Loot and lawyers ...

[Starsky309]

A+


THAT, is how it's DONE, people.

And yeah -- do nothing for awhile. Just let it sit.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

P.S. This is going to sound paternalistic and internet-creepy, but . . . I'm proud of you.

[Train]

:))))))

Doesn't sound paternalistic or creepy at all.

I *needed* that! Thank you!!!

[HopefulStill]

Train,

Great job!!!!

I'm glad that you realize that you still need to hold tight. Likely, there will be some vacillation from him as his head and heart become pulled in two directions. I'm sure the OW is turning the screws BIG TIME! I'm gonna guess there are some fights going on between the two of them right now. YOU make sense to be his wife. You are the mother of his children and you have a history together. Ultimately, it's his head, and that logic, that must prevail. I think it will.

Your H is finally coming to grips with what he stands to lose. As the luster wears off his relationship with the OW, he's going to see her for the flawed person that she is. Meanwhile, you have stayed strong- and that's very attractive to him!

I do agree that if, or rather, WHEN ;), you reconcile you should move. There are waaaayyy too many triggers where you live now. What you both need is a fresh start- a new home for your new marriage and life together. The difference this time? Now you know how do do it right....

Stay strong,
HS

[FindingPatience]

Train,

Awesome job! I read all if Raine's posts for hope. I think I've just found another one to follow. I watched Job tell Raine time and time again to dig deep for patience because he isn't done baking. Hopefully you have the patience in you to weather the next steps.

FP

[Train]

Thank you so much!

FP,

dig deep for patience because he isn't done baking
I love that analogy. And I need to go find that thread you're referencing - stat.

Hey, HS!! Thank you!! You and Starsky always give me exactly what I need.

I'm sure the OW is turning the screws BIG TIME!
I sort of got this vibe this weekend. H mentioned certain things like, "Yeah. NO woman can just have sex with no emotional attachment," as he rolled his eyes. There were a couple other things he said that made me wonder if he was referring to OW. When he said those comments, he was clearly acting perturbed ... and wanting me to detect that, I think. I didn't probe.

I do agree that if, or rather, WHEN ;), you reconcile you should move. There are waaaayyy too many triggers where you live now. What you both need is a fresh start- a new home for your new marriage and life together. The difference this time? Now you know how do do it right....
If eventual reconciliation is where this is heading, then I certainly hope so. We both decided we were going to move in 2005, but we never went through with it. We were so preoccupied with D16&17 - who were only 8 and 9 at the time - staying in their school district ... and I didn't want to leave my midwife who would be delivering our son. We stayed due to familial and financial matters.

The thing is: the main reason we decided I should homeschool S7 is so he wouldn't make those connections that would make it so difficult for us to eventually leave. Our entire plan was to move once D16 graduates high school. We've always talked about moving to the mountains, even though no work is there that would match H's current income.

I'm speaking only for today (I don't know what tomorrow will bring), but I think, after the summer in SC, I might go ahead and make plans to move the little kids with me up to the mountains. It's only 2 hours away from where I live now. D17 - who will be 18 by then - can go with me. Or she can choose to finish her first college semester living with my sister. D16 (who will be 17) will stay here, but my mom offered tonight to rent an apartment inside the school-district limits so D16 can live here and finish her senior year at her school.

I have worried that my "big girls," who have been my rocks practically their (my) entire life, would feel I'm choosing myself - and the little kids - over them and their happiness. But both assured me tonight they understand exactly where I'm coming from, and they fully support my decision to leave. Obviously, they know they're welcome to go with me. But I don't want to disrupt their school lives/plans, so I'm trying to make sure their plans are in place first. And we'll all be together every weekend, whether I come back here ... or they drive out to spend a weekend with me.

So, yeah, the plan all along has been for H, the little kids and me to move west a little. I just didn't anticipate going a year earlier than planned. And I didn't plan to make the trek alone.

But I'm okay with it. I feel pretty good about it. It's where I've always wanted to be.

Obviously, I'll have to wait until the separation order is finalized to know if I'll be able to afford it. But I'm sure I can find something really small for the price I need if I only need to house the little kids.

And if H wants to follow us there and our relationship is at that point by then? All the better. It'll be exactly where we've always wanted to be. He'll just need to find work there.

I'm just trying to keep my eyes set on a future with my kids and without my H because I don't know if he'll be in the picture or not.

He DID increase his texts to me today, for sure. Random texts. I sent him a photo of D17 in her cap and gown, which she tried on today. Tears AGAIN for this momma!!!

