Die andere Heimat is a recreation of village life in the 1840s, set in the same village as the first Heimat series. It leads up to the 1848 revolution. I don't know how good your German is, but what they speak is quite antiquated sounding, and a good head stretch.
The weather in Sweden turned cold again, frost at night, 10 during the day. Tulips are still bravely up, though the secret ones have not opened yet. I will ask d16 to send me pictures (some previous secret tulips are gorgeously tall, purple, proud, and the new secret ones should be flames hopefully).
What color are yours? Glad you can smile a bit. In Essen you will be near Holland - great biking there and tulips! Do you run races? They are fun - (I have a half marathon on Sunday - will be interesting with jet lag...).
Yes, see if you can do the gratitude journal, one thing you are thankful for each day, no repeats allowed!
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
What you did in the past is in the past. Yes, we do the best we can. When we know better, we do better. But one true thing is, we can't change what's past, we can't fix it.
We can only choose to be different from this day forward and take it minute by minute, day by day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I am in a horrible place.. I see the sense of letting go..part of me even wants to if it means I don't have to feel this way anymore but the reality of such a horrible aloneness without my H...I can see I have too much of me invested in us.. all really and I am not ready to be so alone..
.I think I am damaging myself..
It was so weird today..I had asked if he could help with the contract for my new place and the kitchen planning. I won't do that any more with any expectations. he said last Wednesday it didn't really suit.. he had made an appointment. he said today it felt like pressure.
I repeated I really was relying on him and he said OK at 9. He turned up at 9 said the contract was fine.. He is the engineer. I can not work in 3D at all.. he said I was acting like I couldn't do it! the measuring and planning. I agreed I was pretty hopeless but it wasn't an act.. he had always done this sort of job. So he helped with the planning and was OK. He came on the tour again with the owner and listened to the technical stuff.. thank goodness.
We then did not have time to go to a shop to look for kitchens as he had to head back..but we sat in his car for an hour and the conversation was odd.. I can't judge, is it WAS or is it depression.
I validated as best I could when I could understand him. Issues This one comes up frequently: I did not follow his advice and live in the city close to my work. I explained i did value his advice but also needed to be in nature and wanted to live in an area that was safe. He said i had accused him of trying to make me live in an area where I would get mugged ?? because I said one of the suburbs he mentioned was not so pleasant.. Also this one I could stay in this place where I live now did not have to move to a place I thought was horrible! ( 12 months sine I mentioned the new region is horrible.
Money.. he said he can't save any money. He is going to a lawyer to see what he should be doing about money.(I think) I shared with him what I had been told and what it would cost him. Which is twice what he currently contributes. he said well if that is what has to be paid he will pay it. I had to explain the system again..I have to ask for it and I am not going to..It made no sense.. he was feeling like he had no money and then was chasing a process where he would need to pay more .
He suggested I had secrets from my lawyer. I said just info I wanted to tell him face to face so there was not any misunderstanding.. We need a 2 person to sign account when we sell the house if he is going to pursue divorce. he "did not see why that was necessary, why do I listen to her"... what else did I know.. then i had to tell him here in Germany the split is not 50-50..( which is why I wanted to do this one face to face) that also did not make him happy.. then he said well as long a it was finally organised even if he had nothing he would be happy ???
He wants to divide our savings which is fine with me but I have not understood the process he was proposing.He has explained it a few times but always with such an aggressive tone that I know I can not listen properly.. I am so bad with anger..
He accused me of always going around and around on the same topics.. then he came back to the "leaving Australia topic" hey but I validated though it sure wasn't my first thought..and the moving topic and the town one..
he said it is not useful when he visits if we go to a concert or anything normal.. acting like there is nothing wrong?
I validated the silences and some of the comments and it seems that at the base is he feels if we are divorced and totally separated then there will not be any more pressure.. then we can start to look at our relationship.. confused actually he said that in those words..He is under a lot of pressure maybe here I made a mistake but I said I did not feel that topic was really over. We had never discussed really, never explored the consequences of divorce.. he said well what is wrong with it? My mind reading guess is the affair eats at him, people don't approve, it is obvious in parts of the company so I hear..
It did not feel like the time or place for that conversation so I said obviously for me to understand what is happening to me we need to talk more... He then became irritated because I am getting a new kitchen.( I did not say because you are insisting on me having a new apartment).
he was irritated that we have a telephone tariff where I can call Australia.. it cost 4 euros a month extra !
he was very irritated that I have a friend who is a lawyer.
he was irritated that the email bullying was mentioned.. actually by him. he said he did not send the emails.. I said " you brought that woman into my life so you have some responsibilities there.)
Last harvest we had made Rumtopf... fruits in spirits and sugar.. It is ready to eat now. I had bought a fancy new pot and made the rumtopf.. for him,I don't eat it.. so I thought I could take it up.. he said " Now I am getting all the old rubbish!" I said I thought it was something you'd like so please leave it in the car..he did. I am home and just threw it out!
