Trying to stay patient- part 2

[Tarheel]

So after W was basically MIA all weekend (didn't stay at the house) she finally came back last night.

I can't recall how exactly the conversation began, but she started giving me the sob story of having everything to lose should we D. How she has no money, low paying job, etc. She could take child support, but that means I wouldn't have enough $ to stay in the house. Her biggest priority is the kids staying in the house until they graduate. Her moving into a 1 bedroom apt means she couldn't keep the kids over and couldn't take the animals with her. I told her that a month ago I stated that I couldn't continue doing this and that I hadn't seen any progress either way in our relationship. Therefore, I had opened up a separate checking account for my pay and would transfer a certain % into our shared account for bills. She should do the same. She protested against the % amounts and I said we could discuss further or evaluate after giving it a try.

I also told her that as long as she was in a relationship with OM, I didn't want her staying at the house. She initially talked about taking the kids certain nights, but then later said I couldn't kick her out. I agreed and said that I just didn't feel comfortable with her at the house, but that was her decision. So we'll see if she comes back this Thurs. I also said that as long as she was in contact with him, I couldn't be her friend. I was tired of the lying and deception. I couldn't keep allowing her to come back to the house to play family while carrying on an A. She replied that it wasn't about him as much as it was about us. I asked if that was the case, then what does she have to lose by giving us a shot?

The biggest thing I got from our conversation is how lost she feels right now. She feels that she has no options because she can't afford to D. I knew that was the main reason she hadn't taken any action, but last night was the first time she showed emotion and cried since this whole thing began. She doesn't want to be the bad guy and she doesn't want to put the kids through it, but right now she doesn't feel like she wants to try and work on us. Our conversation wasn't heated as much as it was sad. She realizes that the kids see her as the WAParent, but she doesn't want to give them the false impression by staying at the house all week. Her parents D when she was younger and there was a lot of throwing under the bus. They still don't get a long. W doesn't want that to happen to us.

I know I strayed from DBing, but I reached my limit of how much I could accept. I felt it was time for me to take a stand for what I want and believe in. The biggest challenge going forward will be to stick to my guns. As much as I'd love to send her flowers or write her a love letter to cheer her up, I know that's not the right thing to do. It was hard to watch her break down and not feel like I needed to 'rescue' her like I always have.

[sandi2]

Why on earth do you think standing up for yourself and protecting you & the kids goes against DBing?!? How many posts have you received where we were encouraging you do that very thing? I'm glad to see you finally telling these things.

The only part if would have deleted was when you asked her what she had to lose by giving the M a another shot.

The biggest thing I got from our conversation is how lost she feels right now. She feels that she has no options because she can't afford to D. I knew that was the main reason she hadn't taken any action, but last night was the first time she showed emotion and cried since this whole thing began. She doesn't want to be the bad guy and she doesn't want to put the kids through it, but right now she doesn't feel like she wants to try and work on us. Our conversation wasn't heated as much as it was sad.

You've just described every WAW out there. She wants her freedom with no money worries. She wants to go & come to see the kids when it's convenient with her. She wants access to your home to do whatever she pleases. She wants you to listen to her vent, and be her friend. But.....she doesn't want to be the bad guy in the eyes of her children!

Be strong and don't let your love & compassion cloud your decisions. From what I have learned, the WAW in an A has to crash before she will deal with reality. She has just got her own place. (And why the heck are you supporting her if the kids live with you????).
She is crying over the lack of money, and how the kids may feel toward her (which she's hoping you will smooth things over with them so she isn't seen as the bad guy). This is her first sign of a little burn.

Your job is not to rescue her, and I'm concerned you will want to badly. You have to let her suffer due to her own bad decisions. If you don't, and if you try to make everything better for her....you will be going through this whole ordeal again.

You are doing better. Don't backslide from your hard work.

[Tarheel]

Thanks Sandi, I guess I felt that I went against DBing with some of the R talk I got into. I 2x4'ed myself and didn't post the whole conversation here.

W is planning on picking up the kids tonight and taking them to dinner (according to S14). I'm going to time my grocery trip up with when she's picking them up to avoid seeing her. I haven't spoken with her since our conversation, but it didn't appear that she had packed any more clothes than she normally does when she leaves the house. So as far as I know, she'll be back on Thursday.

I would love to know how the conversation went with her friends- 'Tarheel doesn't want me to stay at the house because I'm having an A!' I can't imagine she'd get much sympathy from that, but I'm also sure that's not how she would word it. Part of me feels betrayed though knowing her friends (a couple who are like family to me) know about what she had been doing. Not that I expected them to call me up and let me know, but it still hurts. I can only hope that they've given her a 'real world' picture of what life would be like.

Oh well, I feel good about my decision to speak up and will continue to GAL and spend time with my kids!

[zew]

Tarheel, you've done well. As for this:

I would love to know how the conversation went with her friends- 'Tarheel doesn't want me to stay at the house because I'm having an A!' I can't imagine she'd get much sympathy from that, but I'm also sure that's not how she would word it.

You are correct. She won't word it like that. She'll say: "H is being a real prick and mean to me and I don't know why." And her friends will say "There, there, poor baby. That mean old H. You should just D him. You've had enough."

I can only hope that they've given her a 'real world' picture of what life would be like.

