Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

Then I posted this on 5/5/14

Just had a crisis.
W came to my house around 1:30pm today to cook a big steak dinner for her mum, her daughter and me. All was going well until she wanted to log on to my computer to look up something on the internet but I had changed my password. She asked if it was to keep her Out and I said yes, because in the past she went in an deleted files. And besides she changed all the passwords on her computer. She said that I changed my password because I don't want her to know I'm watching porn. I said that's not the reason. I said I have some private things on my computer that I don't want to share at this time. Then she started talking about our relationship and I stopped her, saying I don't want to talk about our relationship until your affair is over and the OM in no longer in our life. She asked if she can just be friends and I said no, no contact forever, period. She asked how she should prove it and I said open up your phone, computer and all communication methods to my random inspection - that would be the only way I could see. She started talking about the relationship again and I just put my hand up and said when the affair is over we can talk. She said she's done and walked out of the room. Just then her daughter pulled in for dinner. Dinner was very tense. W & I exchanged very few words. The tension was palpable. D & mum were uncomfortable. Then W went for a walk with D and when they return W just packed up all the extra food and left without saying good bye to me. She is very angry at me now. I spoke with D briefly after W & mum left and she can see that things are not going too well today. I told her not to worry about us. What happens will happen - we just have to let the process unfold. Now 15 minutes later W is back at her retirement home business and is asking me to send her a lease agreement for the live-in staffer that we're planning on bringing in. Then W can get her own apartment and move out of the business. I really don't feel like writing up a lease agreement tonight for my WAW. Cake eating if you ask me. She has a copy of one I wrote two weeks ago that she could edit. Who am I? Her secretary I don't even feel like answering her text. I won't.
Called my IC. We had a long talk. Looks like I did the right thing putting my foot down about the R and not talking about it until the A is over - thanks Sandi. It was very hard though. I was all anxious and tense but a couple of glasses of wine and an hour on the phone with my therapist (who is so great and supportive) helped calm me down. I sent the W a text telling her I didn't want her reading stuff on my computer that is very personal and would be open to misinterpretation by her. But she just responded with the details she wanted in her lease agreement she expected me to write. Yeah, right. I have detached.
Tomorrow we have to go together with her mum to the immigration folks about her mum having to leave the country. Ill just be polite, cheerful, focus on mum and mum's needs and be poised and well dressed. Ill be the best I can be. That's all I can do. No apologies for the ultimatum. No regrets, I am strong. I'm a good man. Wish me the strength to persevere.
Thank you.

[PeterV2]

Then on 5/6/14 Sandi2 replied:
Sounds like you did a realty good job. Next hard job is stopping the cake eating. It's hard b/c sometimes it seems a fine line between looking like a jerk and standing firm. It will also be difficult b/c of your relationship with her mother and daughter. Michele says to choose your battles wisely. I believe the same advice can be applied to cake eating.
She seems to think nothing of it when she barges into your house and just does whatever she wants. However, would she give you the same liberties at her place? Maybe she would.......but if she's in an A, I doubt she wants you busting through unannounced whenever you want. She should give you the same consideration. She is not living there with you, nor is she working toward a reconciliation.......so why does she act as though its still her place? B/c she has gotten away with it.......b/c you thought that was what you were suppose to do. But that is just me, and you may want her intruding and announcing her family is coming and what you will have for dinner, etc. and EXPECTING you to comply just like when you were together with her.
So I suggest you take a few days to think about some ground rules while separated. They are not for you to control her life or even force her to stop the A. It is so both of you know what to expect. She needs to respect your privacy and not barge into your house without knocking. She should at least give as much respect about inviting herself and family over for dinner.. .as she would any other person. It is rude and presumptuous to come in and start telling you the plans for your day/evening, Of course, you may want to be careful not to specify her mother and daughter, b/c she will get angry and may tell them you don't want them coming anymore. I'm just using the recent events as an example.
The WAW in an A does not like boundaries...........of any type. But when it comes to your home, business, or other property, she has to respect it. And, you want her to show respect to you. You may keep that in mind as you are thinking about this. And.. .... since some guys need a little tweaking, you might want to post those BEFORE giving them to her. And before you tell her anything, you could mention to her (at a good time) that you have been thinking it might be better if both of you have some ground rules. If she asks "like what?". Tell her you are still thinking.
She is going to wonder what's going on with you, when she starts seeing you change from your original plan to a better one. B/c it is better for you.....and she won't like it. Bear in mind this is to be expected. She's been eating a l00000t of cake and won't be happy if you take it away.
Again, weigh it carefully. Make your choices wisely. Post it here first.
Oh, I just remembered you said she had been staying at the retirement center. So, does she have a little apartment there, or does she run back and forth to get clothes from your house? Is the only way to have her morn and daughter for dinner is doing it at your house? Hummm, this could put a little pressure on her to find a place where she can have her family over. Like I said........take you time to think it over. This is for you and what you want.......not anybody else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

