I have the DR book and have started to read it. Sandi suggested I jump to the LRT section first because of where things are at which I have. I am really struggling to detach and would really appreciate some help with that. I think about her every day and weekends are the hardest as I know she is out and most likely meeting other guys, its so hard. How long does it take for this to feel better? Especially as I lived for her and the boys it feels like my world has been ripped apart. Nothing really makes sense without her and I hate feeling like that. Is DR going to help even if she is gone and may never be coming back? I'm going through so many different sets of emotions right now it's hard to clarify what I am really feeling anymore.
Out of the blue she has sent me the following text
'Did the boys lie on for you this morning? Have a look at what nights you want me to have them over the Easter holidays. I'm sure you could be doing with a lie in. Do you want to do something with them as a family Easter Sunday, Monday or Tuesday?'
So all of a sudden she wants to do something as a family, not sure how to handle this. I think it would be good for the boys but not sure how we will be with eachother??
That is how many WAW's in an A will do. They want their separate life from H & kids, but then they want to eat cake now and then and play like a family. But she chose to divide the family.
IMO, you should pass. One, b/c you are struggling to detach. And two, b/c she needs to realize these things come to a halt when you D. At this critical stage, it is important to stick to a tougher side of love b/c if anything you do will influence her, it will be her seeing you confidently moving forward without her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok now things are getting strange She came round today to see the boys and actually had a conversation with me, small talk really but the first time she has done that for a while. Then she asked me what my plans were tomorrow as she wanted to see them. I said I hadn't any plans yet as I hadn't thought about it yet but may take them out somewhere for the day. She then asked if we could do something together??? Normally she doesn't want to be near me and this is just weird. I said I would think about it, a while later she said it again and suggested we take them to a town we used to go to regularly as a family which has amusements etc for the boys and said we could spend the day there. Funny enough though today was the first day an ages that I wasn't missing her very much and I'm actually not bothered either way about spending time with her as I am working o my detachment. But she has taken me by surprise here as this is so out of character from how she has been for months so I'm a bit confused.
I suspect she will open her little bag of tricks, so be prepared for anything from her. Right now, she wants to see if she can crook her finger and you will run to her. Of course she is being sure to label it "as a family", but if you will act disinterred in being with her, I think she may try harder to see if you'll cave.
But it does not mean she is ready to reconcile, or even thinking about it. Women are very complex creatures, so don't try to figure it out. Just don't be confused by making something out of her actions, and don't be caught off guard.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am already very suspicious of her behaviour all of the time now. she is acting very strangely now. The place she suggested is quite a drive away which means a full day out there and back. She has been keen to keep contact between us to a minimum so this baffles me. I don't know what to make of it. She has already told the boys we are going so I feel compromised but I am curious as to what is going on. I will now see her quite a bit over the next few days as Mon and Tues are her main days with them. Funnily though I am really starting to detach as I begin to really dislike what she is doing and her manipulation. An interesting few days ahead I'm sure
Well then refuse to be compromises (or manipulated) by her. I would tell her she will have to explain to the boys that she was wrong to give them that answer. And she needs to do in front of you, to be sure they hear it right.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
One thing I figured out early on that really helped me was to enforce the schedule my WAW and I had with our daughter as rigidly as possible. I almost always made sure I had SOMETHING planned with my daughter the times I had her, even if it was just going to the grocery store or the park. This was important, because my WAW went through a phase where she would want to just show up for a few minutes to see my D, then take off again. After the first couple of times that happened and my daughter cried after she left, I knew I had to put a stop to that.
Granted, my daughter was a bit younger than your 2 boys, but it's one thing to walk in and out of your life, quite another to walk in and out of your boys' lives. Make yourself busy with them all the time, and your mind will eventually think about her less and less.
I didn't go back and reread all your posts to see if you have a defined schedule, but I think you need to have one preplanned, even for holidays. You can always tinker with it over time. But it's not fair to your kids if you don't know where they're going to be, because they won't know either and that's not good for them.
When you're not with the boys, always go do something. Even if you just take a long walk (no cost to do that) or go to the gym or try a new restaurant.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
I decided to go ahead with the day out, mainly as the boys were so excited about going I didn't want to disappoint them. Also I was curious to see if we could spend any time together without things going pear shaped. It was a really good day, the boys had a great day and my W and I got on really well. No R talk at all and I felt very relaxed in her company. We took the boys to the fairground and then went for dinner and it just felt like we were still a couple ( minus the affection of course). We arrived back home and she asked the boys had they enjoyed themselves which they of course said yes. She then looked at me and asked me had I enjoyed it and smiled at me, a strange smile that I haven't worked out yet. I said yes and she said it was a lovely day, smiling that smile again. Then she left, she will be back to see the boys tomorrow. So now I am wondering what this is all about, its obvious that we are still able to spend quality time together, it was relaxed and everything felt so natural, so what is going on?? I don't think it has set me back in terms of detachment because I know how volatile things she can be but it has made me wonder what on earth goes on inside her head. She made all the moves to make this day happen,she was pleasant and agreeable with me for the first time in months. Things just seem very strange at the moment.
I decided to go ahead with the day out, mainly as the boys were so excited about going I didn't want to disappoint them
I could have predicted your answer, word for word. And people talk about the WAS having script!
Quote:
So now I am wondering what this is all about, its obvious that we are still able to spend quality time together, it was relaxed and everything felt so natural, so what is going on??
She intended to give you a wonderful day, and now it is working on you just as she knew it would. You are wondering what it all means, and why was she smiling the way she did, etc. And you think it didn't affect your detaching?
Not that you'll do it, but you really need to pull back immediately. She is playing you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
