[SemperFi00]

Soldier thanks for checking in and commenting on my story. Don’t worry at all about being a vet or not – all comments and thoughts are appreciated….. Will check in on your story a little later. Good for you that you have already identified some of the things that may have been problems and I am always looking for good reading materials.

In my circumstance, as best as I can tell at this point W believes that we just sort of grew apart and got overly focused on the kids and paid little attention to us. Now doesn’t believe feelings can change and is not willing to do anything to try and get those feelings to change. I partially agree with that – oldest is almost 18 now and we didn’t go away ourselves for the first time until he was around 13.

At that point, went away with another couple for a few days to a resort and had a good time. After that we started to do a few things here and there w/o kids for a couple years (dinners, bands, parties etc…). Had lots of friends, active intimate life, many of our couple friends have told us that they wanted to have what we had, etc…..

About 2.5 or 3 years ago W dropped the B and seems to have been following the script and re-writing history along the way. Many of the standard WAS comments like ILYBINILWY, if I ever did love you it changed somewhere along the way, I am not sure I ever loved you, not willing to work on things any longer, etc….. My initial reaction after B-date included all of the wrong activities (for a longer period of time that I care to admit) and ever since I have been working on integrating the DB principles.

No abuse, alcohol, drugs, affairs (that I am aware of), violence, etc… Just lots of regret and sadness about the current situation…….. W feels like she has finally “found her voice” and can say how she has been feeling for a long time (not sure if this is script or not).

Wow, this got a little long and not sure why I felt the need to type all that out. But like I said, will check in on your story a little later…

[ces67]

Hey SF, good to see some updates. I'm not on the boards much but have looked for yours.

Haven't read the full thread but we seem to be in very similar situations. Roommates, not work on the marriage. W not wanting to D but not willing to work on the M. Puts on a happy and engaging face with others and blow me off... you get the picture all too well.

Good for you on the 180. I have a bad habit of rescuing as well and know how hard it is to see someone you love fall. (even if it's their own fault). You can do that and still be kind and compassionate towards their struggle so good for you.

Its a long road to live in an environment where there you are not shown the expected love and compassion we think an M should have. I like the way you responded to your son (and it had to feel good to know he sees it as well and sympathized with you).

I'm sure this is somewhere back in your threads but I'll ask anyway. Why are you staying? Just a curiosity on my part.

I moved over to the "ready to leave" thread and am working through what that looks like for me, but I won't hijack your thread to get into that. Hope you have a good weekend.

[labug]

You type it out because you have lots of strong feelings inside but I think you're afraid to let them out. You are so controlled, so measured, at least on the outside.

Is this the life you want?

Whether your W is rewriting history or not,(remember your history isn't her history) is the present you're living where you want to be?

[Maritimer]

Great to get an update from you SF!

What a stressful time you must be having. You seem to be handling it like a champ! Its hard to try to help the marriage if they have giving up on the relationship.

Your doing a great job with your children and it shows, make sure they are the priority but dont forget that you do need to make yourself happy too.

All the best SF,

[SemperFi00]

Thanks for the comments ces67 and labug - appreciate the interest.

Its a long road to live in an environment where there you are not shown the expected love and compassion we think an M should have. I like the way you responded to your son (and it had to feel good to know he sees it as well and sympathized with you).

I'm sure this is somewhere back in your threads but I'll ask anyway. Why are you staying? Just a curiosity on my part.

Thanks for ^^^. Not sure what the appropriate response in these situations should be but it is certainly what came to mind in the moment and seemed truthful without being disparaging. Also seemed a little like a teaching moment that was presenting itself.

The situation sparked a couple of feelings: was a bit glad that he noticed and sympathized, sad that he has to experience this (but not my doing so I can't assume complete responsibility for it) and a little frustration that there is nothing I can do to prevent it for him.

Great question that I have been thinking about more and more….. So far I have been staying because: I made a commitment and honoring that is important to me, I think it is important to show this example for my boys (given that there is not any abuse, fighting or 3rd party involved), I made a choice to love my W for better or worse and something deep inside of me tells me it is still not the “right” thing to leave/give-up.

Is this the life you want?

