[ces67]

Hi SemperFi00,

I picked up on your thread and am just working to catch up on your sitch. I won't bug you with questions until I get through it but wanted to go ahead and offer encouragement. I'm 3 1/2 years post-BD with a W who has depression and has handled it in some pretty destructive ways. We're doing the room mate thing as well but in different rooms. Your posts bring back a lot of memories of not knowing what I'd be coming home to; a messy house or uber-organized. A W whose 2 to 3 days in bed, always being ready to fix meals or do whatever was needed. It's a lot.

You're right. You could be in a sitch to be doing all that anyway so doing what you can do can be therapeutic. I'm a slow reader so it may take me a while to catch up but again, just wanted to say "hi" and hope you're doing well in the new year.

[SemperFi00]

Thanks for checking in ces67. Appreciate the support.

Its tough and we all do what we can to make it through and come out on the other side as a better person - or at least more wise and self aware........

Have started to catch up on your sitch and see lots of similarities - unfortunately. One of the big things that I see as different is the presence of OM. I don't have that - at least not that I am aware of. Have some suspicions of an EA earlly in my timeline but nothing W has admitted to....

Anyway thanks for checking in and I will comment once I catch up on your situation......

Thoughts and prayers with all here.......

[SemperFi00]

It has been a while since I last posted on my own thread – guess I needed a break for awhile but sure didn’t expect it to be such a long one.

So much has happened in the last few months and also so little……………….. I continue to GAL, learn about detachment and grow stronger by the day (at least on most days that is how I feel).
• Nothing much has changed in W’s demeanor or outlook (at least not that she is sharing)
• We continue to move forward with finalizing adoption of our nephew
• We have attended two family weddings (one of which resulted with us driving from NH to GA thru a significant winter storm because of airport closings – that was interesting in and of itself. In a sort of National Lampoon way!)
• Working with S18 on prep for the SAT and college selection
• Spring has sprung in the great white north so able to begin getting out to do some yard work which I enjoy
• S16 won a state competition with his team and will be traveling to a global event at the end of May

All in all, not a bad few months just seems like more of same. I am beginning to wonder what if anything will change the situation and struggling with how to continue to stand for M while living with a WAW who has not physically left the house.

I find that I can detach better now and not ride the roller coaster but I sure at times feel really sad about the situation overall. And at times also wonder why W does not seem like an effort at building a new relationship is worthwhile. But who knows, tomorrow is a new day and feelings can change right???

Have been reading others’ threads over the past few days and something that has stood out to me a few times is the notion the LBS lose the respect of WAS by not standing up for themselves more and establishing stronger boundaries. In most cases this seems to come up when an active A is involved which is not my situation (at least not that I know of).

Not sure why exactly, but not feeling great about things right now and thought I would write here to try and see if that helps work some things out.

Thoughts, comments, 2x4s, reminders, jokes – all appreciated!

[SemperFi00]

Feeling a little better today but as hard as I try to get my mojo back, still haven’t completely gotten back to where I had been over the past few weeks. And not sure what has been different over last couple of days.

Previous few weeks I believe I had done well in living the mantra that I was standing for M because it was important to me and values and had been fairly detached regarding interactions (or lack of) w/W.

Had even begun to more seriously than ever contemplate whether I was ready to ask her to make a decision – regardless of which direction that may have driven things. I think also experiencing some resentment and anger about the way I am being treated and don’t like that feeling either.

I hate the way these thoughts made/make me feel but am also really beginning to think that the only chance of building a new R is for W to truly experience the loss of family and M. It has also been awhile since I have felt this way so trying to really understand where this is coming from and trying not to react from an overly emotional state.

Also sense that some feelings of insecurity and lack of worthiness are circling around. Don’t like those visitors either.

Ughh!!!!!!

[SemperFi00]

A little better today – thought of some things that may be contributing to me being in a funk the last couple of days:
• Post holiday letdown – although Easter is not one of my favorites
• Kids (and W) are on school break this week – think I may actually be a bit jealous (and angry) about the fact that W appears to be having nice, relaxing, fun and happy week off bonding with kids while I am getting up every day and going to work to provide
• Adoption process required another $1k for retainer and is getting closer to being finalized – and last update from W was that this is the final step in her mind before filing

Two other general comments/feelings:
• In general a sense of frustration that W seems happy and ok with the situation and what states she is going to do – apparently completel oblivious or ignoring the pain being caused to others (although I know that WAS generally act in a very selfish manner)
• A sense that I am being taken advantage and being overly nice and accommodating to all of the W’s current craziness

Seems to me that for the past couple of years W has continued to enjoy all of the benefits of the R and family without being willing to engage in any meaningful way…….. And the opposite for me – seems that I have continued to play the role of H, father, provider, etc because that is part of my values without getting the benefits of being in a loving, caring R.

