25 -there are times when I am almost certain that you may be the best friend that I have that I have never met in my life. Your perspective and ability to back me slightly of ledge has been transformational and key to me "growing up" in this process. I love ya.
I guess I'll answer some of your questions first:
25: "Back way off. And btw, what if anything have you specifically TOLD her, since the OM bomb was dropped? What does she know of how you feel?"
Nothing. I have told her nothing. I have not spoken to her at all for over a week now. I do not responded to the 2-3 texts that she has sent (I'll discuss those later) and she called me last night and I just let it go to VM. I truly do not want to interact with her at this point unless it is something of VITAL importance with regard to S. She has known that an OM in front of S would be a big deal with me....I am guessing that is why she waited all of this time to tell me in front of a C. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not so I am taking ALL points of view here, but I don't want to talk to her at all -- I, for now, am speaking with my silence. Is that right or wrong?
25: "She has NOT forgotten this^^^...it may be buried under her inability to forgive, which is enmeshed with her own self esteem problems...but it will resurface in time. And if not, well...so what? So what if she never recalls things the way you do?"
Ultimately, there is nothing that TRULY happens if she recalls things differently. I think that there is still part of me that is seeking validation from her (I know....I know....) that I was on some level a decent H. Not in ALL things, but is SOME things. I look for validation that the years we spent together weren't awful -- which she seems to cling to now. That makes me "outwardly directed" and I know that is bad. I am still seeking her validation. I am just now coming to realize that.
25: "Plus, what may also be true is, she has a problem getting past things, communicating like an adult, instead of silently seething, with perhaps a long fuse but a big bomb at the end of it. That has not changed so, you are perhaps better off for now, letting her learn some lessons with OM and not twisting your heart for now."
Seething, long fuse, huge bomb. Yep -- that is pretty much it. She said in C that she has "forgiven" me...and herself. But I honestly wonder what that means to her. Or if it's just something to say.
25:"Point is, who cares if SHE does not grow and work on herself? How does that affect YOU? It does not."
It affects me to the extent that I hope that her working on herself will result in things improving for all of us. That said, it's a pipe dream at this point. I know that.
25: "Crimson, this too shall pass. But I know it hurts and I'm so sorry. I still see this as a possible step towards each other. Only b/c I think so highly of you I cannot imagine ANY OM comparing well to you...but it may take your son to reveal that about him, or to your w, or whatever. We can hope OM is kind to your son. Kind enough for your son to not dread his "mom time" and that maybe son could learn to see someone like that as a kindly uncle. The more affirmations we get from adults, the better. However, I KNOW you will never be replaced. Crimson, please hear what I'm saying. Your son will never ever forget who you are."
Lot of meat here. I hope, to some degree, that you are right about this maybe being a possible step towards each other....but my heart is kind of out of it right now, and that is probably the way it should be by now. Like I said, I don't even want to talk to her or lay eyes on her if I don't have to.
Maybe YOU can't see any OM comparing well to me - but I think that is because even through this virtual format you have taken the time to get to know me, who I was, who I am becoming and where my heart, intentions and motives sincerely are. Dare I say you TRUST me. She does not. She has not taken the time to know and believe in who I have become and what I have learned on the road to get here. SOOOO....I think she will see any OM that does not have my old behaviors...that compliments her a lot....holds her hand everywhere......will not think twice about having a baby with her.....she would see THAT guy as way better than me, probably not even worth comparing to me. Because, at the end of the day, it's someone that ISN'T me...at all. I guess that is what gnaws at me....I have gone to the nth mile to fix my side of the railroad tracks and be the man she needed all along that I failed to see....and in the end, she finds it elsewhere and never sees me as any different than the day she left. OR is so filled with resentment that she just doesn't want too.
What do you mean by "it may take your son to reveal that about him"?
So with regard to communication - the IC appointment was a week ago yesterday. Since then, I have basically gone mute. This past Saturday she texted me to tell me that she was going to send pictures of S at an Easter Egg hunt, but he fell on the sidewalk and banged up his knees and couldn't participate - so she couldn't get pictures. Typically, I would have replied - she knows that. I said nothing. That Sunday she dropped him off at the house around 5PM. I gave him a big hug, but didn't engage her at all. I honestly don't think I addressed her. But was cheerful and interactive with S during the exchange.
Yesterday she texted me and said "you are more than welcome to come to his swimming lesson...he needs all the encouragement he can get....he still is afraid to put his head under the water :/". I did not reply....I did not attend. Then around 7 last night my phone rang and it was her. I let it go to voicemail....it was her and S leaving a message about his swimming lesson but it was kind of garbled. An hour or so later she texted to say that S tried calling to tell me that he went under the water at his lesson. Still, I did not reply. Honestly - I really don't want to engage her right now. And, for the record, going this dark for this long is not typical -- and she knows that. I always reply....always.
