Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

I probably am judgmental. I remember I had very strong views about not dating single mums and then I married one. I'm sure I could find more examples over time.

I am reading solely self-help type stuff when it comes to books (I'm not much of a bookworm) but I do a tonne of reading from websites everyday, particularly following sport and news.

[Barrybran]

I probably am judgmental. I remember I had very strong views about not dating single mums and then I married one. I'm sure I could find more examples over time.

I am reading solely self-help type stuff when it comes to books (I'm not much of a bookworm) but I do a tonne of reading from websites everyday, particularly following sport and news.

[Mach1]

One last thing about this.....

Take the "probably" out of the equation....

For the below reason...

Great personal change can only happen when you are at the bottom of your bucket.....at your low. Excuses and expectations keep you from getting to the bottom as they are nothing more than illusions of your perception. Remove the excuses and illusions......accept the truths of who you are now....and start working towards who you want to become.

You either are, or you aren't....

Probably, is the gray area that allows you to have excuses.

Accept it, if it is truth, and find out WHY you are that way...

And until you kill the root, the weeds will grow....

[ericmsant2]

Barrybran

I think the list that you outlined below are great qualities that you should strive for.

Good listener
Reliable
Good communicator
Faithful
Patient
Trustworthy
Fair
Loyal
Calm

One of the things that I believe Mach was pointing out could be applied to all of these….

You have come up with a list of qualities..for each of these….I would suggest by writing down (when you have time – don’t rush) what they mean to you and how or what actions you see as positive in these. For example: define reliable. How do you define reliable? What would someone that is reliable look like to YOU?

Get what I mean?

[Barrybran]

I only said "probably" judgmental because I don't know. I don't consider myself to be judgmental but a strong theme in my threads is that how I see myself isn't necessarily how others see myself. To use your weed analogy, I have no idea about plants so what I think it a nice grass/plant may in fact be a weed that needs killing. In terms of judgment, I feel that I have certain standards, which I feel are a good thing, that may be either be misinterpreted by other people or, and I'm starting to think this could be more likely, not exercised constructively by myself. I thought I was a good listener; turns out I'm not. Does that make sense?

Journaling:

My wife got home from work last night and took the kids over to family friends, where they'll be staying the weekend. I've been working on finding a balance between doing too much housework and not enough and our house was quite messy last night. When my wife came home she tidied up the kitchen and was quite loud, as though she was in a huff about something. I was playing video games in the same room and tried my best to ignore her and to act as if everything was fine. It doesn't feel right to just leave things for her and it doesn't feel right to just leave her be but I did anyway.

I won't see much of her over the weekend as she's working today, I'm working until 8:30pm tonight, I'm working from 7am tomorrow and she's going out of town for the day tomorrow. I finish work at midday tomorrow so I'll have the house to myself to relax and hopefully get some more of the shed clear in preparation of setting up my home gym.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

It feels good to be digging deeper into my own issues. I still have a lot of confidence that my wife and I can work things out as it's not about a lack of chemistry but knowing what each other likes and dislikes and how to treat each other. It is still tough to deal with those things not in my control though.

Last night, I finished work and came home and the house was empty. I went to bed at about 11pm and my wife hadn't returned home. I don't feel sad so much now but I do still feel uncomfortable when she's not around. I woke this morning at 5:30am to find she still hadn't been home. My mind wandered and I went to and fro thinking what ifs and killing them. I went to work and I was fine.

My wife went out of town today to do some shopping for herself and the kids. She sent me a message while I was at work gloating about the kids' stuff. I said it sounds like she'd done well and that the kids would love their new stuff. I had a short day today so I've come home and my wife still hasn't been home so she's gone out of town from wherever she stayed the night. She called a while ago to ask if I needed anything from the town she was in but the things I need are clothes, etc and only I can really get them.

Things like this do highlight the importance of not mindreading. I'm getting better at stopping the thoughts but I still find it tough not having them in the first place. I know my wife doesn't love me or much like me right now but she still thinks of me by sending me messages about what she's bought the kids and asking if I need anything too.

This afternoon I'll continue with some yard work, head out and do some shopping and then I'll have some downtime and try to think about the questions I've been posed.

[Barrybran]

Barrybran

I think the list that you outlined below are great qualities that you should strive for.

Good listener
Reliable
Good communicator
Faithful
Patient
Trustworthy
Fair
Loyal
Calm

One of the things that I believe Mach was pointing out could be applied to all of these….

You have come up with a list of qualities..for each of these….I would suggest by writing down (when you have time – don’t rush) what they mean to you and how or what actions you see as positive in these. For example: define reliable. How do you define reliable? What would someone that is reliable look like to YOU?

Get what I mean?

I had a go at defining each quality. I did this relatively quickly but I did it when I was calm and relaxed and on my own rather than trying to force answers.

Reliable
- To me, someone who is reliable would be someone I can call upon to help me with things. They may not always be available but I know that when they aren’t, they have a genuine reason and they will endeavour to be available in the future.

Good listener
- I feel a good listener is someone who makes eye contact, doesn’t look around the room and isn’t doing anything distracting such as fiddling with their fingers or playing with their phone. I feel that when someone is listening to you, you have a connection with them.

Good communicator
- A good communicator to me is someone who is clear and concise, polite, uses the appropriate volume and tone of voice for the situation and most importantly, knows what they want to say.

