Upwards - Needing support, tough times ahead

[Breakdown]

WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!

I think that's somewhat obvious....

What am I missing, he wants his cake & to eat it?!
I've had another 2 emails; begging me to talk to him, asking if i'm alright, saying he's sorry, saying that he hates all this...

To leave the relationship he has with you completely, or to fully commit to work on the relationship with you (i.e giving up OW), he'd had to take a leap of faith. There are no guarantees either way. Clearly he's not read to do either of those...so what are his options? Keep those plates spinning!

That's basically what NC does...it makes the choice for them. We pull our own plate out of the game and then see what they do. Sometimes they decide our plate is what they want and they come running, sometimes they live with their choice, and sometimes they simply bounce around for months or years until they figure it out.

The key here is that it's not about him....it's about you. It doesn't matter what or who he chooses....you are still going to be the same awesome person, moving forward, finding happiness, taking care of your children and yourself. So instead of worrying about "why," instead of worrying about his choices, make your own choice...and choose you.

[Upwards]

We pull our own plate out of the game and then see what they do. Sometimes they decide our plate is what they want and they come running, sometimes they live with their choice, and sometimes they simply bounce around for months or years until they figure it out.

Yes that makes sense now - he's still texting me & emailing me several times a day, even though I haven't replied once in the past 9 days. This plate has been removed!

He collected the kids this morning (his Mum isnt available on a Sunday) so I sent the kids to the door and stayed inside so I didn't have to see or speak to him - this morning as he was closing the door he shouted "see you later W" in a really sad voice.

The key here is that it's not about him....it's about you. It doesn't matter what or who he chooses....you are still going to be the same awesome person, moving forward, finding happiness, taking care of your children and yourself. So instead of worrying about "why," instead of worrying about his choices, make your own choice...and choose you.

I absolutely have done, I love him but I love myself so much more - Its amazed me the sense of freedom I feel since fully letting him go, I miss him at times & wonder if he's doing ok but I no longer have a constant sense of dread when I think about this situation.

I've been given the most precious gift, the gift of finding myself again and molding my life to suit my needs & wants without the overpowering influence of another person. I know my worth now, I know that I deserve to be treated with respect & dignity and I am not willing to accept anything less from anyone including my H.

The acceptance that my H may not be able to fulfil the requirements I now have for a R has been very difficult, probably the most difficult part of this process so far, I have been in denial for a long time due to my own fears but I've forced myself to face up to it & it seems that was the final piece of the "letting go" puzzle.

I cant stay completely NC long term due to the kids/business but plan to for another couple of weeks then move to LC & remain emotionally unavailable as I need that energy to focus on myself; I'm going to ask H to meet me and put some boundaries in place for our coparenting & business relationships to maintain my own protection and to ensure that he's clear on the way I expect that to work (no R talks, no personal talk, we are not friends etc).

[Breakdown]

You sound great...and really, that's pretty amazing given the short time you've been in your sitch.

I'm going to ask H to meet me and put some boundaries in place for our coparenting & business relationships to maintain my own protection and to ensure that he's clear on the way I expect that to work (no R talks, no personal talk, we are not friends etc).

Be careful here. Make sure you're ready for it. Make sure you can stop the discussion as he steers it to your relationship (and he will). You may want to practice the talk a bit, and have some backup plans in place should it get difficult (i.e. let's continue this on Tues, I have an appt).

[Upwards]

I really do feel so much better about everything - life is beginning to be enjoyable again & my future is exciting, the possibilities are endless!! I know there are going to be many more twists & turns but I'm confident that I can do this & come out a stronger & happier person.

It's my sons birthday in 2 weeks & we will have to spend time together then, I need to get this stuff in place before then ideally.

Yes my IC has said exactly the same as you, I'm 99.9% sure he's going to want to discuss our R and I don't want that at all. I've also been working on the boundaries that fit best with my needs but also are sustainable without any major disagreements being likely - I just want some peace & the space to move forward with my life, I hope he respects that.

My IC has also advised me to practise how to stop any conversations I'm not happy with when at work & try to think up ways he may try to manipulate me into those discussions so I can be prepared to stop him as soon as poss.

Thanks for your input Breakdown!

[JennD]

Upwards, you sounds like you are in such as good place! In control of you! Its inspiring!

[Upwards]

Just received this email from H, we've been completely NC (well I have!) for the past 10 days after me finding out he was seeing OW again... I'm going to reply tomorrow about the kids as had planned to contact about them then anyway, do I acknowledge the rest or not, thoughts please?

W, we can t carry on like this, the whole thing is a big mess. Im so sad about it all I feel so out of place.
Wot r we doing for D3's birthday? Am I buying him a present? How is the house going? Av u done that tax return? Is D6 ok she seemed fine with me. I truly hope ur ok? X I miss u all I admit it x

[Upwards]

Bump

[Ggrass]

Well that's a positive, he misses you! Even if its just by email.

[Upwards]

Well that's a positive, he misses you! Even if its just by email.

He's been constantly emailing & texting me since being NC, clearly missing me a lot. I just don't know whether to just ignore those parts of the email or acknowledge them?!

[Ggrass]

I don't know, mine refuses to pick up the phone, barely spoke to me last time I saw him in public. Rarely responds to text (his answer your nasty)

Last time I saw him in private he strutted up and down like a peacock making how good he is, going out of his way to organise some thing for me.

It was already organised he just interfered and muddied the arrangements. Or will go to great lengths to pretend there is no ow, but take her out hand in hand in public.
He hasn't noticed nc or even lc. So I'm no expert, clearly.