Unlikely. Any of the friends that told her about the 'real world' have dropped off her list. She'll go where she gets sympathy.

[Tarheel]

Unlikely. Any of the friends that told her about the 'real world' have dropped off her list. She'll go where she gets sympathy.

Exactly. MIL and I talked briefly when she was in town and she said W never talks with her about it. Before DB, I spoke with a couple of her friends who I've known for years and they said the same. W does spend a lot of time with 1 of the girls she works with, who I don't know as well. She's in the same circle as OM, so I'm sure her advice is to be happy (aka= be with OM, he's such a great guy!) Needless to say, I'm not too fond of her.

[Bunches]

I agree with Zew. Likely anybody that faces her with reality is no longer talked to. My W avoids FIL now just because he shared his opnion. Try not to think about it. It can't do you any good or help your sitch even if you did know what was being said. She could tell people you turn into a giant purple monster and what would knowing help?

[zew]

I'm sure her advice is to be happy (aka= be with OM, he's such a great guy!) Needless to say, I'm not too fond of her.

In my case, my wife tells her BFF everything. Her BFF came to visit us 18 years ago, and 4 hours after meeting me for the first time, told W "I don't think he's that into you." W told me that after BFF left.

Now, of course, 18 years and two kids later, the two of them think it was a premonition.

BFF is now finalizing her third D at age 44. Now she could just have bad luck, or maybe she has some issues that she hasn't faced yet. She is W's main source of advice. And it was BFF who suggested the trakfone to talk to OM, etc. etc. etc. I know that anything I say to W gets distorted to BFF, then the BFF who never liked me suggests counteraction.

So, my message from all this is that you should expect W to malign anything you do or say in the worst possible way.

It was this that taught me to detach.
You cannot change it, you know it isn't true, so you must not let it affect you.

[paul19510]

All good stuff tarheal. Keep on going.

[Tarheel]

So W took the kids for dinner the other night. I purposely planned on being gone when she picked them up. She text me her plans and then called, but I didn't respond or answer. She then dropped them off later and came into the house for a minute. She mentioned D9's homework, I responded 'ok' and she left. I have no desire to engage in conversation with her right now.

Yesterday W worked a double shift and I could tell she had stopped by the house in between. A few things...

*She packed another bag of clothes, however I think it's for her trip to visit her mother next Tues
*I took down a couple pics in the house of her and I the other day, including one from our 10 yr Anniversary party. I know she at least noticed that one as it's pretty good size and is in our room.
*Her engagement ring was gone. Wedding band has been MIA for a few mos now. I can't imagine she took them to sell, but at this point can I put anything past her??
*Years ago, W received the book The Love Dare and wanted me to do it with her. Stupidly, I just made fun of it. Well, I got it out the other night and in the appendix, there's a few pages on why it's wrong to follow your heart- often leads to making poor decisions. It was something I thought W should read. Anyways, I marked the page and put the book on the top of the dresser. It appeared that she had at least opened it to that page as the bookmark was out of place. Hopefully she read it. I also made the mistake of leaving my binder/journal with all my notes from books I've read. It was set to a page of 'next steps' we'd need to take to D that I made up a few mos ago in frustration. Hopefully she didn't open it.

Went to a friends for a few hrs last night. Got home and as I was headed to bed, received an email from W. The first part was asking about seeing the kids as much as possible this weekend. She wants to pick them up today after school, take them to eat, then to a school play. They would sleep over at her friends, then play the rest of the weekend by ear, but most likely stay til Sun afternoon. The second part of the email is below...

'I know you are hurting and pissed at me, but you had told me that we would still communicate regarding the kids. I have always been sincere when I said that we will always be family. Also- I want you to know for whatever it's worth that I have only a very limited and strict friendship with OM. I have made that VERY clear to him. I know you don't believe this- But, this is not about him or anyone else but you and I. Especially me. I need to be alone and rediscover what it is that makes me happy in life. Number 1 is the kids.'

Thoughts? Do I respond? I need to at least respond with S11's coaches info so she can let him know he won't be at practice tonight, but do I even address the 2nd part of the email or just let it go? The pre-DB me would have responded with snarky comments regarding her definition of family and friendship : )

[Upwards]

Some fantastic advice from Sandi & others, need you guys to pop in my thread now & again lol!

Tarheel sorry your in this situation

I cut contact completely with my H to protect myself, it wasn't to shock him or force him into a decision with OW it was to protect myself emotionally as I was really struggling with things & I was allowing it to consume me. I knew when I set this boundary that I HAD to stick to it, he was cake-eating to perfection & the only way I could see to stopping it as well as protecting myself was by doing the NC.

This is my boundary for ME and nothing to do with H/OW, its because I need to do it for myself. Please make sure you think really hard about putting a boundary like this in place because the absolute worst thing you can do is set it then go back on it because that will show her your not serious - please make sure you are detached enough & feeling strong enough to follow through if you need to.

Keep it up, your doing great.

Thoughts? Do I respond? I need to at least respond with S11's coaches info so she can let him know he won't be at practice tonight, but do I even address the 2nd part of the email or just let it go? The pre-DB me would have responded with snarky comments regarding her definition of family and friendship : )

If it was me i'd respond to the stuff about your kids and not the rest, there is no response needed to that.