Faithful
- Someone who is faithful, to me, is someone who doesn’t cheat on someone important to them: a spouse, a friend, a family member.

Patient
- I feel someone who is patient is someone who can ride through a lot of nonsense and respond to a situation calmly, articulately, sensitively and fairly.

Trustworthy
- Someone who deserves the trust of another person. They can give their word to someone, is believed and their actions support their words.

Fair
- Someone who weighs up a situation and delivers an outcome that is beneficial to all parties while achieving specific goals.

Loyal
- Someone who is loyal is someone who fights for and defends their friends and family and remains faithful to them.

Calm
- I feel that someone who is calm is someone who does not allow themselves to be easily excited or aroused in a stressful situation and can exercise patience where required.

[Barrybran]

Day 1 of trying to remain calm with the kids. It's only 8:30am and I feel like I'm going to have an aneurysm. I think Daddy is going to have a few time outs today *facepalm*

[Barrybran]

Question:

My wife has pointed out that I'm not as good a listener as I thought I was and I've been working on improving. I've always felt that her communication is poor as well. In my mind, she brings something up, it's half-discussed and it doesn't come up again until there is a problem. The problem revolves around her thinking an issue has been sorted and me thinking it has not.

Two instances occurred over the weekend that I would like some advice about:

1) My wife and I planned to have our kids stay at home this weekend. My boss asked me to take her shifts so I discussed it with my wife, we agreed that the kids would stay with family friends for the weekend and I asked the lady if she would like to have them. The family friends are like grandparents to our children, our children stay with them nearly every weekend and the response I got was that they didn't know the kids weren't staying with them. I relayed this information to my wife and I heard nothing in return from either the family friend or my wife and I let the issue be. As darkness came, my kids hadn't been returned home and my wife said "I thought you discussed this with [the family friend]" and I told her that I thought my wife had sorted it out. I didn't tell her that I thought my wife had sorted it because my wife hadn't responded to my message last week; I left it; and

2) Last week my wife needed to book her car in for a service. I arranged the service and told her the date. She was worried about money and I told her not to worry, that I had enough funds to cover the service if she couldn't afford it. Time came and went and she never mentioned using my money and I bought a home gym in the meantime and now don't have enough money to cover the service on her car. I told her this morning that I had dropped the car off and that I would be in later today to collect her bank card to pay for the service. She said she thought I was paying for it and I told her that it was discussed but never decided upon.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to improve the communication with my wife. Forget marriage, relationship, etc right now. At the very least we are living in the same house and parents to the same kids. We are on vastly different pages though, I am working my arse off to be a better listener and person and I am becoming increasingly frustrated that it's all on me to improve two-way communication. I don't expect her to change but I feel I need to express my frustration to her so she knows where I stand and can make her own decision whether to take my feelings on board or disregard them. I can see how the car situation was misunderstood on both sides but the kids/work thing was clear as day and both instances have arisen because I've placed the ball in her court and she's not done anything with it but thought she has.

Any advice on how I approach this?

[Barrybran]

Scratch that request. The car was ready so I went to collect my wife's bank card and collected the car for her. She asked about the service and the cost, which was paid for with her new credit card. She said she told me last week that she wasn't able to afford the service and I responded that I had not been asked to pay for the service (I only offered to do so). I kept it short and left.

I feel very strongly that communication between my wife and I needs to be addressed. I can see it becoming a boundary at some point, perhaps even leading one of us to frustration and moving out. I sincerely hope she chooses to discuss the issue as I'm not prepared to live with a WAS who hates me and does not want to communicate with me about the kids and day-to-day things. If that's what's going to happen, I'm going to start making decisions without her so I know what's going on and I don't think that is fair or necessary. Anyway, I sent her this:

Hi

I feel that we’re misunderstanding each other quite a bit and I’d like to address it. Regardless of our relationship status, we share the same house and kids and we have to communicate. I am working hard at listening and communicating and I will make mistakes from time to time. I feel confused by some situations between us though.

When you went to the dentist you said you needed my help and that you’d pay me back. You were explicit in your request for assistance and I was ready to help even though you didn’t need it in the end. I felt confident that I understood you and was in a position to help you out.

A couple of weeks ago you told me that the car rego was due. I asked if you would like me to book the car in and you said yes. I understood this clearly, booked the car in and wrote the date down for you. You did say that you worried about not being able to afford it and I did say that I had enough money to cover it if you needed it and not to stress about it.

As the week passed, you received your wages and a new credit card in the mail. No mention was made of needing money for the car service. As we are handling our own finances, I believed you had it covered and my money was available for any use, which I used to add to savings, buy food and a home gym that will be arriving next week. Since you expressed that you would have trouble paying for the service, I understand that you felt you could rely on me to cover the cost and I am sorry that I wasn’t able to do so. I felt confused this morning when you said you thought I was paying for the service as I wasn’t explicitly asked to do so and keeping that money aside would have been no more than an assumption of your needs.

I would like to know your feelings on the above situation. As I mentioned, we communicate regularly and I would like that communication to be productive for both of us. In the meantime, I will transfer money back from my savings account so it is available for the green slip and registration if you need it.

Not exactly DBing but as I said, I'm not spending another 40-50 years in a marriage with poor communication, another 15 years as a co-parent with poor communication or another 3-12 months as a housemate with poor communication, whatever the case may be.

Please feel free to critique this as I would love to learn how to communicate with my wife better.