Life's a Picnic

[whytry]

Busting, I have the same what ifs and yes I want my W. Yes I can easily make it on my own, but like I mentioned, today was filled with all the awesome memories we shared, her smiling and laughing, us being goofy and giddy, and I want HER to share my life with. I try to encourage if I can cuz I know the other side oh so well, but still learning so much from you and others. Y'all are insightful and caring. Thank you.

[AJM]

Just remembering bits from some of our recent conversations and my initial thoughts are he is confused and scared. He needs time. Just let things be. And live your life busting.

Then I start over thinking and my thoughts are more dreary - like I am a fool. I am being used. I am not valued.

And then I think it's probably all of the above. Right now- he does not value me and he may never again (outside the context of being the mother of his children).

It makes me feel less of a woman in a way...it's hard to explain. Like I am floating on my own. Ugh...am I having a pity party or what. Gotta get my groove back. What happened?

Does it seem odd that you would have days like this? I totally get what you're feeling and saying. It makes perfect sense to me.

To me, it's part of the stress and strain of standing. Looking back, I do not for one second regret the turmoil and tribulations associated with standing. Not one bit.

Part of my needs were to keep standing. My needs were to try. I realized how confused and conflicted she was (is). She had few secrets, although she thought she did. That didn't make it easier, except for dealing with what was revealed.

It's tiring.

Do your needs count? Absolutely.

For me, it helped to give myself permission to have and pursue those wants and needs in the confines of the goal of standing. i.e. I refused to date, have an affair, etc. But I also didn't put my life on hold any longer than I felt necessary while I continued to stand.

Hang in there. You know he's confused and dazed. That's not in question, right?

AJ

[bustingout]

Thank you why try- your encouragement means a lot to me. And your insight from the other side helps too. I think being authentic in your dealings with W is key... As well as time. Being the LBS can be very draining and I can only imagine that after standing and then deciding to step down from the stand- W may be completely emotionally drained.

AJM thank you for coming by :-) I too feel like I need to stand. I also decided not to date or have an affair while standing.

And no the question is not if he is dazed and confused. :-) maybe the question I am getting at is if I am dazed and confused. I have not once - until now- felt this pronounced absence in my life. The loneliness - and the stark reality of being so alone. I am tired and I guess I need to figure out how much longer I wil stand. I want to stand. I need to renewed strength maybe.

As for feeling valued. I Feel valued by my friends, work, my kids... Not by someone though that has an interest in me out the context of socialisig, colleague and mother. Just as busting.

And maybe that's what hitting me now. Because I am incredibly fulfilled and grateful by and for my kids, work and friends. I know I am blessed in that regard and I am thankful for it.

Am I being impatient for wanting more? Am I being unfair to his journey and time and space he needs? He is dazed and confused...

How do we know when we can't do it anymore?

[whytry]

I really like AJMs comment-"you know he's dazed and confused". And that your needs count. Granted it's awkward that I feel compelled to speak up but my W found how to be happy without me. I can't speak for all her needs being me but she enjoyed our children, her job teaching, and her running. I'm just now learning to go back to my fun hobbies. It does cause friction, but I think if we are both happy our children will be happier.

Back to the confused comment, I was and sometimes still feel bad, but I've since learned that my issue has some family ties. Not sure if your H does? My anger issues are like my fathers that drove my mom to divorce him. My cousin that is separated from his wife because of it. My uncle that went through also but t hey stayed together. Longer than I intended, but my family is 1 for 2 with me at bat so we'll see.

[willbwell]

We have been at it a long time. It is so hard to be patient. To wait. yes, I am doing for me as I know you are doing for yourself.

There is though that draining, dragging feeling of something missing. I know I am keeping that attached by standing. will it automatically go away when we d?

I don't have time right now in my life to date or an affair as much as I think... wouldn't it be nice...I miss physical comfort. I miss someone thinking about me.

it is so tough. Day by day we carry on. I too think my h is sad and confused. I know what a great thing it is that he has given up.
I sadly think my h does not think about me.
he stays very involved with his job and now he admits to dating. the a I suppose is over.

while hasn't your h filed?
I am waiting on the settlement proposal from my h. I have said nothing to him.

[bustingout]

In February h went to my country and saw my mom. He told her he was not thinking of D anymore. He never told me that.

If I were to guess I would say It seems he had realized that he does not want that for the kids either. And I suppose that with all the conversations we have had over the past week, he never brought up the subject when he easily could of. I am just realizing how grateful I am for that....

I have been thinking today and I am just going to step back from our sitch for the time being. We spoke A LOT. I need to think of Job right now ... Sit quietly And the answers will come and move forward with myself and the kids.

