Starsky.., I am not insistant on marriage... I am insistant on commitment.... like I had before, except in our OWN home. THAT is my firm boundary. I am not opposed to marriage, I would accept it... but it is NOT the priority. Being with the right person is.
Sorry you feel that way Bond... I agree to a point on the mind reading.. just not sure where I am being called out for my behaviour. Gabby wanted me to admit something that wasn't true. So, defending and clarifying myself is not arguing.
For those who are following, it was acknowledged during my weekend away that I struggle with finding my truths/authenticity/finding my own answers. You may call it deaf ears /same behaviour or arguing....however, it takes time for me to see and to sort through my sh!t and if you don't have the patience for me...thats your issue. I can't worry about trying to please others. I now understand why this happens and accept myself through it. I will be patient for me, even if you don't. I will accept my struggle and work through the other side.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
To add for Starsky.... I would not accept a marriage proposal right now anyway... HE needs to make some changes.... I need to see if who he is (the new him), is who I really want to be with.
I need to see who he is now... or who he may have always been and ignored for my benefit.... This will take time.
I can see what you suggest that a proposal could be my starting point, if I were sure that he is who I WANT..... does this make sense?
its like I am interviewing him, at the moment.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
To add for Starsky.... I would not accept a marriage proposal right now anyway... HE needs to make some changes.... I need to see if who he is (the new him), is who I really want to be with.
I need to see who he is now... or who he may have always been and ignored for my benefit.... This will take time.
OK, thanks for clarifying, but I think you're headed for simply more of the same from him.
A few weeks ago, you posted this:
Quote:
You asked "why" I want this relationship? not because its easier, but because I actually like a lot about him... who he is as a person. We have history that I am not willing to throw away without a very good fight. The fight needs to be about me standing up for myself. The fight is not about me caving into his requests. The fight means I can rest knowing that I did my very best. Not sure if that means that it conflicts with:
1) doing what HE wants on his terms (his way, his time schedule), coffees, connections, dinner, no sex.
OR
2) like Bond suggests... spending time without "expectations", being more like a friend. Listening, having coffee's, connections, dinners, etc... NOO expectations!
OR
3) or with me saying "these terms don't work for me", cut his arse off (like you suggest)
Your post from this morning sounds a helluva more like just more of #1, than it does like either #2 or #3.
Perhaps I'm being simplistic, but if you don't push for marriage as the form of commitment you're going to require going forward, I think you're just looking for years and years of the same push-pull from him. You already seem to be backing off of your new boundaries.
Tx Starsky... hmmm, I will review that... you may have a point.
I would say I am doing more of #2, but pushing down my expectations. Would that make it #1?
Marriage is a GREAT idea... but, I need to see his changes too. If he is incapable of those changes, Im not sure I want marriage from him then. I need to see if he is willing to make the efforts to change, to look at himself .. like I was forced to do too. This changed me... If he prefers to be his OLD self...then, I'm not certain I want it either... so at this point marriage suggestions are irrelevant. I am not suggesting he change... he needs to want to change for himself and to recognize the effort it takes to have a good relationship. It doesn't come as a given.
Im taking this time to treat it like an interviewing process... Im going to watch and see what he does and says... To listen really to what he wants in life and with who, etc.
Thanks for trying to hold me accountable to what you believed was my goal... and it still just might be... but, I need to see who he is first. Can I ask how you think I will get more of the same from him? I see it as His words and action beginnings are showing me that he does want more in life than what we had. That he is being a man of his word (always was) and that after our finances are behind us, he wants to explore reconciliation, possibly...that is why he is insistent on getting along and having coffee moments, etc. He even suggested a business road trip this past week.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Can I ask how you think I will get more of the same from him?
I believe it was former US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who once said about pornography: "I can't define it; but I know what it is when I see it."
I just don't feel anything different from either one of you as you described those lengthy recent exchanges. Certainly not from you anything that -- as a guy -- would make me feel "Whooaaa . . . she needs more from me. This isn't going to be so easy anymore."
Not sure if I ever recommended this to you before, but you should look up old threads by a poster named Pearlharbr. Hers was also a LTR (not married), and she also finally decided "I need more from him!" and she held remarkably FIRM on that, hardly ever wavering, and eventually he stepped up and they ended up happily together.
I think the difference in how Pearl came across and how you're coming across (at least how you describe it to us here) will be striking to anyone who reads both sitches.
From what I understood/understand and from how Bond reports it...is that it doesn't matter what I WANT, when dealing with MLC.... so, this is a challenged position. This is about what HE wants. I am respecting that too.
For me...
I get what you are saying... and maybe with time... once he is through his MLC, I could make such a stand... if I still felt that way about our relationship.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm confused bond. I'm trying to follow your suggestions by listening and having a few coffee moments and accepting his leads on dinners/drinks tiring not to have expectations or at least lowered. I've been making progress on our financial agreement too.
Last night I went for dinner with a friend, then a long walk and out to movie with dd.
Where am I doing the same things?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
