25 - I read your last post again (actual, I read it a few times). Throughout this journey I have always appreciated your advice, guidance and optimism.
I don't think that communicating through Ls right now would be ideal....it just seems pointless and expensive and chances are she will try to levy ANY amount of legal fee that she incurs against me. I will just assume that she knows that spousal maintenance it coming to an end and her monthly income will be cut by a fairly substantial amount. I don't think it would do any good to give her a heads up on it at all. It is what it is at this point and it is not my responsibility.
I also don't know if there would be any value in communicating in a brief, impactful way with her. I mean, at this point she knows EVERYTHING....I mean, I have emptied out a dozen pens writing letters along the way. Nothing seems to really reach her and I think I have run out of words. Truthfully, I think for the first time I am actually saying more with silence and detachment than anything else.
I was very brief and barely spoke to her at all during the exchange last night. I don't even know if I even looked at her that much. She told me that she was moving on Thursday and I just said "I know". She asked me how I knew and I just said "you told me". That was pretty much it. I usually walk son out to the driveway and let him wave good-bye to her and squeeze in one last hug and kiss - but last night I just closed the door behind her at that was it. Clearly I did not do the best job of being up beat and positive....and I regret that, but part of me wants to make it clear that we are not "OK". I honestly don't know if that is the right or wrong thing to do.
I am going to start the paperwork to alter our parenting schedule so I have 50% time and also adjust child support. Small things, but big steps for me.
Thanks, KP -- I know I am getting good advice, and I think I am taking pretty much all of it.....and, frankly, I am asking for more all the time. Hell, part of me feels like I made a mistake by not being warm and friendly during the exchange yesterday.
Waiting for goodness to happen.....guess it just means like I am running on nothing but 100% pure faith right now.
Truthfully, I think for the first time I am actually saying more with silence and detachment than anything else.
That is sooooo true!
I would like to comment on what you said about maybe not being warm/friendly enough during exchange. First of all, give yourself a little break sometimes. Like you said.......you are making statements in a way you've never tried.
I wonder if some LBS's may over-kill with this one.......of showing a positive/happy/upbeat person whenever around their WAS....turned XS.. I mean she just kicked you in your b@lls and you're going to start wagging your tail and trying to lick her face whenever you see her? IMO, there may be times that showing all happy/bouncy seems almost inappropriate and hinges on being goofy. One of those times could be when you are seriously stepping away and want her to get the message that you are done with her game playing and your a$$ kissing.
I believe some D couples need to go through a period of true non-contacting separation before they can learn how to adjust and think of each other as friendly acquaintances. Especially for the S who was trying to save the M. I have heard some people claim how they are best friends with their XS, and that may be true.......but I have never seen it get to the place where the couple and their new spouses hung out together. Once there is another party involved, I think at best, you can have a friendly co-parenting R with your XS. But that's just me.
There are no rules about being all roses and sunshine to anyone who has D you, or anyone you don't want to be around. The way I see it, showing the happy face to the WAS had more to do with 180's and saving the MR. So give yourself a little slack. You are allowed to do whatever you feel like doing. After all, there should be some quirks to being D.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with most of this...maybe all of it. But I still want to toss out a few other ideas...just for you to ponder. Not "do" anything, necessarily.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
[quote]Truthfully, I think for the first time I am actually saying more with silence and detachment than anything else.
That is sooooo true!
I would like to comment on what you said about maybe not being warm/friendly enough during exchange. First of all, give yourself a little break sometimes. Like you said.......you are making statements in a way you've never tried. This^^ is absolutely true.
I wonder if some LBS's may over-kill with this one.......of showing a positive/happy/upbeat person whenever around their WAS....turned XS.. I mean she just kicked you in your b@lls and you're going to start wagging your tail and trying to lick her face whenever you see her? IMO, there may be times that showing all happy/bouncy seems almost inappropriate and hinges on being goofy. One of those times could be when you are seriously stepping away and want her to get the message that you are done with her game playing and your a$$ kissing. I agree with ^^ this in theory, but am not sure your xw thinks she kicked you in the ba11s. I suspect she believes she told you "the truth". And she'll react to your reaction...however she reacts...but it really is YOU who must judge YOU. As long as you are honest with yourself, and you usually are, that will suffice I"m sure.
Indeed, it must suffice.
I believe some D couples need to go through a period of true non-contacting separation before they can learn how to adjust and think of each other as friendly acquaintances. Especially for the S who was trying to save the M. I have heard some people claim how they are best friends with their XS, and that may be true.......but I have never seen it get to the place where the couple and their new spouses hung out together. Once there is another party involved, I think at best, you can have a friendly co-parenting R with your XS. But that's just me.
It's also what I think. But I have seen from my brother's divorces/remarriages, that they usually get along with the new OM, and that they then are seen differently by the OM and in time....the former spouse views the ex with new eyes.
I have seen regret from the WAS more than once. Twice I've seen remarriages to the former spouses. Usually too much water seems to have gone under the bridge. Then again, our society does not focus nearly enough on HOW to forgive...that is a real disability for many.