So I guess my question, 25, and others....is that the wrong thing to do? I told her during C that I need time and distance to get her out of my head and heart after she dropped the OM bomb. Which is true....but she will probably see it as revenge....punitive...silent treatment (which would support a lot of her claims about me in our M). And, guys, I am not sure if there is part of me that isn't withdrawing at least *partly* for those reasons...but I know most of it is just to protect my heart for now. And, again, I really have nothing more to say to her at this point.
......because even though I am hurting and sad, I don't want her to see me as angry, bitter and vengeful.....I want her to see happily 100% disconnected from her....even if I am faking it for now.
If she claims your S wants to talk to you, you pick up the phone and you talk to HIM! Suffer through whatever VERY brief (you make it so) small talk you may have to endure with her to get your S on the line. DO NOT assume she is trying to use him to manipulate you into a convo with her; be the best dad you can be, and that includes being with your S...at all costs. Even as my D is nearing finality...being the best father is the only thing I can hang my hat on now.
So I guess my question, 25, and others....is that the wrong thing to do? I told her during C that I need time and distance to get her out of my head and heart after she dropped the OM bomb. Which is true....but she will probably see it as revenge....punitive...silent treatment (which would support a lot of her claims about me in our M). And, guys, I am not sure if there is part of me that isn't withdrawing at least *partly* for those reasons...but I know most of it is just to protect my heart for now. And, again, I really have nothing more to say to her at this point.
Crimson today I was talking to my brother...an ex drug user and he told me somthing very important: when we are in withdrawal doubts come to our minds so we can slip back to the drug, life its not gonna end in 2 days or weeks or months, so relax and dont rush, if she wants to be with somebody she will, that doesnt make you bad, just realize that we are not created to multitask, we need to take care of one important thing at a time. For now, focus on yourself, improve yourself and detach, you cant focus on the R untill your mind its clear and that requires you taking time for yourself, after that happens you can take care of other things, but remember first always comes you, the other people comes always second after that
Dont worry about the effect of you going dark, you are showing her that at this point you dont want her to play her games or cake eat while she is with OM, work on yourself, detach from that toxic environment and later down the road she might change the approach..
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
You can always talk to your S, when he is at home or after she calls, you callback and ask happily to talk to your S, thats it. At this point for you its not necessary to talk to her.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Sorry Crimson if I came off as harsh as I haven't replied to any of your other posts, though I have followed. You've really changed a lot...for the better...and it's her loss right now. I sympathize, and probably wouldn't want to talk with my STBXW if I were in your shoes either. But if my boys wanted to talk, I would swallow my pride here.
No, I get it HH. And I think if I was a little further down the road on this whole deal I would have handled it differently. I would never, ever deliberately shut out my son for anything....ever. And it pained me last night not to soak in the enthusiasm he may have had. It is just so "fresh" right now I really need to drop a wall for awhile. I will ask him all about it when I see him next and let him show me when our pool is warm enough. Without speaking to her, or being cruel or hateful or saying mean things - she needs to know that I need to back away damn near 100% and that for right now I am not "OK" with everything. I need to handle me for awhile.
Still, you did make a point and I hope that I did not make my son think dad was not there for him.
YE -- I agree, I really can't focus on any aspect of our R until I am OK. And, truthfully, I think I have either deliberately or subconsciuosly put her happiness and her happiness with me in front of my own for a long time.
GM - I am sure the day will come when I will do just that - call back and ask to just talk to him. But right now, I seriously don't even care to hear her voice or go through her for anything at all. Maybe I am being passive aggressive, but she needs to clearly understand that things are no longer the same. I am sure I will articulate that to her at some point....but I am not there yet. If I tell her "you won't be hearing from us unless S asks to talk to you" it will most likely be viewed as a jab. For now, I am OK just ignoring her. It may not be like this forever but as the song goes, I'm not ready to make nice. Not yet.
GM - I am sure the day will come when I will do just that - call back and ask to just talk to him. But right now, I seriously don't even care to hear her voice or go through her for anything at all. Maybe I am being passive aggressive, but she needs to clearly understand that things are no longer the same. I am sure I will articulate that to her at some point....but I am not there yet. If I tell her "you won't be hearing from us unless S asks to talk to you" it will most likely be viewed as a jab. For now, I am OK just ignoring her. It may not be like this forever but as the song goes, I'm not ready to make nice. Not yet.
Thats fine Crimson dont worry, allow yourself to feel any way you feel, I think you are doing great
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
GM - thanks. My plan is to inundate my son with love and attention when I have him so that he can never question if dad wants to be around him or invest in him emotionally. Hopefully that message will carry over with him when he is with his mother.
