Hope you allowed yourself to feel them, that's probably a lot of what's missing in your life. When we start allowing ourselves to feel again, it can be overwhelming.
Having expectations about the power of going dim is like any other expectation.
Be dim because it's the right thing for YOU right now and she doesn't want to be with you at this point in time.
Your self-reflection is good re your motives. Have you figured out why you did what you did? Would you do the same thing if the same opportunity presented itself? Does this shed light on past interactions between you and W?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Dealing with new found emotions can be tough. Mixing them with wine is probably not a great idea. I do enjoy a good wine, though... Not sure about the chocolate wine. seems wrong... But I digress.
I like that you caught yourself being manipulative. It shows insight into you. That is a good thing.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I did it because I wanted her to know that I go and visit them on my own and I wanted her to know that she is missing out on them. I wanted her to know to show her change in me. She was a big driving factor in visiting them in the past and she felt that I took them and the opportunity to visit for granted. She was right.
Given the same opportunity I would have done it again. As the LBS I feel the need to show her my changes and this is something she would not have known about if I didn't tell her what I was doing.
I have always had people around me that created events, visits, plans, etc and I have been used to it being that way my whole life. She got tired of planning everything in the R and when I failed to notice it was an enormous insult to her. She felt unloved and unvalued. In each relationship there are givers and takers and she definitely was the giver, but it was very disproportionate.
She also has a big desire to be around family a lot. She didn't grow up with much, so it is important to her to visit them all. During birthdays she didn't understand the way my family did things. There really is a cultural difference between us. I used to tease her that she is the most unamerican American I have known, she was insulated from American culture when growing up here.
Her family would invite all family and close friends over and feed them all and have cake on birthdays. It would be a total of about 8 people. My family would eat with the immediate family and only have the grandparents over for cake. If we did what her family did there would have been over 40 people attending.
Couple this with being a taker, me being self centered, and her desire for time with all forms of family; you can see why it looked like I took everything and everyone for granted. Can't say she was wrong either.
In the past she was frustrated with the amount of time I didn't spend with my grandparents and felt that if she didn't initiate the visit I would never have visited. She was right.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Let's get some opinions on what going dim means. I take it as not initiating contact or text messages. When she sends a message I respond with minimal info and don't ask anything about her or what she is doing.
This morning we were coordinating the kid swap and she was headed to work on her doctoral papers. I wanted to show support for her and how difficult it is to do that stuff and how she should be proud of how hard she is working, but I didn't because I am going dim.
Is this dark instead of dim? Can I show emotional support while still being dim? Opinions?
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I know I told her about the visit just to hurt her feelings or at least make her jealous. She really loves my grandparents and always wished we visited them more so I told her just to rub her nose in it a little. I even hesitated before sending the text message, but felt compelled because I was feeling hurt tonight.
is very different from what you are saying today?
Be honest even when it hurts, that's the only way we grow.
It's the only way we can make those real and lasting changes that have more to do with your R with yourself than with others.
I don't think there's an "official" going dim definition. There's only going dark in the book if I'm not mistaken. Going dim can be whatever you decide. My definition would be pleasant, honest interaction without pursuit.
I don't think wishing her well, as you would a friend, sends a pursuing message. But don't suddenly become someone you aren't. People see through that pretty quickly.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I know I told her about the visit just to hurt her feelings or at least make her jealous. She really loves my grandparents and always wished we visited them more so I told her just to rub her nose in it a little. I even hesitated before sending the text message, but felt compelled because I was feeling hurt tonight.
is very different from what you are saying today?
.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It is a combination of the two. Yesterday I was feeling very hurt, I am rested now so the other feelings are coming up.
I wanted her to be jealous and sad that she wasn't there with us and I wanted her to know that I love my grandparents and want to visit them.
I may open up myself a little bit with the messages. I would like to bring her lunch so she can eat while working, something I did in the past, but don't know if it is the right move or not.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
So why did you want her to be jealous and sad? Is that about you or her? Is that who you want to be?
And my other questions were, would you do the same thing if the same opportunity presented itself? Does this shed light on past interactions between you and W?
It's hard to look at this stuff, believe me, I know but until we dig that dandelion out by the roots, it keeps coming back.
And if you don't want to dig, that's OK too.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I wanted her to be jealous and sad in the hopes that it would make her want to work on us. Probably sounds dumb but I wanted it to show her the things I care about and that I am someone only a fool would leave. It was an attempt to spur her into action. With her saying she does not know one way or another about fixing us and asking me what would be different I feel like I need to show her the differences.
It is about me feeling hurt in this situation with her being gone. I feel she has taken a lot from our family since leaving, even though she left because of my actions. Just really mad at her yesterday, something I haven't felt in quite a while.
This is not who I want to be but with her being a WAW I cannot have a healthy discussion about us and my feelings. I think it goes against the whole BDing theories.
Right now, as of writing this, I would not do it again because the motivation was out of hurt not love.
Past interactions had me feeling hurt and overwhelmed and doing nothing. I did not lash out in anger. If I had we may have dealt with the issues. I avoided confrontation in the R. I was scared an argument would drive her away. Ha! That worked well.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I wanted her to be jealous and sad in the hopes that it would make her want to work on us.
How's that making deposits in W's love bank with this type of negative intention?
It was an attempt to spur her into action.
Action toward what? What were your expectations? Remember about expectations?! With her saying she does not know one way or another about fixing us and asking me what would be different I feel like I need to show her the differences.
That's ok if W isn't clear on this. Sometimes we're not always clear on certain things at the present moment. Perhaps at some point, W will get some better idea. For now, there's no answers from her. You need to be okay with this. Otherwise you're getting antsy pantsy over this. How's that working out for you so far? Not good, right?
With her saying she does not know one way or another about fixing us and asking me what would be different I feel like I need to show her the differences.
Instead of being mad at her for "waking" you up to the reality of the M's shabby condition, you'll need to learn to be grateful for this gift from W and start working on YOU. Change your perspective and you'll appreciate this.
Going dim is good for the BOTH of you. It gives you some protection and it gives W space from you so she'll think of you and miss you. That is good.
I'd let W be with her studies. Get out of her way.
