During these past five months I have looked long and hard at myself and what I want for my life from this point forward. Here are some of the conclusions I have reached:
I want to be with someone who wants to continually strive to be a better person and have a better relationship. I want a man who can and does communicate with me. I want someone who is honest with me and himself.
I deserve to be with someone who will come to me and not turn to another woman when the going gets tough. I want someone who doesn't make excuses about inappropriate contact because there is no such contact at all. Ever.
I need someone who doesn't just say he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust but who makes a plan and follows through with actions that will reassure me. I want a man who goes out of his way to make me feel safe. I want and deserve to be with someone who is willing to crawl through broken glass for me.
I realized that I want and need to be wooed. I want romance, I want fun, I want a man who is thoughtful. I want to feel like the man I am with wants me for me, not just as part of a comfortable life. I want to be with someone who recognizes all I have to offer and who wants to show me why he is the best man for me.
I need to be honest here--I am not sure that is who you are, or the type of man you are. I realized that I didn't feel those things from you or get those things with you before. I will not settle for anything less this time. If "we" can't have that in our relationship, then I am not interested in seeing where this goes because I know I will not be happy. When I love a man I am willing to give him my all, but I am not going to do it with ANY man who can't seem to give those things back. I now know that there are men out there who want to do those things for their women. I just am not sure that is who you are. I don't feel right now that I am willing to give much to you because of those reasons. This is nothing against you for being who you are and I know that you have things you need too, but I just wanted to be honest and not give any false hope here.
Thank you for your reply Starsky. Thanks for referring me to Pearharbrs thread.
1. I want to be coached! 2. I just read your post on boundaries. I feel I have stated mine. Then I was challenged here that I stated an ultimatum. I really want to stand behind my boundaries, see if he pursues, and NEVER waffle from that position.
My boundary: to be in an exclusive, committed, addressing issues with counselling/direction.
I would appreciate your direction/coaching...if you can spare the time.
Please tell me where I am arguing? I feel I have surrendered... and what I am doing over and over with BF... so that I can stop.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
From my own personal archives, about the difference between "boundaries" and "ultimatums." Change the gender as needed:
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
Puppy
And this, which is even better, from an old poster named Jayne, who has just about the best, clearest concept I've ever seen here:
Quote:
Jayne, on “boundaries”:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
I understand about the boundaries... they are set up only to protect me. To state what is acceptable. He can do whatever he wants, that is his choice. I am not stating this to control him, but me.
and frankly, I am not sure if my Xbf has it in him to pursue. I feel that he would respect my suggestions to leave me alone, for fear of hurting me more.... this makes me sad.
I understand how in the past, I have been argumentative...because I would try to explain my point...to death. However, in this case ... since new thread, Im not seeing it.
I "think" people are suggesting that I am arguing over the point of Pearlharbr's strategy.... What I am saying is that I am surprised that a poster was offered tactics and a strategy.... And the BEST part is to realize that she grew from that strategy to a place where she valued herself. My point may have sounded like I was interested solely in the strategy and to apply the tactics to GET HIM BACK...
Can you please tell me what I am doing over and over and over again with Xbf? ..that needs to change?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Can you please tell me what I am doing over and over and over again with Xbf? ..that needs to change?
No. Re-read your threads; you've been told over and over. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain it to you for the umpteenth time, or to highlight the specific text, I"m sorry.
I will leave you with this hint, however: Men like (and respect in others) ACTION. WORDS make us crazy. Set a goal to cut out 90% of your words with him, and focus on your actions, and when all else fails . . . LEAVE. HIM. BE.
ok Starsky... ACTION... I feel I started "action" by not accepting coffee yesterday.
One thing I worry about is that when/ if Xbf feels rejected he doesn't pursue... He goes the other way. I have seen this behaviour in him. When he thought I had a bf he backed off and left me alone... it did not make him come closer. He "says" and his actions "showed" that he came closer when we discussed that I did not have a bf over the past few months. He then became closer, more interested.
So, not sure that keeping him guessing will have the right affect. He needs security that I am working on myself and not seeking male attention. However, this is a double standard... He is not officially working on himself and is enjoying the attention of other women. THIS <<< is a boundary.
Gabby... ok... let me reword my boundary.
"I will not be with someone who is not prepared to BE with me in an exclusive, committed relationship & prepared to address problems by seeking counselling and/or self-help. I need him to look inward and be willing to do the work, not while entertaining OW's attention.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
grrr... let me try again... because its not what I need him to do... but what I need for me. Period.
My boundary:
What I need from a LTR ~~~ I need someone who is prepared to work with me on problems and not run away. I need to KNOW that we are exclusive and committed to each other and our future. There must be a future. A forever future.
Basically, the relationship that I had before.. (with the new knowledge of relationship 101 and minus the attention of OW.
better?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
grrr... is it script that while you begin to exert your self-value by the declared boundary, that the WAS/MLC'er expresses their irritability? This is the second day of his irritableness and I am dodging bullets, maintaining to be helpful and pleasant.
Is this normal?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, If you had educated yourself on MLC and read the postings of others, not only on the active forum, but also the archives, you would have read that the more you set boundaries and adhere to them, the more the MLCer will try different things to see if you are sincere in your boundaries. Also, the more YOU change the more irritable they will get. In some cases, they will be nasty for a while and then change up and be nice, just to get you to take the bait and pull you back into their drama. It is the dance. The only way to break this dance is to continue moving forward and do not take their bait. Make changes for you and only you. Do not make changes, toss out threats just to get them to react and/or change. They sense when you are toying w/them. Everything has to be real and true. No games!
So, he's being irritable, ignore him as much as possible. Don't make any comments about his mood. Little boy has to sulk for a good long while. When he sees you aren't biting, he'll eventually stop his little temper tantrums.
Yes, it is very normal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
