Upwards - Needing support, tough times ahead

[Upwards]

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1

I've just found out H has still been seeing OW behind my back when he promised he'd cut contact, I've gone dark & ignoring his calls (all 8 & 3 texts!) and have arranged for MIL to drop off the kids for me again as a long term thing. I plan to go into work to do a handover then won't be working there for the foreseeable future.

I need your help & support to get me back on track, I feel so weak at the moment and my head is a mess again, I just feel like walking away & filing for divorce but I know what's not what I want deep down.

I just keep wondering if THAT is a man I want in my life, a man that can lie & manipulate people so well to satisfy his own selfish needs. I know I need to let go completely but I'm finding it so hard, I'm hoping this will help me let go now I know exactly what's going on.

I would appreciate as much support as possible as really struggling thank you.

[JennD]

Upwards - I'm so sorry. I wish I could offer something that would make it easier (I'd share with everyone!).

Read over some of your previous posts when you were feeling stronger.

You have helped me in my short time here.

You are strong.

You are better than he is treating you.

Take it one day at a time.

{{{Hugs}}}

[claire7]

^^^^ +1
Hang in there. You *will* get through this.

[ye21]

I've just found out H has still been seeing OW behind my back when he promised he'd cut contact, I've gone dark & ignoring his calls (all 8 & 3 texts!) and have arranged for MIL to drop off the kids for me again as a long term thing. I plan to go into work to do a handover then won't be working there for the foreseeable future.

I need your help & support to get me back on track, I feel so weak at the moment and my head is a mess again, I just feel like walking away & filing for divorce but I know what's not what I want deep down.

I just keep wondering if THAT is a man I want in my life, a man that can lie & manipulate people so well to satisfy his own selfish needs. I know I need to let go completely but I'm finding it so hard, I'm hoping this will help me let go now I know exactly what's going on.

I would appreciate as much support as possible as really struggling thank you.



Upwards just relax and live with your feelings now, they will pass.

Its important that at this point you focus on yourself and dont do anything out of the feelings you are having now.
Cut contact and dedicate to yourself, detach and remove him as a partner view of your life now. Deal with him as a business partner and thats all, write down if necessary:

I will not deal with him in no emotional way untill he shows a total change of actions from his side.
This changes involved: (list here how would you like him to be in order to deal with him)
He is an addict and he cant see none of this as an unhealthy reaction. But for you its of vital and extreme importance to detach from a sick behaviour, you are not responsible of the things he is doing, thats his business and his problems.
It will take long for him to recover from this, so its important that you get away from that behaviour. Addicts currently have a self destruction behaviour untill they touch bottom, you have to let him touch bottom and get out of his way.

Youll be ok, we are here for you

[Upwards]

Thanks, feel very numb & calm at the moment - I know I need to walk away from him, i know what I need to do & just need to find the strength to do it and not back down.

[Upwards]

Wow I feel anxious & really sad today think it's because I know what I have to do, walk away & not look back, for the time being anyway! I know it's what's best for me & the kids, why is it so difficult & feel so wrong though.

[Breakdown]

Sorry Upwards. Best advice I can give you is HOLD YOUR BOUNDARY. If you bend, you will start cycling and that is no way to live (and I say that from experience).

H is going to have to feel like he's really lost you before he's even going to be able to consciously make a choice regarding his future. The bad news is, for him to feel like that, you really have to set him free...and ultimately, set yourself free. That's hard stuff.

Wow I feel anxious & really sad today think it's because I know what I have to do, walk away & not look back, for the time being anyway! I know it's what's best for me & the kids, why is it so difficult & feel so wrong though.

I think you have to put that "best for me and the kids" hat on and keep it on. You should be making decisions for YOU. What is best for you? What is going to make you happy? How do you protect your heart? Sometimes the answers are difficult, but if you know they are right for you, follow through with them.

Hang in there...this is just a dip in the roller coaster ride. There will be better days.

[MrCAS]

Dealing with an addicted partner is hard. I had a long term GF that was alcoholic and was so good at hiding her drinking and just so amazingly good at deception and lies.

Boundaries should be firm and not bent. They don't have to be permanent but as long as they are in place they need to be steadfast.

Keep strong and diligent.

[Upwards]

Sorry Upwards. Best advice I can give you is HOLD YOUR BOUNDARY. If you bend, you will start cycling and that is no way to live (and I say that from experience).

I'm going to, I HAVE to! I've not even told him I'm cutting contact I just have - I won't be responding to anything unless it's absolutely necessary until I've has some space and got my head together. I'm then going to ask him to meet me for a chat in a few weeks, I'm going to tell him that I'm no longer his friend or a part of his life so I DO NOT want to talk about anything other than kids/finances/business & I will be amicable when handing over the kids but the line is drawn there, I have no desire to play his games or be manipulated anymore. I'm back in control!!!

H is going to have to feel like he's really lost you before he's even going to be able to consciously make a choice regarding his future. The bad news is, for him to feel like that, you really have to set him free...and ultimately, set yourself free. That's hard stuff.

Oh he has lost me, I'm done & I have no idea if this will change I'm the future but for now I'm well & truly done with him and his chaos. He's free, I want as little contact as possible so that I can get on with my life without him always being there in the background checking I'm still an option, this option has left the building!!!

I think you have to put that "best for me and the kids" hat on and keep it on. You should be making decisions for YOU. What is best for you? What is going to make you happy? How do you protect your heart? Sometimes the answers are difficult, but if you know they are right for you, follow through with them.

Removing him from my life is what's best & it makes me sad to say it but removing him will also make me happier in the long run, it's just this initial period which is going to be difficult but I know it's the ONLY way forwards - we've tried every other way and it's just caused more pain & upset.

I need to face my fears and do this, I need to stop being scared and embrace this new adventure, I'll get there - I'm just putting one foot infront of the other right now.

[Upwards]

Dealing with an addicted partner is hard. I had a long term GF that was alcoholic and was so good at hiding her drinking and just so amazingly good at deception and lies.

Boundaries should be firm and not bent. They don't have to be permanent but as long as they are in place they need to be steadfast.

Keep strong and diligent.

He's stopped the substances and is now chasing anything else that gives him a temporary high, ie sex! It's sad really, he's a good man underneath but that man is too weak to overcome the addict in him. I've stood by and supported him for many years, it's time to let him fall & deal with the consequences of his choices.

My boundary is that I won't be part of his life whilst he has OW there, I'm NC at the moment because I need some space then in a few weeks I'm happy to do handover of the kids & important stuff via email but nothing more than that and I'm going to be clear that I am not his friend.

It's going to be difficult but I'm determine to look after me now (& the kids of course!) and he can go to hell for the time being!!