No, it is not exactly the life that I want or thought I would have but it is the hand I have currently been dealt (or my cross to bear – pick your analogy) so I am trying to play it out as best I can. And there are parts of my life that are really great which I try to stay focused on the majority of the time…..

I think that another reason I do not take steps to leave is because it feels like doing that would be so against my nature/value system that it would be very destructive to me. I don’t think it is all fear – although I suppose there is some of that there.

My brain tells me that I can make it on my own and I am fairly certain that I can offer value to a future R if that’s the path that I choose to move down. My heart/feelings still tell me that it’s not time yet. And sometime I hear this inner voice saying to me to be patient awhile longer because there is still work to be done for myself and W.

[ces67]

"So far I have been staying because: I made a commitment and honoring that is important to me, I think it is important to show this example for my boys (given that there is not any abuse, fighting or 3rd party involved), I made a choice to love my W for better or worse and something deep inside of me tells me it is still not the “right” thing to leave/give-up."

Completely get this and understand it. Had there not been a PA in my sitch with ongoing rejection, I'd feel the same way. And it is a teaching opportunity. If you are able to live this without resentment and anger then it will be a strong example of compassionate love. Keep taking care of yourself. That's what helps the others you care about.

[labug]

My viewpoint is a bit different. I don't think living with resentment and anger is the goal but rather to let go of those things if you intend to continue standing. I don't believe we can live a healthy life, emotionally or physically, while holding resentment and/or anger.

You've been at this a long time now, SF, has she given any indication of her plan? Do the 2 of you talk at all, about anything?

Tell us more about this

W feels like she has finally “found her voice” and can say how she has been feeling for a long time (not sure if this is script or not).

[stumps]

In my circumstance, as best as I can tell at this point W believes that we just sort of grew apart and got overly focused on the kids and paid little attention to us. Now doesn’t believe feelings can change and is not willing to do anything to try and get those feelings to change. I partially agree with that – oldest is almost 18 now and we didn’t go away ourselves for the first time until he was around 13.

At that point, went away with another couple for a few days to a resort and had a good time. After that we started to do a few things here and there w/o kids for a couple years (dinners, bands, parties etc…). Had lots of friends, active intimate life, many of our couple friends have told us that they wanted to have what we had, etc…..

About 2.5 or 3 years ago W dropped the B and seems to have been following the script and re-writing history along the way. Many of the standard WAS comments like ILYBINILWY, if I ever did love you it changed somewhere along the way, I am not sure I ever loved you, not willing to work on things any longer, etc….. My initial reaction after B-date included all of the wrong activities (for a longer period of time that I care to admit) and ever since I have been working on integrating the DB principles.

Wow... very similar to my sitch (although I guess a lot of us could say that). Although in my case I think there is at least to some degree some self-medicating on W's part with alcohol. Also, I guess I'm lucky in that my sitch is newer and I started employing DBing much sooner.

Also, I wholeheartedly agree with the following (in fact, for better or worse I'm pretty sure I said something similar to W one of the times she brought up the R and D and asked me what my thoughts were)

So far I have been staying because: I made a commitment and honoring that is important to me, I think it is important to show this example for my boys (given that there is not any abuse, fighting or 3rd party involved), I made a choice to love my W for better or worse and something deep inside of me tells me it is still not the “right” thing to leave/give-up.

[SemperFi00]

labug, thanks for the thought provoking questions - really appreciate your comments and interest

My viewpoint is a bit different. I don't think living with resentment and anger is the goal but rather to let go of those things if you intend to continue standing. I don't believe we can live a healthy life, emotionally or physically, while holding resentment and/or anger.

Agree w/^^^^^. Doing better the past few days but I think this was one of the things that was bothering me so much last week. I found myself feeling resentful, angry, taken advantage of and didn’t like that. Still don’t quite have a handle on why or what was different though.

For the most part I think the anger remains minimal and the resentment comes up occasionally, typically during times where is seems like she is out “enjoying” herself socially w/o me (especially with folks we used to do things with together) and yet using $$$ that I work hard to provide for the family.