I plan on wrapping up my teaching work a few weeks before the school year ends so I can go back to my mom. H will stay with the kids. So I am grateful for that .

[bustingout]

Hi all- it's been awhile - wanted to post:

I am ok. I feel really good overall. H has been really weird lately for lack of a better word. We had several text / phone call conversations a few weeks back. In general he has been much nicer. We talks about a possibility of living together again as a family but he is obviously still not ' there'. There have been some positives and some 'whatever' moments too. I am off his roller coaster but it seems just when I feel ready to move forward without him something small happens. Not in words (never words of endearment or claims of missing me or the family- he only says he misses the kids). He has acknowledged that he needs to be a better father more involved with the kids. When he left last time he spoke To me and the kids about needing time and hopefully things will be positive for us all.

But then I look at his actions. He doesn't initiate communication with me. Doesn't really seem interested. When he is around - sometimes he seems interested sometimes not. Sometimes he stays at the house, sometimes he does not ( guest room).



I told him to just leave and go live the life he wants. Me and the kids need to finish healing and move forward alone. I told him he is sitting on the fence and I can help him but I don't want to continue like this. I am resigning from work next year and I told him I think me and the kids will leave Sudan. He wants to stay in the Emirates (mostly for work), and would want us to go there but I said I wouldn't go there unless we were back together as a couple and a family. Why should I?

I said if there is a chance for us to live together again then we need to start building trust. Leave the past behind. Start fresh. Etc etc. He didn't disagree but again- actions speak louder than words. Then he has moments when he shows he cares. I look at these as big steps for him and try to keep it in perspective of how we were the past three years.

I feel so beyond this now. I still struggle but just feel beyond it all. I want to move forward with or without him. I have compassion and empathy for him. I want to dig deep. I understand.

The question- what to do now? He arrives tomorrow. Don't know if he is staying here. Didn't ask. At the same time, we are invited to a dinner at the golf club on Thursday and the invite was sent to him ( for us both) and he rsvp 'd in the affirmative. I don't even know if he will come though or if he does go with me or will 'catch up later'. I don't care really- I'm going either way. When the invite first came I asked him if he wanted to go ( because I intended to go ) so we could RSVP accordingly and he said ' I'll see about that ' very hesitantly, then he responded to the email in the affirmative.

We have some nice texting some days and some days he is silent. He told me last week he was in a bad mood- I tried to cheer him up - it seemed like it helped.

It's just a lot of uncertainty. A year ago- I knew he wasn't around. Now- it's like we are back at the start- is he coming or going? Except now I am different- and I know I am ok either way. I am tired. And I am ready to have a partner in life again.

At this stage- I am not even sure what to say. I haven't posted on the boards bcause I am not sure what to say. It's been four years. Sometimes I don't know if I am pushing him too hard or showing him light and a different perspective. I don't know if I am building trust or building a wall. I don't know if I am helping or harming. I don't know if he even cares

[bustingout]

Oh and another strange thing is he has brought up hints of acknowledgement? Guilt? I mention something to him - completely unrelated to us or the R and he will come back with a weird comment. Example: I got him and his brother flying lessons for Xmas. I asked when they plan on using the lessons and he said in the summer. I said 'great ! I hope you can make time or else I'll push you on the plane myself! I know how much you want to do this' and he says in response 'are you sure you don't want to push me off the plane?'

Another time I said 'omg I had the weirdest dream last night and you were in it' and he said ' I hope I wasn't sleeping with the fishes At the end of it'

He must think I hate him...? Maybe he really can't believe who I am today? The changes? The very real forgiveness I have given him ( for myself to move forward)? I have let go of it?

[bustingout]

H arrived last night. It was very pleasant. We watched a movie together and chatted. I went to sleep before him and he ended up staying in the guest room. I will take it day by day and see how it goes. The less expectations I have the better for me I realize. I have never felt so ready to move forward than I do now. This journey has saved me from myself.

I leave next Monday back to Egypt to help out with my mom. H will stay with the kids until they finish school and then bring them to Egypt.

Have to go for now- will come back later

[LoisB]

It's just a lot of uncertainty. A year ago- I knew he wasn't around. Now- it's like we are back at the start- is he coming or going? Except now I am different- and I know I am ok either way. I am tired. And I am ready to have a partner in life again.

You've been at this awhile Busting and it's exhausting. Sorta sounds like he is coming full circle, slowly.

Hang in friend. I don't have much to offer. I just thought the above quote seemed to sum up all you were trying to say. You've been at this longer than I have. I admire your strength, grace and growth.