Also, if her new man gets along with her former h, how bad can the ex be? Of course this presupposes the new guy is a decent fellow. (Otherwise, he makes you look even better).
There are no rules about being all roses and sunshine to anyone who has D you, or anyone you don't want to be around. The way I see it, showing the happy face to the WAS had more to do with 180's and saving the MR. So give yourself a little slack. You are allowed to do whatever you feel like doing. After all, there should be some quirks to being D. I think the perks are that you don't have to keep trying to please her or change her mind about you. And you can date and meet an OW who "gets" you.
Crimson, I didn't know you had written to her and said whatever you said to her. I assume you have told her things such as, "I LOVE YOU AND SON" and "Money is to an issue", etc... If you have said what needed to be said, then please, at least for now, go in peace.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, Sandi....I have really, really been looking for guidance and direction in this department. Honestly, it is a new space for me and I don't know what to do or how to handle it....I am open to all opinions so anyone chime in.
What you said about me really having nothing to lose by going dark and dropping the rope really resonated with me. It's the ONLY thing that I have never truly done. Granted, with OM in the picture I have probably waited far too late (stupid, stupid me) - but at this point I feel pretty secure in my position. There are moments when I sincerely DO want to text and send pictures and tell her everything that S is up to - just because I want to share it with someone that loves him as much as I do. But then I remember that I am trying to send a clear message through silence and non-contact - and I stop. Then I ask myself "to what end?" -- why would I even bother communicating or reaching out? I am really drawing a line right now - seemingly for the first time. It feels weird because I do miss her still, and that urge to want to "fix and prove" still lingers - but I am fighting it like crazy. I will win. I really do hope and pray that someday she will wake up and things will change - but I am not investing any more energy into it and for the first time I am trying to open my heart and mind to truly, truly moving on. In the process, I often pray for peace, acceptance and enough faith to believe that something amazing is going to happen for me and S soon.
I had to drop S off at preschool this morning....he asked me to pick him up but I changed the topic. I hate saying goodbye to him....that is one thing that has not gotten much easier in all of this. It's like literally leaving my heart on a playground and driving off. He's such a sweet little guy. Every Tuesday that I drop him off I leave him a note in his lunchbox....I just tell him that I love him, he's a great kid, and I am lucky to have him for my son. His teacher probably reads it to him....it's a small thing, but I hope it matters to him on the days when I can't come pick him up.
I am proud of the father that I have become. I never in a million years would have guessed that this would be how the relationship with my son would be - but it is great, even if she chooses not to be a part of it. A few weeks back before the dropped to OM bomb, we had to take him to the dentist to get a cavity filled. When he was done with the procedure we were called into the recovery room where the dental tech was sitting on a little couch with him watching a cartoon - he was still half-sedated, but lucid. XW was about two steps in front of me and she walked into the room with her arms stretched out to him. He literally leaned around her (almost ducking) and reached out for me instead and said "I want my daddy". The dental tech said that he had been asking for his daddy the whole time - XW said "of course". I scooped him up onto my lap and just put my arms around him. Yep....we are a good team, S and I. If she can walk away from that she is only lessening her own life and in a sense I feel bad for her...we are both going to miss out on a lot, but she is VOLUNTEERING for it. Bad choices.
Thank you, 25. Honestly, I have never said "I love you" in a letter to her before. In fact, I have not said those three words to her in any way since BD. But I have written at length to her about my journey, my feelings about her, son, our family and so on. She knows how I have felt this whole time. And, I'd be willing to wage, that she counted on silence and withdrawal being my reaction to the OM news. However, I would reckon in her mind that it is "he's mad at me so now he won't be nice to me anymore". She said to C that she was afraid that after she mentioned OM that she wouldn't get pictures and updates about S anymore....she pretty much knew this would be a major "pull-back" point for me.....but to her it is more out of me being vengeful. I can't control her perceptions.
I'll tell you what, 25, I would LOVE to talk to your brothers about how they were able to have a good relationship with OM. Don't get me wrong, I can SEE where it would be important for a bunch of reasons and I can see how it helped their situations....but right now, the mere thought of seeing him holding hands with my XW and playing with my S makes me want to just about vomit. I know time may fix it - but I am just not there yet.
I am really trying to adapt the spiritual philosophy that God is keeping me protected from her right now and that He still has things for her to experience and go through that do not require me. To what end, I truly do not know. But I am trying to have faith in that calm, still voice that told me "Give her back to me. I still have work to do with her and your work had to come first." - may not mean R at all....but at least it is something to have faith in for now....that maybe there is something much, much larger at work here that I am incapable of seeing and/or comprehending right now that will ultimately lead to good.
Is there a church that offers DivorceCare in your area?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Not that I am aware of....and I actually have looked. Truth is, I really like the church I go to. The downside is that she still goes there, too. We found it together before we were even married. I don't want to have to lose it in the divorce.