[PeterV2]

Her business is the retirement home for seniors. There are 14 rooms but we have some vacancy right now
that's why my business is subsidizing hers because she hasn't the revenue to meet expenses. She lives in one of the rooms with an ensuite bathroom - a room I built brand new last summer while she was out having fun with the ON. She can entertain her family there.
We had agreed on the steak BBQ at my place last night so I was expecting her, but not so early.
She did barge in on me a couple of times in the past week. I think she's hoping to catch me with my pants down or something. She has a rule that I have to let her know when I'm coming to her business. But I haven't reciprocated with a similar rule for my house - although technically it's still our house. But then again I helped pay for her business, so technically it's also our business. But yes, she still has a lot of clothes in my house and has been running back and forth with the change of seasons. She has said she wants to get her own apartment away from the business to have some peace and privacy. I'm not advocating that. I suggested we could swap accommodations, her at our house, me at the retirement business. But after thinking about it, why should I put myself Out of my own house.
Today we went with her mum to the immigration folks and mum's being deported in 30 days. So we said we'll be spending the weekends with mum, doing day trips and such to spend as much time with her in her last month in Canada. W & I were both very civil to each other and had a good day. She is still cold though and rewriting our history constantly. I try to ignore that stuff.
Detach. Detach.
I still have to say to her, "My door is open now, but I won't wait forever" and just leave it at that.

I did make one rule at the very outset, and that was the OM was not allowed on the retirement home (RH) property or I would have him arrested for trespassing. As far as I know they have complied with that rule. She meets him in town or elsewhere. But she still demands that I let her know when I'm coming to the RH. I'll he out of town at a convention for the next 3 days and W said she may come and stay at the house to get away from the RH business - where she rarely gets a break. I said Ok, but my computer will be locked and Ill be taking all my Ft stuff, books, journals, etc. with me locked in my car so if she snoops she won't find anything. It'll give her a taste of what it would be like living back here - food for thought for her.

[sandi2]

She has a rule that I have to let her know when I'm coming to her business.

Then she should respect you with the same action.

Try to be as pleasant as you can, for MIL's sake. No sense in getting her upset at you right before leaving. Use it as opportunities to show your charming personality. Just don't get all confused by any responses or reactions from your W. A lot of men allow their emotions to play havoc if the W acts nice to them. Don't make it out to be more than it is.

[PeterV2]

I've been thinking. Is there any value in calling the OM and asking him if his W knows he having an A with my W. Or is there any benefit to me calling the OM's W and asking her if she knows.
Because I know they were already involved in the A before he separated from his W. Or is that pursuing?
I've been out of town for a couple of days and when I came home she sent me a text saying she had hoped I would have dropped by her place on my way home. She had put her car in the shop while I was away and she picked it up late yesterday. She probably tried to put the $3000 repair bill on our joint credit card and was unsuccessful because the card in now maxed out. So she would have had no choice but to pay for it herself. She sent me a text saying "I picked up my car from the mechanic's". She wouldn't have sent me such a mundane text unless there was a significant underpinning.
I've been pumping thousands of dollars into her business over the past 5 months from my business and I'm wondering if I should stop doing that, just saying that I don't have the money this month. But I could still pay for my MIL's immigration lawyer because that's my MIL and I love her dearly. I don't really want her MIL to see a lot of tension in our M just before she leaves. So maybe I'll be prince charming for the next 4 weeks. But I must stay detached so as not to fall under the sway of W's charms. I expect her to be charming in MIL's presence, while having to wear my spew jacket when out of MIL's earshot.

[sandi2]

If OM and his W is separated, what good would it do in telling his W? It would simply justify the separation. It wouldn't make your W desire to reconcile the M.

