Upwards - Needing support, tough times ahead

[Breakdown]

A big worry at the moment is that if him & OW get serious it will bring a whole new set of problems as I will not allow her to see my kids under any circumstances & will fight this in court if needed, the nature of their R at the moment seems to be friends with benefits but who knows how it will play out.

Why do you feel this way? Is there danger to the kids, or is this frustration and anger bubbling up?

I'd be careful here...you can't control who your H sees, who he chooses to introduce your children to, or how he behaves when he has the children. And make no mistake, they will not do it the way you would.

I'm focusing a lot on GAL but most importantly I'm focusing on my children an trying to provide a stable and loving home for them regardless of the fact that their Daddy is a complete & utter fool!!

This part started so confident and strong...but ended bitter. Think about it...

[Upwards]

Yes there is potential danger - she's an ex crack addict I'm early recovery, her own kids are in care so I don't want her near mine. I understand I can't stop who he sees but I don't want my kids near someone like that until I'm satisfied she's safe & social services clearly don't think she is at the moment. She's also a professional pick-pocket just for good measure!

I'm angry at him at the moment for not providing for his kids yes, sad but true!

[FRANCIS]

Good morning,

I was a member years ago, saved my marriage, after 8 yrs it ended. I have moved on met someone that I thought was Ok, took her for granted after 2 yrs. I find myself now alone and she wants nothing to do with me. My question is; I want to get back with her, give her the ring I told I would give her five months ago and try to work on a new life with her. I cant stop thinking about her, she wont respond to my calls or text.
Please help.

[Upwards]

My H is still constantly contacting me, I'm not responding & he really isn't getting it... I've had 2 emails, 2 calls & 2 texts today - all about work stuff that he can easily figure himself and all asking how I am. He's trying to get back in desperately & it's not working, WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!

Been to see my IC and she was amazed at the difference in me, she couldn't believe how different I seem and how much more in control and determine I seem - she said she finally got a picture of me as a person instead of me being consumed by my H and this situation. I'm living my life for ME and in pursuit of my own happiness I'm off out tomorrow with the girls, woohoo!

This morning I received an email from my D6 teacher to make me aware that she's very withdrawn at school and doesn't want to join in a lot of the class activities and that its like she's shut down her behavior has not been great at home and she's been very angry - I'm giving her lots of reassurance & supporting her as best I can, it's very tough seeing my children struggling and not being able to protect them from this.

Very mixed day today, I'm doing ok overall though & getting stronger every day.

[Breakdown]

WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!

I think that's somewhat obvious....

I'm giving her lots of reassurance & supporting her as best I can, it's very tough seeing my children struggling and not being able to protect them from this.

I'd consider talking to your IC about it....some counseling might be helpful. I know there are programs out there specifically designed for kids.

Very mixed day today, I'm doing ok overall though & getting stronger every day.

Keep going! It is a process...it takes time...and you have ups and downs.

[JennD]

Upwards, I'm taking my girls to a play therapist - who can see how they are doing with the situation...you may look into it. for your D.

The therapist uses play and simple child-friendly ways to see how they are feeling and try and help them.

I know its so hard when you can see your child hurting. Offer lots of hugs and make sure she know she can always talk. About anything on her mind.

[Upwards]

WHY WHY WHY can't he just live with his choices and leave me to my life?!

I think that's somewhat obvious....

What am I missing, he wants his cake & to eat it?!
I've had another 2 emails; begging me to talk to him, asking if i'm alright, saying he's sorry, saying that he hates all this...

I'd consider talking to your IC about it....some counseling might be helpful. I know there are programs out there specifically designed for kids.

I've spoken to school to see if they have a counselor, if not i'll look into private or NHS. My IC has given me some tips to help her open up to me so going to try that too.

Keep going! It is a process...it takes time...and you have ups and downs.

I feel FREE again, my life seems hopeful again amazing feeling! I DESERVE happiness & i've got every intention of finding it.

Seriously questioning whether i'm still "standing" anymore, really not sure my H can ever give me what I need to be fulfilled in a relationship, although I suppose miracles do happen.

[Upwards]

Upwards, I'm taking my girls to a play therapist - who can see how they are doing with the situation...you may look into it. for your D.

The therapist uses play and simple child-friendly ways to see how they are feeling and try and help them.

I know its so hard when you can see your child hurting. Offer lots of hugs and make sure she know she can always talk. About anything on her mind.

She was talking lots, I often ask does she have any "worries in her bag" (relating to a book about worrying we have) and she was opening up but she's started just saying no she's ok but clearly she isnt so I need to try & coax her to open up. Going to have a chat with her tonight after S3 is in bed Thanks Jenn.

[3boymom]

What am I missing, he wants his cake & to eat it?!
I've had another 2 emails; begging me to talk to him, asking if i'm alright, saying he's sorry, saying that he hates all this...
[quote]

Up - I have been through the exact same thing since I started to really enforce my boundary that I wont have a R with H until he no longer has a R with the OW. My H does not like the boundary at all. For the first two weeks he REALLY tried to push them. I wanted to yell "Just leave me alone." He has gotten better since for the most part. I did email him about the kids on Wed after we had not talked at all for two days and he immediately emailed and called at the same time to give me the exact same response.

I talked to my IC this morning about it. She says that I have changed our dynamic. She says that my H realizes that I have changed and the old tricks are no longer working. She thinks that it has thrown him for a loop and he does not know what to do.

And I also think that your H (like mine) wants loves cake eating. Over the past couple of months, we had ML a few times and were getting closer. I realized I needed more and pulled away. He does not like it because he had a pretty awesome set up. Based on what you have said, it seems like you were in a similar situation.

You seem SO MUCH stronger since you went NC. Don't let him get to you. Continue to change the dynamic. You are doing great

[quote=Upwards]
Seriously questioning whether i'm still "standing" anymore, really not sure my H can ever give me what I need to be fulfilled in a relationship, although I suppose miracles do happen.

I really don't think that you need to decide whether you are still "standing" at the moment. All you need to do is worry about you and keep walking forward. Let go of the outcome because that really is freeing. You don't need to decide today whether or not you could have a future with your H.

[Upwards]

I really don't think that you need to decid e whether you are still "standing" at the moment. All you need to do is worry about you and keep walking forward. Let go of the outcome because that really is freeing. You don't need to decide today whether or not you could have a future with your H.

I think its just because it came up in IC that its made me think more deeply about it I suppose - I most certainly am just thinking of myself & moving forwards, feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders