Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[whytry]

Thank you Roberta. I'm afraid I can't afford at this point. All our money is going to catch up on bills. Plus any expenses about DB causes extreme annoyance and distrust. I have to hide my books and journal just to keep the peace. Sorry. But one day I hope to get to make the call. I use our pastor for my counseling on improving me (not marriage) cuz he's free.

[whytry]

Well it's not good

[Ggrass]

Do you want to expand? What happened?

[VFL]

Exactly what MrBond said. For instance i'm getting my wife a locket that holds charms inside it along with a few charms for my wife from our daughter. Then we'll go out to lunch or dinner.

[whytry]

Probably not a good idea. We were talking and she knows I came back to site and feels betrayed. Y'all have been her friends and she doesn't want the contradiction of people that told her to leave me thinking I'm some wonderful guy only hearing my side. Guess it's better y'all reread my beginning to know

[whytry]

Ok i win the bone head of the year award for the umpteenth time! Discussing with W about me taking kid and his friends to movie, W tells me all she could think about on drive home was OW so I open my stupid mouth and say "I understand I caused our problems and sincerely apologize for my choices and take full responsibility for it but can't reconcile by myself so we both now carry the burden of divorce". Back to square one as michele would say. How did I forget sthu?

[PatientMan]

Probably bad idea but I couldn't resist. Last night while she was getting her mud run stuff in order, I took her car (with her permission) and filled it up. i couldn't stop there. I washed and squeegeed every window. Bought her her favorite vitamin water so she could have on way. This morning before she woke up, I started fresh pot of coffee, got out a coffee mug and a travel coffee mug, laid out her normal breakfast (cream cheese and sunflower seeds), packed vitamin water with ice to keep cold, got out bag for her muddy clothes so she wouldn't forget one. Later told her to have fun and be careful before she left.

Yes, you should be giving her TIME and SPACE. I have been where you have been, and what you are doing is very likely perceived as pressure, and pressure only continues to push the WAS away.

Make sure you read the book.

-PM

[Cadet]

My past is one of manipulation, lies, and selfishness.

My suggestion is to figure out why you continue to do this.
How can you 180 this behavior and start to look inside at yourself?
The answers are with in you and not something that will be fixed externally.

What makes you think that your MLC is over?

Just because you started posting here?

[whytry]

Cadet, I really can't believe my mlc is completely over. I still catch myself hurting inside. This forum has helped me understand myself better. I haven't found any answer anywhere that says anyone is 100% cured. I wish there was. I fought tooth and nail against my W when she desperately tried to explain it to me. I kinda compare it to how michelle says if it took you 16 years to ruin my marriage then it'll take a long time to fix. I think I can make progress and see improvements but it's gunna take a longwhile if ever. What I see is how I handle my issues differently. Instead of anger towards W and children I funnel it to productive tasks. I'm happiest doing dishes, clothes, or cooking cuz i can repeat verses and feel the tension subside. I really wish I had a better answer but thelast few months has been new to me and I read/study anything I can get my hands on. The counseling helps also but encouragement from all of you has really helped me focus about what and who is important and why I have always had feelings for my W and family but never verbally said, emotionally shown, or gave actions proving. When my W hurts I hurt, before I just ignored her. When my kids struggle I feel pain, before I would walk away from them. Now I feel self value jumping in to help kids. If possible I give W support or disengage when she needs space. I know I'm the cause of their pain and that fact alone haunts me.

[whytry]

Thank you pm, and I know you're right. My life has always been self centered and the new feelings are so emotionally strong its difficult to detach. My kids are so loving and affectionate it's horrible to have the memories of how I treated them always swirling in my head. They hug me and love me so I use that to strengthen me. The impulse to make up for being such a monster of a H is my greatest hurdle. W has no reason to try and I know that. Destroying such a beautiful and amazing woman kills me inside.