Is this car considered her property? I mean, does she pay for the upkeep or does that come out of the joint account? This is why men need to get the finances separated when his W walks out. She expects him to continue footing her expenses. Some of these things are a tough call. What do you feel is right? Can you pay the bill, or are you reacting emotionally?

It may be something that merits a call to your lawyer, but IDK. Since this is not a legal S, I don't how expenses are determined when S and who pays for what. But I think it would be in your best interest to find out.

[PeterV2]

I was having breakfast this morning when she walked in to the house unannounced. I couldn't read her mood - she seemed conflicted. She said she wants to move out of the RH. She was in her dressing room in our house and I asked her if she's going to be moving all her clothes to her new apartment. She said she's not getting an apartment, "why, do you want me to move out of here?" I said no, I just mentioned it because you had said a while back you were thinking of getting and apartment. So it seems that she's thinking of moving back home. Then she put on her work-out clothes and did a work-out in the living room and after took a shower. After her shower she was naked in her dressing room in front of me and put on her panties and bra and asked me I wanted to hold her. Call me weak, but I couldn't resist. She lead me to the bedroom and lay down on the bed for me to hold her. Still fully clothed, I lay beside her and we held each other for half an hour. She said she wanted to see if it felt right. (didn't get a verdict on that). She said she's no longer in her R with the OM. I asked her if it was NC and she said she didn't want to talk about that right now. We talked about our relationship - I know I'm not supposed to until I'm 100% sure it's over, but we were hugging and kissing and talking. She still holds grudges about me viewing porn 8 years ago until I agreed to stop at her request (she had sanctioned it before that). Then she was asking why she always seems to pick men who don't appreciate her until she leaves. i.e. why are you changing now? I told her this is a textbook situation and that relationships can recover and thrive after such an event. She said that was BS. We had lunch, went for a short walk and then she left. I'm not sure if I blew it, holding her, kissing her and talking R when I have no 100% guarantee that the A is over. She did say the OM had too many issues for her to deal with. I think he's going through a messy divorce right now, but W wouldn't comment on my thought. She said divorces can go through in a month (he left her last July) and some people have their affairs better organized. W said to me that the OM didn't leave his W to have an A with my W. I said that's BS. Of course he left his W to be with you. I told her she still didn't seem to understand how men's minds work. There's a lot of turmoil in her life right now and she said that's not the best time to make any big decisions. Yeah, maybe once mum has left the country she'll make up her mind. That gives me about 4 weeks of being prince charming - not that I wouldn't continue to be so for the rest of my life - just withholding from being "unavailable" for 4 weeks. Man, this is a fine and difficult line to walk.

[sandi2]

Well, she just played you. The minute she undressed and asked if you wanted to hold her!

[sandi2]

I wrote a very long post, then lost it.

You played right into her hands. You had ample opportunities to turn the conversation around, yet you allowed her to refuse to discuss the A and let her make it about something that stopped 8 yrs ago?

This is not about your previous porn use, that ended with her request! Furthermore, she is not ready (a loooooong way from it) to be your W. She is simply tired of of staying at the RH. She wants to go home......but not back to her H. Can you not see it? Can you not see how she used her sexuality to temperature check you?

If you let her come back without her doing the work, you will be in a limbo that has no end. In other words, a dead M. Is that what you want?

[PeterV2]

Sandi2, I see it. Yeah she played me and I fell for it. We did discuss the A though. So what do I do when she asks to be held? Refuse? Tell her that until the OM is completely and finally out of her life and she's ready to reconcile, then I'll hold her?
No, I don't want a dead M or to live in limbo. She said she's working on herself. She's doing a lot of soul searching. I told her she's been rewriting our history and she looked at me astonished and said, "yes, I guess I have been." She's saying I'm doing things out of character for me, not that it's bad but she's not used to my new behaviour. So I think there's something happening between those two ears. But I agree that she needs more work. I also realize I was weak and fell for her sexuality. She did say her A was over but I guess I should demand to see proof. How do I approach that request?
I'm taking mum out to the jazz club tonight. W has to work at the RH. Tomorrow W & I have Mothers Day brunch with mum & the two kids at a restaurant.
Should I still ask her to call before she comes to our house? I guess I could tell her that I would really appreciate it if she were to text or call me before she comes by. She'll ask why. I'll just say it's just common courtesy.