Strange days...

[2ndTimeHurt]

Spoke to my counselor today and it was really good. She really thinks my ex has some strong borderline traits. It was really nice talking with her because she validated and agreed with a lot of my beliefs about my ex and also called me out on some stuff. It was nice to hear from her that my ex is really unstable right now. My counselor flat out laughed at what ob has been doing for my ex.

My counselor painted a really good picture of what's been happening with my ex. I've had a really good idea but it was nice that she filled in the blanks.

At this point, I have to tread carefully with how I behave around ex. She is sick and no matter how rational I am I will look like the bad guy.

Basically I have to treat her like an addict or alcoholic and lovingly detach. If she is to come out of this she really needs to crash and burn hard. If I remove myself from her life she can't blame me anymore for her unhappiness. Lets hope she figured this out for my son's sake.

My counselor totally thinks that it's not right that my ex is introducing s3 to ob so soon. She also gave me pointers on how to deal with borderline people. We'll see how well I do.

[Crimson]

How long did your ex wait to introduce him? And what picture did your C paint of your ex?

Crimson

[2ndTimeHurt]

She waited 3-4 weeks!!

My counselor thinks she has strong borderline traits.

She says my ex is selfish, immature, doesn't take responsibility of any of her actions/emotions, has no self worth or respect(dating right away), she likes to grasp at me when im pulling away, makes rash decisions, has no moral compass to guide her etc. etc.

And this isn't an assessment of just one visit. I've seen my counselor for 2 years and she's met my ex and she's talked with our couples counselor who counseled us for close to 5 months or so.

She basically said what I've been saying; that I have to treat her like an addict. My ex is addicted to the drama that she gets from me. I'm her scapegoat for all her problems and as long as I keep enabling that she will continue to dump her sh*t on me. My ex has her lenses on again where I'm the cause of her unhappiness.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Question.....

Is keeping the peace, part of "leaving the road back paved smoothly" concept?

I've been dim/dark and keeping texts short. My ex said I was being rude. My counselor says to remove myself from her life so that she has no one to blame but herself for her unhappiness. Seems like I'm the still reason by going dim. My IC also says my ex is addicted to making drama with me. She needs me to be the scapegoat for her unhappiness. How do I remove myself from that?

I'm trying not to enable her behavior yet by disengaging I'm still enabling her to blame shift. If I'm all nicey nice to her I feel like it shows that I approve of her behavior. I'm confused...

[2ndTimeHurt]

I dont usually ask questions outright, but this time i think i need some advice fast. My ex wants to discuss some concerns of hers after shes done work. I know it's only been 4 hours since my last post, but I could use some guidance for the exchange ill have with her.

I'd like to bring up that my concerns regarding introducing my son to douchbag didnt matter to her so her concerns don't matter to me. Or should I keep my mouth shut and stfu.

I'd like to give her a piece of my mind but should I stfu?

I'd prefer to be emotionless but does it really matter at this point if I keep the road paved smooth?

She thinks she's right, isn't capable of taking responsibility for her behavior, wants things her way, assumes the worst in me, perceives me how she wants to, etc. how do I go about communicating with her?

[2ndTimeHurt]

My ex is spewing like a volcano. Wowzers, isn't it interesting......

[Thornton]

I think your counselor is spot on. Stay dim and let her realize the mess that she put HERSELF in.

Don't let her bait you, she is going to try, no doubt!

Stay calm and detached.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Thanks Thornton. She spewed and baited like a champ today. Probably like 10-15 texts back to back to back. I have not responded to her texts. I just asked when I should drop s3 off and she hasn't replied. Typical. She even said if I wanted defend my actions that she would listen. I call bs. More like she'd read what I said then go into defense mode once again. This is the craziest I've seen her. Crazy times....

[Thornton]

Now that you are aware that you might be dealing with a BPD, you can relax and know that she is sick right now, absolutely nothing you can do about it.

More than likely, the calmer you get, the angrier she will get. It's repetition at this point. Eventually she will see if she wants a reaction from you, she will have to change her approach to a calmer one.

Think of her as a 9 year old stomping her feet in the grocery store because she wants a toy. Are you going to reward that behavior with a response (buying her the toy)? Or let her realize she will gain NOTHING from acting like that?

Good job on not taking the bait.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Thanks again Thornton. This is such a rough ride. Been over 2 years now with a 7 month reconciliation mixed in!!

I view her more as a 4 year old haha. I see similarities between her and my son.

Seriously though, I'm really struggling with finding a way to "be" around her, y'know, how do I act around her? I'm trying all sorts of different approaches and I'm failing. Right now I'm letting her go to figure her sh*t out with minimal help from me while I go on and live my life. I'm sort of seeing this girl but her situation is extremely complicated. She has 1 maybe 2 years left to live. Crazy!!!