Yeah I agree with you Sandi I know that there is something behind this but I haven't worked it out yet. I intend to continue with LRT and not let her manipulate me. I am slowly beginning to detach and if I'm honest today probably didn't help me with that. I have a theory that the OM is over for a visit home this coming weekend. This Saturday coming is her night with the boys and she asked me today if I had plans and could I swap? I didn't give her an answer because although I have something in mind it isn't certain yet that I will be doing it so I told her I would get back to her. If he is coming over then its likely thats the reason for all of this, however, she has asked me to swap many times over the months and knows I normally agree anyway so she wouldn't need to go to all of that trouble to ask me so I'm not sure. Got to stop over thinking things I suppose, If my plans come together for Saturday I am going to say no anyway. In fact I should probably say no either way.
So Sandi Should I refuse all suggestions of time together? I'm really torn here as its a difficult time with the Easter break coming up and the boys are looking forward to it and we always made a big deal of Easter and went on many day trips and made the most of our time off work. It basically means we will be doing separate things with them which leaves me without them at certain key times over the holidays which will really get to me as I hate being apart from them. I really need some clear guidance on this as I really am struggling to know what to do for the best.
Your head was clear until you spent the day as a family. Now you are confused again and thinking about Easter.
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I'm really torn here as its a difficult time with the Easter break coming up and the boys are looking forward to it and we always made a big deal of Easter and went on many day trips and made the most of our time off work.
But that was in the past. That was when you had a healthy M. You do not have one now. ( You may have one in the future if you play your cards right. ) In the meantime, If you try to do the same things as you did before she became a wayward wife, it won't work. If you use your kids as an excuse to continue these activities, it still won't work. And that is what you are doing........using them for your excuse and saying you don t want to disappoint them. I see this happen all the time with LBH'S. But why would she try to change her mind if she can have family and vacation like always? What has she lost? NOTHING!
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It basically means we will be doing separate things with them which leaves me without them at certain key times over the holidays which will really get to me as I hate being apart from them
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More excuses. If you get D you will be doing things separately and giving up time with the boys.
Bottom line is you can't go both directions at the same time! If you are in LRT.......then you have to stick with it. You can't play one big happy family on weekends and go back to LRT weekdays and expect her to change her mind. Before this past weekend, you were talking about being detached. You sure aren't detached and won't be as long you find some reason to be with her.
But, this is your life......not mine. I am just here trying to help you. I am giving as clear guide lines as I know how. It is up to you to decide if you want to see them or not. Sometimes, a newcomer just searches from post to post asking advice from other members until he finds one that will tell him what he wants to hear. I'm not that person, as you see. I tell you how it is.
The LRT can work, but it takes time and consistency. She will have to try her different tricks and see they won't change your direction. When she faces what she has lost due to waywardness, and if she wants to R, then she will get serious about it. But she hasn't reached that place yet.
This is not her reaching out. This her crooking her finger.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know you are right I guess I really have to man up and start making some difficult but right choices. I make the mistake of thinking that if I am Mr Nice Guy she will see the error of her ways. I know that she lies and manipulates to suit herself and I know that whenever she suggests something I wrongly see it as some sort of breakthrough when in fact it is just her cake eating. I also know that she will be at a complete loose end over the easter break if we don't do something together as most of her family live far away apart from her dad who will probably go away for the break. So thats why she has suggested doing things together as otherwise she will be on her own. I have family and friends that I can spend time with over the break when I don't have the boys so it won't be so bad apart from missing them. But is it really about making her realise what she has lost? Is it really as simple as that? I need to understand how that would have such an effect. My W is very stubborn, might she not just see it as me just being an a....ole?
Stop caring about what she thinks. She's left and broken her word. Care about what YOU think. Move away from her. She doesn't deserve you right now. Hang in there. We're with you.
You can't make her realize anything. You can have influence. But there is a difference between manipulating and influencing another person. You shouldn't do anything as a way of punishing her for her decisions. If she thinks you are trying to control, judge, punish, guilt. etc., it won't be a successful outcome. However, if you do what you need in order to detach and protect yourself, and you don't give her the advantages of being M to you while she chooses to be wayward....she will figure out what she has lost and you won't have to point it out. What you "think" would be the main loss to her.....may not be what tips the scale. My loss was not what my H probably thought would be what really woke me up.
Your job is to stick to the plan you have chosen until you are convinced she wants to reconcile the M. In order to do that, you have to keep your head as clear as possible, detach emotionally, protect yourself, and know your objective. You let things hit her without your protection or rescue.
Whenever she comes to you with the excuses of doing things for the boys, just remember that it confuses them when they get these mixed messages. Don't let her guilt you into things she wants.
Reconciling for the WAS seems to be slow and painful. That is why we tell the LBS that it takes a lot of time. And the more cake the WAS eats, the longer it seems to take them wanting to go back into the M all the way. Btw, in case she should ever suggest she moves back to house and stay in a separate bedroom, do not accept it. A WAW will sometimes do that when finances are difficult for her, or she's lonely, etc. But bottom line is she's not ready to be his W in all ways. She just wants more cake!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi that makes a lot of sense to me now. I do have a dilemma now though. I have agreed ( based on how well yesterday went)to maybe doing something on one of the Easter days together. Nothing is set in stone and no arrangments made but it has been agreed in principle. So how do I cancel that without looking like some indecisive fool. I had considered saying the following and would appreciate your thoughts.
'We had a really good day with the boys yesterday and it was good to be able to spend time in your company without getting into a conversation about us. But I don't think it really helped either of us, considering that you are determined our marriage is over. All it did was remind me of what I am losing and I need to try to move on with my life. Also I think it sends mixed messages to the boys as it makes them think that perhaps we might be getting back together.So I don't think spending time together over Easter is a good idea, you can spend time with the boys on your own and I will do the same. I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from'
How does that sound, is it even necessary to explain myself? I just don't want to come across as being weak etc so give me your thoughts
I think you could say something shorter and where you dont explain yourself neither you judge her...
Something in the lines of : Cant meet eastern, I have another plans.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Since you've made the offer, I would recommend you stick to it. Make it a memorable time with your sons. Leave an impression that gets your W thinking again. Of course you're not doing it for her benefit but for yours.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So you think I should go ahead and spend a day with her and the boys again? I'm just concerned that she is cake eating. Also, dilemma number two for me right now I mentioned that she had asked me to have the boys this Saturday night, which is her night and that I had a theory that the OM is home on a visit this weekend. Well she hasn't spoke about it since Sunday but I'm sure she'll ask again, I am going to refuse as I do have plans although I could still have the boys as I am just having a friend come up for the night. I am going to tell her we are going out. But it will be a worry that she might put the boys to bed and then invite the OM around to hers.My eldest gets regular night terrrors and he might get up in the night and if OM is there it will freak him out.He is already struggling with our split as it is and it's only the stability of him being at home that has settled him.He doesn't even like sleeping at hers. I don't want OM near my boys, its not as if he will ever feature in their lives, in fact if my theory is correct and he is over it may well be his last visit for quite a long time. I think she plans it as a last farewell. I could be completely wrong but its going to be a worry for me.