Basically everything irritated him. I said that this obvious tension between us make sit very difficult to make plans and organise for all the things we HAVE to do.. like moving.. Was there a way to help it? he said when everything is organised meaning money, divorce then he will feel better..
so we might get the money done but my lawyer has a plan to drag the divorce out for years...and I have asked her o put it into action when she needs to.. bad plan??
I guess I really want him to hear me, to talk about things without everything being black. To acknowledge that not every moment I lived with him was about making him feel bad and hurting him and deceiving him..That we did not live with tension and bad feeling all those years..that sometimes it was pleasant..maybe even once or twice quite wonderful.
could I be waiting a long time? Do I tell him that is what I need to move on because I that thought really keeps me stuck.
thanks labug I know that I try to live it but it is defining my life..I am really stuck because he is really stuck and the evil loua who destroyed his life is in every conversation and I don't even recognise this person.. when did she live with us??
Luk
Yes I have a race on the 18th just a 10 I am recovering from a piriformis injury.. Running keeps me sane Luje.. the more it hurts the better.. good luck with the half.. what a way to get rid of jet lag.. The tulips are white.. beautiful ( 4 different sizes) and the schwerte lillies are yellow and amazing. I am going to hate leaving this garden for an apartment. Found a place on the edge of the Saurland.. very rural.. good for my soul. My German is Ok usually. I hunt for high level vocabulary but it is functional. Tried a new laufgruppe freitag abend in the new area.. and they were very open and friendly.. Maybe we will end up at the same race some day.. it has been a rough weekend
bit low on gratitude.. How about i did not flip the beamer today when I topped 200k??
Lou - it sounds like you need to detach more- for me realizing that my future might be without my wife and that I was responsible for my own happiness and could affect it was helpful - time also dulls the pain and you have only 7 months since BD - hang in there - work on your own happiness - later - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi Luke maybe detach in any way shape or form might be useful. Just stuck with it. I guess that I get contrasting messages.. Keep a friendly connection.. I find that connection thing hard to do and detach.. maybe I have the detachment thing wrong.
Gratitude beautiful Franken tag, run with a friend , best pace ever !
Hi lou. I have been on here from time to time and noticed you were back more. I need to come back more often to read and keep myself on track.
It seems you and I are stuck in the same place and it seems a rather unhealthy place, at least for me.
I feel like I need the truth from h. Truth about Ow. Truth about his role in our problems. Acknowledgment that our entire relationship wasn't the pit of dispair he has made me to be and that I am not the spawn of the devil he tells everyone I am.
I have to learn to differentiate between want and need because I will never get this from h. Intellectually I know it shouldn't matter to me. My and your hs will do as they do. We need to learn to let go of needing anything from them and find what we want within ourselves.
I will let you know when I figure it out. Your GAL and gratitude journal should help. It is hard to be grateful and angry at the same time.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Hey Julie it sure is..anger and gratitude I found this article about detachment onthe Livestrong website..it described relationships .ike ours as toxic.. and said it is up to us to fix it..it was only yezterday but it struck such a chord. I don't want a toxic relationship with anyone.. yuck.. My H has no clue.. he thinks he has all the answers. and I am tried of , listening to his negativity.. I am sure I will cycle around to being sad again but not for long.. I really am a fine person. He is the one with his reputation destroyed.. Not me.. I am glad we don't have children together. He would have been a horrible, cold distant father. But he recognised that himself So sad man, confused man, fancy thinking he will organise a divorce and THEN talk about the relationship
I feel much stronger, less dependent.. Luke mentioned detaching.. it was an excellent suggestion. ? hope things improve.. we have to do it ourselves. Those useless men we are married to certainly won't be doing anything anytime soon.. Gratitude fastest time for a kilometre ever..and it was a 10 k run..
Very cool with the 10k time, Lou, I am happy for you. My half marathon pace was 10% better than my target, so I am happy too, running is great.
Detaching for me was helped by NY wife's bad treatment of me -the message finally sunk in... repeated refusals to want to do anything together mean what they are when so consistent... it sounds like your h is still lost though, which he needs to work out himself. Focus on you - feel your strength and beauty and find your calm - my sister said to look at this as an opportunity... to be truly you...
There are surely other posts here about detaching -I would seek them out -
Good on the gratitude... I expect to be grateful for my dentist today... toothache! Please see if you find something every day.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi Luke 10% way to go. . I am revising my goal for the race now and I get a medal for finishing. First spirts medal mein ganze Leben!
I was so over the anger and then 10 minutes ago he called from his conference, was pleasant, asked about the dog, said he would look at my kitchen plan after being a total pain about helping Saturday said he will call Thursday. .my thought is what is he up to. .mayv6e that should be my gratitude..a pleasant exchange with a WH... or maybe better Franken Himmel...nothing better.. Welcome back btw... loua
