own buz 27: finances, travel, mediation : STFU !

[Starsky309]

This is what I need, but am not chasing you or begging you to do this.

This is fine, but two things:

1. He already knew this; and so

2. He most likely perceived your text not as a statement of a new boundary, but as chasing him.


Starsky

[makingmagic]

Starsky,

#2? how??

I think he will GET it, and will leave me alone.... at least for awhile... or maybe try to hook me again in a few days.

[makingmagic]

Well, this time I actually mean it... I deserve better than his scraps!

Im scared and excited.

At least now, I won't be sucked in by his "niceness" or "coffee's" that keep us connected and me hopeful. He's cake eating. He's keeping me "there" for back up.... ^^^ this is BS!! Tired of accepting the bone he occasionally throws at me, and being temporarily happy for it.

OR do I truly want him to figure out his sh!t and stop enabling the bait... to see if he really wants a committed relationship with me. If he makes no more offers, then I need to KNOW that.... now. I'm ready. He can spiral in his own mess. I'm tired of being IN HIS CONFUSION.

[Starsky309]

Starsky,

#2? how??

I think he will GET it, and will leave me alone.... at least for awhile... or maybe try to hook me again in a few days.

I'll give a stab at it for starsky.

You keep telling him this will no follow through. You keep reminding him of the same thing. You are chasing him by telling him the same thing over and over instead of just backing off and following through.

Yep -- BINGO.


Starsky

[makingmagic]

he was irritable today....

said "no thx" in text to my coffee offer today. Said that I was busy with a client... didn't want to make him feel bad. He arrived at work with coffee for himself and a fresh pack of cookies. I was reading, when he arrived...then intermittently worked on our vehicles, then back to reading...I didn't even sit with him

...its a start.

I really see that I need to have boundaries... a minimum as to what I require. My bottom line is ... an exclusive, committed relationship where we address our issues.

[MrBond]

"
Pearlharbr actually did it ALL....for the reaction. "

Wow are you totally wrong. That just shows how little you understand. Listen to starsky.

"said "no thx" in text to my coffee offer today. Said that I was busy with a client... didn't want to make him feel bad. He arrived at work with coffee for himself and a fresh pack of cookies. I was reading, when he arrived...then intermittently worked on our vehicles, then back to reading...I didn't even sit with him

...its a start."

You're still trying out tactics on him. If you weren't you wouldn't still be analyzing EVERY little thing he does. I mean you're the only person who details every movement and things that their spouse actually brings. "FRESH" cookies?

"I really see that I need to have boundaries... a minimum as to what I require. My bottom line is ... an exclusive, committed relationship where we address our issues."

That's not a boundary. That's an ultimatum on your part. You pretty much gave him an ultimatum.

[makingmagic]

I know you find it difficult to believe Bond, but... I know its not an ultimatum, its how I'm feeling.

And Pearharbr's words more than once... was that she did it for reaction. Which surprised me & she even got support knowing her position. She was given step by step details on what to do. Very surprised.

These are my tactics.... I can't be bothered. I just wanted to post and be supported on my 'day one'.

[MrBond]

"Saying I want a reconciliation, but if he is not willing to put both feet in, commit & be exclusive....then I'm out."

Um this is an ultimatum.

"Which surprised me & she even got support knowing her position. She was given step by step details on what to do. Very surprised."

She got guidance same way as you did, but she actually grew. As being one of those who helped along with others, we could actually see her learning. You're not in the same league as her right now. She learned eventually to really concentrate on herself and not manipulate her BF who is now her H.

For some reason you can't see things the way we do.

[makingmagic]

bond.. her beginnings were very manipulative and she admits it. Yes, she grew. I will learn too. I am not starting from a manipulative place (mine is more about self respect and protecting my own heart).

That statement may appear as an ultimatum, but it was not stated to him...its my inside boundary. There is a difference.

Even "IF" I were to be "starting" with an agenda (like she did)... she had step by step instructions daily and that surprises me. She also got a bunch of hand holding through each and every interaction (even small beginnings). I may need this too. It just so happens that I work/see/interract with xbf more than most.

Ultimately, I do deserve a committed exclusive relationship.... if he isn't prepared to give that... thats ok. I just need to know.

[makingmagic]

Gabby... no... the whole pearlharbr story is strategy. Its very interesting. But very strategic and manipulating.

I never had a strategy before. The diff between pearl and myself is she had intentions to play him, to see him sweat. And the supporter even suggested she read a thread of a woman who pretended to have an imaginary boyfriend. My intention is to save me and my self worth... not accepting the crumbs anymore. Period. She overcame the part of it being a strategy and grew to want more for herself... this is where I jump in. <<<< this is where I am at!

Her words "right now I am only doing it for me and to make him realize what he threw away." .... I can totally relate & can't help but want my xbf to realize too. But...thats not my sole purpose...or even the main purpose. My sanity is!

This is 'day one' of me saying NO TX for coffee, no more crumbs,

I am on this site for the support and hand holding that it offers.... like many people on here. I have seen many on here for years and years, I'm still a newbie in comparison.