah blah". Respond in a kind but detached way, I think. I'm not sure I would respond to "what to do" about D6 either. .. (he hasn't really asked you anyway).

And he hasn't said, "I am ready to work on our R".

Keep focusing on YOU and D6. Stay off the rollercoaster. She needs a stable parent--and right now that is YOU.
Hang in there.

We are NC at the moment aside from an email I sent him yesterday including an update on the kids/work/finances etc so i'm not going to reply to him.

He's beginning to feel the reality of his choices & there is no way i'm going to cushion that for him, he can deal with the consequences of his actions! He needs to realise what life is like without me before he will find the strength to take action, i'm pretty sure he will eventually do whats needed although I have no idea where i'll be and whether i'll be interested by the time that happens!!

Thanks Claire

[Upwards]

Feeling very "flat" the past few days, I suppose that's what comes with detachment & NC.

Been doing lots of GAL, seeing friends & family, fun with the kids, getting the house in order ready for when it sells etc... very busy, life is moving again and i'm moving with it instead of being dragged along kicking and screaming!! I'm beginning to enjoy my life again, I have moments where I realise that i'm LIVING and not just EXISTING it feels good.

I do feel quite lonley, I dont mind my own company & can now sit with myself (I couldn't at the beginning of this) but now & again I miss having my H to cuddle up to or share my day with - I know that's normal, still makes me a little sad.

Overall i'm really really good, I cant believe how much better I feel recently, looking back to a few months ago I'm amazed how I even functioned.

[Upwards]

So my H is reaching out to me, it sounds like he's hit rock bottom again - he basically said he's realising made a huge mistake & doesn't want this anymore, he's sorry & thanks me for being a good wife, he misses us all, he hates himself for what he's done to me & our family, he said his life is worse than when taking drugs & he's really struggling... He seems to have realised that the answer lies within him & only he can change things.

It's so hard to not reach out or respond everything in me wants to give him a little encouragement & let him know I'm here - help!!

[Upwards]

I trusted my gut and responded with the following:

I really hope you sort your life out & find yourself again H, I do worry about you. You'll be ok, I've got faith in you that you'll find your way through, I truly do wish you every happiness.

[JennD]

I think that was an appropriate response. It was kind and caring but still low key and detatched.

I know what you mean about feeling flat. I too feel like that and yet have come to some kind of peace with myself. I'm not happy that H and I are where we are, but I have stopped resisting reality.

Like you, I'm able to sit with myself unlike 3 months ago. But I do miss the cuddles and kisses too.

Good to hear that you are laughing and having real fun! After my BD, I wondered if I would every be able to really laugh or be happy - now I know that I will reach the other side, with time.

Keep up the good work! You are doing great!

[claire7]

I think that was a great response! Kept the way home paved, but set a clear boundary that it's on him to do the work alone. Nice work!

[Upwards]

Spoken to him this evening for the first time (the kids are staying at his Mums with him) and we had a good chat - hopefully when we meet on Monday we can get some things in place so that we can move forwards as co-parents & business partners.

I think he's definitely turning a corner and moving in a positive direction from what he shared, just need to give him the time & space he needs & keep focusing on getting myself to where I want to be. Feeling quite sad but at the same time accepting, very mixed emotions today. Missing my kids too, the house seems strange without them here I dont want to have to get used to this but I know the kids need their Daddy too.