Figuring out how to behave

[mdu]

Ugh, so it feels like the s*** is totally hitting the fan here and I'm about to lose my s***!!! I just happened to notice when I got home that H's Surface (like an iPad) is not here. I asked him where it was. He claims he brings it to work every day. Hmmm...I must admit I have never noticed/looked so PERHAPS that is true but certainly seems red flaggish after our confrontation just the other day about total transparency.

And I'm looking more closely at the CC charges and he has absolutely lied to me about their encounters, the number and frequency. There is truly NO other explanation for him to have charges in another state without my knowing.

Finally, I did find ONE odd charge after he supposedly cut it off with her. It was while he was traveling and I wonder if it was some sort of computer access or something so he could connect with her.

So I'm freaking out! He is not here now but will be home in about an hour!!! He knows that something is up because of my questions about the Surface. He also asked 'Whats up?' when I asked him when he'd be home. I'm sure he knows I found things on the CC.

I don't know what I should be doing??? He is expecting at least a discussion about the Surface when he gets home. I kept asking questions (this was via txt) and he said 'can we continue this when I get home?' Should I talk about the CC too?? I'm sure he knows I've found things on it since I just asked for the password. I just don't know if I can keep calm enough for this! I frankly don't know if I even should be calm at this point, he's such an a-hole!!!

I hope somehow is around to HELP!!

[MrBond]

You have to understand that people who are in an A do what they call "trickle truths". They slowly give out information because they feel that they "don't want to hurt" the LBS. When in actuality total transparency is best.

Have the two of you decided to go to C since he said he is willing to work things out?

[mdu]

Yes, we have been seeing a MC since this came out.

So should I be really hard on him or not? I am pretty furious. It's so deceiving because when we discussed the timeline and details he seemed SO sincere and truthful. I truly have no idea what to believe and how I can possibly ever trust him again.

[MrBond]

Give him a chance to come clean first. Look at him deep in the eyes and tell him that you understand that its a difficult time for the two of you and that while the two of you are working through your relationship issues, you need him to come clean so that the trust can be rebuilt for you.

Tell him that you found some discrepancies in the credit card charges, so are giving him the opportunity to be honest with you which would be the first step to healing.

Keep your voice in control and level. Don't lose eye contact with him. See how he reacts.

If he gets defensive, don't get emotional. Stay strong and firm.

[mdu]

Thanks MrBond. I am going to try my best. It's so, so hard.

[mdu]

Went horrible. Although I think I handled it pretty well. He was very, very defensive questioning me on specifics. I kept my cool and basically said 'well I have the facts all right here, lets go through line by line.' He admitted only 1 additional meeting with her but it really doesn't add up at all that he would go to the EXACT same town in another state twice but only actually meet her there ONCE. Also, he is claiming he ate ALONE at TGIF's and spent $50. I just don't buy it. There were also several charges, again in the state she lives which he could not explain. There were additional charges that I wanted to ask about but I just stopped, he was so obviously not at all using this as a chance to come clean and make amends. I really don't know WTH to do next. Now he's PISSED and stomping around, obviously another very bad sign. If someone is out there please advise. I am tempted to lose it and kick him out! I can't believe the direction this is going and have no clue HTH I will sleep tonite I just so hate how he claimed he wants to work on it when he so obviously does NOT!!!

[Train]

This is just me, but I would advise against kicking him out.

Take 10 deep breaths.

You are in control of you. Get control. And then let's chat. And wait on vets. Lol.

[scooby]

MDU

Sorry the conversation did not go well. Sounds like he is acting like a 2 year old now. I heard you say that you are not strong. I disagree! You are very strong to be putting up with this nonsense and not having a nervous breakdown. Take a deep breath! Go to another room opposite of him. Vent on the forum, or watch tv, or go to bed early, or go for a drive. It won't do any good to talk to him some more because he is mad and pouting. He knows that you know what happened now. Hopefully he will be ready to talk about it soon. I missed it - Is he done with the affair, or is he still having it?

Keep your chin up. You are very strong - the weak are the ones that give up. Find something to laugh about if possible - it helps heal.

[Train]

A few points to remember, from Starsky's previous advice:

stop leading with your EMOTIONS, and rather to lead with a PLAN.

I'll stop pushing. You do need to be fully ready for what you may find out, and it sounds like you're not there yet.

Something tells me - if you're now ready for it - Starsky will be on here "pushing" soon.

[Train]

Also remember, mdu, cheaters LIE. It's not just your H. It's allllll of them. He's going to lie right now. A lot of them believe they're "protecting" YOU by lying to you. Mostly, it's self-preservation, of course.

You're going to get through this. We're here to help. And I fully agree with tld. You are AMAZINGLY strong. And you're showing SUCH grace in the face of this nightmare. Don't lose it now! Don't continue talking to him. Let him stew. Give it tonight. And vent here. I'm here to listen.

Tonight/Tomorrow, we'll come up with a PLAN. DON'T LEAD BY EMOTIONS. Please remember that.