Very frustrating!!!!!

[labug]

So what is SF going to do?

[SemperFi00]

Hah - that is the $1m ? isn't it.

I had been able to operate from a place of compassion and patience for quite awhile. Staying focused on the boys, positive aspects of my current situation and giving W time to work thru whatever she needs to.

For reasons I don't yet understand, a few days ago my feelings reverted back to earlier times and I guess I started (and participated in) a self-pity party.

For now my immediate actions are to keep up w/GAL activities, continuing being the best father I can be and continuing to work on making myself a better person.

Also trying to understand what the trigger was for the change in feelings.

Thanks for checking in labug.

[SemperFi00]

Journaling a little more.....

Last night while driving home from work W called and asked if I could pick dog up from vet. She had plans to go out with a girlfriend for dinner and drinks @ 6p which was the same time the vet suggested for pickup.

I had been a little frustrated/jealous that she was going out and was a little aggravated that she called me at 545 for the vet pickup but I agreed to do it anyway since it wasn't that far out of the way and it seemed petty to be annoyed and feeling like I was only there for her convenience when needed.

When I got there one of the ladies at the counter said "your W is such a ray of sunshine when she comes into the office and we all really enjoy her so much. You must be a really good husband to keep her so happy!"

I thanked her (after almost coking on my soda) and thought to myself Wow - really universe? What message is that supposed to be?

This morning feel kind of mixed about the whole thing - great that someone could recognize (even though inadvertently) that I am a great guy but also frustrated that seems like the rest of the world gets W's good side and what I am getting right now is the cold, distant and dark parts.......

[SemperFi00]

Couple of other thoughts that have been rattling around that I want to get down here……

- S17 recently made comment to me that he was “sorry mom is blowing you off”. He didn’t’ elaborate much, just said he had noticed that I was trying to help and she was basically ignoring me. My response included 3 things: 1. Very happy that he was sharing with me 2. Thanked hime for noticing and told him that I loved him 3. Sometimes situations are difficult and people are not always ready for help – all you can do is offer and let them decide.

- W needs to pay for lodging for her trip accompying S15 to Global competition. Event coordinator has sent a couple of emails over past weeks asking for payment so that registration can be completed for team. I asked W if she had seen the first one and have not asked again. I mention this because it is a 180 for me – in the past I would have kept pushing and reminding her and probably eventually ended up sending the check myself. Trying to let her be responsible for her own things – and also interested to see how she pays for things…….

- Initiated a discussion w/W a couple of weeks ago asking for her thoughts on having wood floors in house refinished. A few places where pretty worn and will be disruptive both in terms of timing and potentially cost. She made sort of a weird face and said we should think about it later. I have left it alone since then……… I am trying to build up to the point where I can engage her in conversation about how to pay – my sense given current situation is that it would be very fair to ask her to contribute some $$$ from her individual acct

Thoughts any of the scenarios or my approach?

[soldier]

Hello SemperFi00,

I just started following your sitch and I am not a vet on these forums myself but for some reason I was compelled to say hi. Although my own sitch has recently taken a bit of a turn for the better (and by recent I mean within the last few days) and is nothing in complexity compared to what I have read of yours, I can definitely feel your pain on the side of a WAS that is cold and seems to make things seem so easy. What I can say is that this forum talks about believing none of what S does and only 50 percent of what they say in their current state. I would think this could very well be a door that swings to outsiders looking in as well. She may be able to put on a strong front in the public eye and it might seem that everyone else gets the nice side of your W but it is still very possible that with her depression and anger, all these people are getting is her best mask.

I am not sure how serious you were in your comment about universal messages but to some degree I believe we get messages and signs all the time. Sometimes these signs are very small like seeing a purple butterfly go by while we are deep in a certain thought and other times they hit us across the face like a sledge hammer such as a wife that walks out the door. Sometimes they might not even be signs at all but merely coincidence. Either way these signs are very hard to interpret and often they end up being used by us the receivers as more like fortune cookies where we decide what we want them to be. Our current state of mind helps to push these decisions. All of that to say that given your current situation and all that you have been through you will definitely need to be cautious as to how you interpret your signs moving forward.

The last thing I have for you is that I think looking deep into yourself to find that root cause would be most helpful. I have not read all of your threads so I am not sure what you have already done on your journey but my thread has a post on the first page recommending some books and several of them helped me to further pin point what I feel my own root issues are. You cannot put all situations into one size fits all so they may not all be for you but I was able to find that I was fairly emotionally abusive to my W and that this may be due to me having a kind of personality disorder. With this information I can now get more pin pointed help for my own issues that will be needed regardless of whether or not my wife returns to me.

Well I don’t know if any of my ramblings are helpful but I just felt the need to reach out. Maybe it is because you are a fellow service man or maybe it is another message for one or both of us to receive.

Good luck bud and I will check back in.