H texted me a picture of a packed van; he moved into his apartment tonight. He wrote: "Everything I own in one van full! Just like back in the day! Love it ... Well maybe not, pretty sad actually."

I wrote back: "Love the bike with a kids' seat beside the mattress. That's awesome! Lol!"

He texted me later, telling me he was heading to the store for the big "moving into your own place purchases" and added: "this could be dangerous." We joked around about the colors he'll pick. I told him to buy cute things ... things that match. And I offered to embroider his towels.

I have to say: the easier, lighter exchanges have made the blow of coming home from the beach feel A LOT softer.

I feel good today. I feel surrounded by friends and supportive family. My big girls have put on their big-girl panties and - as usual - have picked me up and brushed me off and told me to go forth and be amazing. I'm so honored to be their mom. And I feel I FINALLY understand what people were telling me, when I was a 20-year-old single mother of two little girls, ages 1 and 2, when those people said to me: One day, these girls are going to be your backbone, and they'll love and honor you for what you've done for them. I'm starting to see that now. And I'm pretty awe-struck over it.

While I love my mom to pieces, I've known, since H left and discussions about housing began, that I couldn't live with her, even though she would help me financially. Living together would, no doubt, wreck our relationship. But she pulled up tonight, offering to help me in what I *do* need: she'll move closer to where I currently live to get D16 through her senior year of high school. My mom has always been a second-mom to my big girls. And she's pulling through for me in a very selfless way, as usual. She told me tonight: "You NEED to get out of here and breathe a little while. We've got this handled."

And then there's my sister, who has offered me a place to stay. She is amazing. She's working on her doctorate right now and is a single-mother of three, herself. But her career keeps her financially well-off, and she told me last weekend: "If the only thing keeping you feeling tethered is feeling your dependent on someone for finances, then f*** that place. Move in with me. I'll take care of you until you get on your feet. I have the means, and I'm your big sister. This is what family does." She has ALWAYS bailed me out.

I guess I just feel really good today. I feel surrounded and buoyed by love and support that - while I know has always been there - has never felt so BIG before.

I'm going to be okay, no matter what. And while I'm not looking forward to packing my entire house into a storage unit, I'm a little excited about moving south a little. My sister has a pool, and there's a lake practically across the street. I'm looking forward to some time at the pool ... and a little fishing ... this summer. It'll almost feel like an extended vacation.

I also forgot to mention that yesterday, while outside at the patio table, S7 - out of the blue - said to H: "Daddy, tell Momma you love her." There was a REALLY awkward moment that passed. But H put his arm around me and smiled and said: "I do love your momma, buddy."

Haven't heard THOSE words in a while ...

[Train]

Late-breaking development:

As I was writing all that (above), H sent me a text, just after midnight, asking if I'm up. I replied: "Yes. How did your (shopping) adventure go?"

He didn't answer that question but instead wrote:

"Ok. Thought I'd let you know, I told OW that I'm really not into a relationship at this time. I told her that there are way too many things going on in my life, and I really don't have the time or energy to have a girlfriend right now. Between me and you, and I know you've gave me this advice, I need a clear head, or as clear as possible, to really figure out how I'm gonna repair, and to what state, my relationship with you, and all 4 kids. Having 'another' relationship takes away from that. Obviously."

I replied: "Thank you for that. And for letting me know. How are you feeling about it all?"

After 10 minutes, the message wasn't marked as delivered, so I sent a second text that read: "Looks like my text isn't delivering. Do you have sh!tty service at your new crib?"

That wasn't marked as delivered, either.

Itching to call him. But I'm not going to. Either he has crappy service. Or he turned his phone off for the night after texting me. Maybe he's avoiding the wrath of the lunatic he's been sleeping with?

Either way, I guess I'll let sleeping dogs lie - literally - and tackle another day when the sun rises tomorrow.

Whew. What a day.

[Train]

He eventually responded and said: "I got it. Sleepy."

I said, "Get some rest. We'll catch up."

[twinmom]

So happy for you that things are falling into place! (In every aspect) you are giving me the courage to go on.

[Wonka]

Train,

You're doing so well in DBing your H who is clearly coming to some slow realizations on his own.

I do want to comment on some of these points:

1. A NC-letter, approved by me, to OW,
2. A full transparency plan,
3. A psychological evaluation and then IC and MC

Psychological evaluation?!! WTH??! For what reason? I wouldn't pursue it if I were you. It would not bring you closer to your goal of a R at all.