Thanks CB! I always knew from the start that her dad was a problem, I just never believed she would buy his "I'm sorry" crap. Funny thing is I tried to stay out of the way as I hoped some day they could come to some kind of understanding, didn't think it would cost me my marriage that's for sure! Also, it's true that all her relatives on her mom's side DO tell her what a mistake it is to trust him. Her grandmother (up until she started to lose her mind recently) won't even say his name out loud. And you're right, it makes no difference to her at all.
You're right, I knew the answer but just wish it was different. God, what I would give to be able to go back in time and see that this was coming. Ahh, fantasyland!
Hi everyone. Not having much luck with GALing today. Wife has been cleaning out her closet of all the clothes that no longer fit her since she has lost 30 lbs. Also she now fits into dresses that she hasn't worn since 1993! Part of her getting ready to move out. Tomorrow is Easter and we are going to her Grandmothers along with her mom's family. She has been asking for my help and of course I can't seem to say no.
She was on call for work today and when 5:00 came and no call she figured she was off the hook. Well at 6:15 she gets the call and she gets so ANGRY! She ends up leaving the room and screaming to herself and having an imaginary conversation with her boss that called cursing her out. This is the same woman who she went out with a few weeks ago and ended up getting so drunk she had to stay the night and after was so happy because she made some "new friends". (All the other women there are a lot younger than her, including her boss).
So, of course she gets angry at ME and all I did was let her vent and validate her feelings. For the last few years her total energy has been her work. She spends her time at work or with her work friends and texts her work mates every night. Her job is her first priority (other than her dad. She refuses to take time off to vacation with me or the kids but will for him).
Hopefully she is begining to see how dangerous this is. Probably not but until she sees that work can't take the place of family, she'll never get out of her fog. Of course it's her dad that's been telling her that she needs to be a "professional" or see's not doing anything positive with her life. Only hope she's in a better mood when she gets back!
Why is it I still feel the need to help my WAS? Why is it I still care so much about someone who is treating me so badly and destroying my family?
My wife has lost so much weight that our daughters teacher asked her if she was ill. She fits into clothes from before we were married and all she can say is how "ugly" her thighs are! I am being totally honest when I say her thighs as close to perfect as possible in real life. Add that she is 47 years old and they are nearly a mericle. She has lost her butt, and is starting to look anorexic. Today she was upset and getting ready to go run and got angry at me for saying I thought her thighs were great. Then she looked in the mirror and because she has lost so much weight, her shoulders are bony and look broad because of that. She says "I think my shoulders are broader than yours".
Now I'm not bragging here so don't think badly of me, butt with all the exercise I've been doing since B-day, I'm in fantastic shape. Better than I've ever been in my life and I have very broad shoulders. A lot broader than here, that's certain. Why are they so obsessed with their looks? Why do they care more about this stuff than what they are doing to the people they love?
Another thing..... Since B-day she refuses to even think about going to church, even on Easter Sunday! It's like she avoids it with all she has. Of course, she wants me to go, alone and actually gets upset if I don't but she won't. I asked her once about this and she said she doesn't need to go to a church to "be with God". She said she listens to the birds singing in the AM and that is all she needs to be close to God. Why is it MLCers lose all their ties to God? Is it that that part of themselves is so ashamed of what they are doing they just can't face it? I see posts all the time where good, church going men and women end up having affairs and going crazy during their MLC and all of them seem to lose this grounding tie to God. Just food for thought.
Good and bad day on Easter.... Like many of you LBSers out there, yesterday was one of those days that both hurt and make you hope. I can't help but think that this is probably the last Easter I will spend with my family as a family, W included, maybe forever. We went to W's mom's and all her realatives were there (mine all live 1600 miles away since we moved 20 years ago). They all love me and while my W doesn't know that her Aunt, uncle and cousins all know about her plans to leave me, her mother told her sister and her sister told her daughter and so on down the line so while she still thinks she is hiding it all from them, they all know. The thing is they all can't understand what she is thinking. We always had one of those marriages where everyone thought things were so good. W's grandmother once said how lucky W was to have someone who so obviously loved me and would do anything for her.
They all mean well when they come to me alone and tell me how they love me and no matter what, I will always be part of the family and I will always be welcomed. If I didn't know that my W was leaving, you would never know it from the way she acted. She was friendly to me, took pictures, talked with me and in groups. the only things noticeable were how she sat as far from me as possible at dinner. Our oldest daughters boyfriend came and he is such a good kid and it's one of those days that my 14 year old D still acts like a kid hunting eggs with the youngsters. It was all so bitter sweet. On the way home everyone was laughing and happy and talking about the day while my W was busy posting pictures to Facebook, not one of which included me or even a mention of the fact that I was there! She got all excited by all the people who "liked" her pictures. It's like she gets validated that she is a "good person" because these people showed an interest in her. Some of them are even my realitives (they don't know what's going on yet, only my parents do)how can she be so happy for attention from them knowing she is planning to leave me and do all the hurtful things she does.
There were times during the day that I almost forgot how I only have a few more weeks before my W goes out on her own to "find her joy", how she tells me that I'm the reason she is so unhappy and all she needs to do is get away from me and everything will get better. At one point she actually touched me, getting the confetti out of my hair and she looked at me the way she used to. These are good days but almost too good because as soon as we leave she goes right back to the person who blames me and her marriage for every bad feeling she has. It's almost like it gives me false hope. Anyone else experience this?