Trying to be as insightful as I can be and I don’t think I had these same feelings prior to B-date but also may have that W wasn’t doing as much then either….. I can remember one weekend where she was going away with friends pre-B where I shared with her that I wished she would plan something for the 2 of us to do together and she interpreted that as me not wanting her to go with friends…

You've been at this a long time now, SF, has she given any indication of her plan? Do the 2 of you talk at all, about anything?

The vast majority of our discussions are logistical in nature – kid schedules, vet appt, what would I like for dinner, any plans for the night/weekend, etc….. Any “real” conversations about politics, life plans, retirement, vacation, interesting articles, things going on in town, etc…. have all stopped.

If I am honest, some of the “real” conversations dwindled as time went on and kids became more active – similar to my previous post about “couple” time…

I have purposely not initiated R talks (180 for me) in quite some time – probably a year or more. And the last one that bubbled out from her my response was something along the lines of being sad that she was so upset/sad and wanting to leave and I understood she needed to make the best decisions for herself – I was not stopping her or standing in her way.

The last time she shared her plan was to file for D after adoption of nephew was finalized. Occasionally she pushes to get that done and sometimes she leaves addresses of house for sale laying around or up on the computer screen.

Tell us more about this [quote]W feels like she has finally “found her voice” and can say how she has been feeling for a long time (not sure if this is script or not).

Something that she said a couple times when she was still attending IC – so probably roughly 1.5 years ago or about ½ through this……

It was shared in the context of she finally realized that for so long she had been trying to please everyone else (me and others) that she had lost herself. Now had her voice back and could say how she was really feeling. Stated that she recognized that this was her issue and not mine (and that I had not done anything to create this) but that she didn’t think she was strong enough to stay in a R with me and not revert back to old behaviors of trying to please.

At the same time she said that she fully recognized that the things she was doing to please were not things that I necessarily asked for, demanded, expected, etc….. They were things that she chose to do but then became resentful of feeling like she had to do them. The one specific example that she came up with was taking and picking up dry cleaning – even while at the same time acknowledging that I often offered because I drive right by it on my way to work.

As I am typing this it seems like such a small example and I can’t help but wonder if the same thing extended to other larger things (i.e. how $$$ spend was prioritized, sex, etc….)???? I still don’t completely get ^^^^^ so any help or an outsider’s perspective would be appreciated……

[SemperFi00]

Updating…….

• S15.5 just beginning to drive so I went with him for about 40 minutes
• Helping S17 study for the SAT which he takes on Sat – and have really been working in a couple of conversations to help him understand that this is for him. I have already been through this phase of my life but am more than happy (and would really like) to help – and he needs to want this for himself.

A little bit of a 180 for me, I think in the past I would have been much more adamant about ensuring that he prepared in the way I felt would enable him to be most successful. And even more importantly, working on not being frustrated if he chooses not to do it the way that I would have him do it.

• When driving last, found out that a small traveling carnival is in town for the weekend and I think S8 would really enjoy that. So that’s on the agenda for this weekend I think


For whatever it is worth, the last few days I am feeling better about things which is the complete opposite of how I was feeling about a week ago. Not better in the sense that W is going to change her mind about things, just better and a more positive outlook overall. One specific example that comes to mind is so what if she is looking at houses and thinking about moving out – that means I get to stay in the one that we hae spent years developing. And if she changes her mind and ends up with house, oh well – could be exciting to build/remodel another one.

There have also been a few periods of time recently where I have really thought that I may not want to be married to W any longer if this is the best that she is going to be able to offer – but the problem is that even having that thought and typing it out at the same time makes me cringe.

It seems so different that who I have aspired to be and what I believe my value system to be. I don’t have any burning desire at this point to want to take any actions based on those feelings – just trying to let them happen and see where that goes. Another small 180 for me, historically any feelings I didn’t like or that I didn’t think I should have I just ignored and packed away believing that eventually they would change again and get back in alignment.

Don't get me wrong, I still want my M to work but am becoming more comfortable with the fact that if W chooses to opt out I will still have a great life. I don't mean to comes across as arrogant but I really feel like it will end up being her loss in the long run..........

Now seems like I am just rambling – if that is possible while posting….. Assuming that this is a normal part of the process and maybe this is truer detachment???????