Than there is the way my W avoids going anywhere near a church. Now, for a few years now we haven't been an every Sunday family but she would never miss Easter and Christmas, now she gets angry if I suggest we go as a family even on Easter Sunday! What is that about? Is it guilt? Is it a way to push herself away from me? Her parents didn't go to church at all when she was young. She always wanted our kids and even herself to have more of this type of thing in her and their lives, now she runs the other way. I do know her father makes fun of church going people and wouldn't have even had her baptised if not for her mother. Another way to impress him?
I don't know, maybe the stress and pain is just getting to me more right now. Maybe I need to just accept that I had a bit of my old W back, even if just for a short time yesterday and be grateful for that. Stop thinking about why and just do what I need to do for ME but holidays like yesterday are hard.
Hye Matt, Your latest post reminded me of my family's last significant outing. We were separated in house last december and my w's cousin (who I am very close to) invited us to see an Olympic qualifying event for bobsledding. Awesome opportunity as I was full on in rescue mode and allowimg my MLC wife to call all the shots. She drove in a storm to the event and we had a great day. She and I interacted little, but we had a nice day and her cousin gave me some great encouragement as their r was bouncing back from a rocky stretch. They almost split, but they both worked at the problems and were in a much better place.
I now realize that we were not there. I had hoped that her interaction with her cousin's wife that day would lead to some sensibility and help get her to recommit to our family. Did not happen.
They are not in their right mind...I think they truly believe this is our fault, or at least there is no hope for change.
The hardest part is that now we know we need to change and why, but they are done...at least for now. I have started to tell friends and relatives who are concerned that I will be in a better relationship someday, either with current w or someone else.
You are a good person, one who cares for his family and wants to make things better. Doesn't always make sleeping at night easier (I still pop up at 2:30 every morning unless I go to bed at 12:30) but it is the truth- my truth and hopefully yours too...
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
I am do sorry. I had the same feeling that it is probably our last Easter. I don't know how many times I have heard I am divorcing you in the ladt six months. Everyone says he is bluffing, but he seems serious.
It is true everything is our fault in their minds. It seems like they ate projecting on us. I believed it was my fault until I was blamed for the bad childhood - I met him in our late 20s.
Yours is like mine where family knows and is on my side. They think my h is crazy. I used to get the mixed signals all the time. Now I get stay away from me and I am selfish.
I am do sorry and we all feel your pain. Come and post often. Keep your chin up, she is the one being a maroon
Thanks nyk and scooby. How is it they can be so cold one min. and look to us the next when they want something for themselves? Tonight my W had to go help her mom with her grandmother who they just moved into an assisted living facilty. My wife is a therapist at a rehab and works with people going through what her GM is now. She sat and talked to me for an hour telling me all the details, then talked more about how she has meetings at work and what she thinks she needs to do and how the other women feel and on and on about her. Not once did she ask about me or my day or my work but was just going on and asking what I thought of this or that. How can she not understand that the world isn't just about her and her problems? I'm not allowed to touch her, am the cause for all her problems and the reason she's not only unhappy now but has been for "years" but here she is going on and on. So, who is she going to talk to when she leaves. When she gets what she wants and is "on her own" who is she going to tell about her day and ask advice from?
She is so all about her and even told me if we were ever to reconnet, chances are VERY slim but IF it ever were to happen, she would have to take it very slow. I guess because she see's the changes but is so invested in ME being the cause of her problems she has convinced herself I must be faking being a caring husband even after she has told me she is leaving that she has to protect HERSELF from ME! Some nerve there from the woman who told me that "everyone hurts their kids, the'll get over it". Yes, we may hurt our kids but I don't know many people who do it knowingly! This from a woman who had to be a stay at home mother for 14 years and I had to work to make it happen!
Ugg! I wish there was a way to make them see just how wrong they are. What a fantasy!
Matt, our W’s are searching for meaning and purpose. We have to let them go to find it. Holding on won’t keep them with us, but can easily push them farther away. Hoping they see they are doing wrong doesn’t work either, and doesn’t help us. It causes us pain and keeps us stuck.
Please accept your W for where she is right now. Yes, it will be all about her for a while, and tough on you. Are you up for this? Are you ok with being a friend who she can talk to who you won’t be able to touch? If you can do this, it might keep her from running away from you, while still giving her a chance to figure out that you and the M weren’t the main problem after all. (ON HER OWN! Don't try to tell her or have anyone else tell her, it doesn't work like that.)
I the beginning, my W talked a lot about D and running away. That was two years ago. It's been well over a year since she's said anything about that, and it seems unlikely she will leave our home. We get along well and talk every day. I give her space and created a home setting where she could feel comfortable. She is free to do her own thing, or engage with me… her choice. We still have a long ways to go, but it really does get so much easier when you let her go, and accept where things are at the moment.
Oh, and most importantly, figure out a way to enjoy each day!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I was getting ready to respond to your posts...lo and behold! FY pops in with his post. He's said all I wanted to say earlier. So there's nothing to add here.
The only thing I would add is to treat W like a roommate who comes and goes. You just share a house, food, bills, and engage in chit chat about this and that with her.
