Just sending some support your way, you're right, it is bizarre - but bizarre is normal for MLC It sounds like he is doing some work on himself though so at least he knows that there is some serious stuff going on inside and he's trying to deal with it. I think your idea to keep working on yourself is all you can do. Let him go figure it out and go on as if he's not coming back. You sound pretty good considering - like you're taking care of you. Keep that up
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thanks for the support- I can use all the kindred spirits available!
I read through some of your sitch- wow what a whirlwind and you are so strong! Sounds like your group was very helpful to you. I might try that too.
We will make it no matter what!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Are you still in the same house and separate bedrooms? God bless you for your patience! What did you do that helped keep things where they are and not lose hope?
Yes, same house sep bedrooms for over two years now. The things I did to help "keep things where they are" (us M, and in the same home) is everything we talk about here... No pressure, give my W space and time, GAL, focus on myself, PMA, etc.
The reality is that any one of our spouses could bail at any time. Sometimes, just knowing that we're not holding on to them is enough to cause them to relax and stay. Let him know that if he wants to go, you won't try to stop him. (you can say it's not what you want, once, and then leave it at that)
To not lose hope we have to look for positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. My W shows love in many ways, even if not romantically... this gives me much hope! Your H is telling you he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. A big positive! He's still a great father, he's still in your home, likely contributing in many ways. All positives.
Look too, at all the pain H is dealing with. He's struggling greatly with these new feelings. Likely in even more pain than you! How could you not have compassion for him?
To be honest, I still sometimes lose hope, and you will too. This is ok. Accept these feelings and realize that they will pass, and you WILL feel hopeful again.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
So I think he's really moving forward with this. He talked yesterday about filling out the financial forms and figuring out a schedule for the kids. Said it shouldn't take long since he filed for D back in Oct. I know I'm mind reading a little but it's like he needs to remove all pressure or option of us in order to work through his issues. ( though he did say he needs to take away all the expectations he is placing on himself to try and connect).
As you said FY there are still a lot of positives. He seems very concerned about me, wants to make sure I'll have people to talk to. He asked if we could go to lunch every couple of weeks and keep talking. Wants us to still go on our family vacation in June ( which I will go to- his sister is getting married and I've known her since she was 8 and am very close to all his family).
So here is where I am at- I still have hope but I am at the point where I am ready to let him go if that's what he needs to do. Last time he moved out it was barely different except where he slept at night. He was still over every day hanging with kids and having dinner, participating in activities on weekends as family , and we still ML. This time if needs to be different. Not because I'm " punishing him" or that I'm doing it to try and get him back, but it needs to be different for me. I feel like he needs to give me his key and move all of his things out, I am going to take down some of the pictures of us and replace them with kids. I think I'm ok going out to lunch or dinner with him but I also plan to schedule activities with my friends and try to get to my boot camp more on weeks he has the kids. I have no interest in dating in the near future- I just plan on working on me. We will be great coparents I know because it is important to both of us but the only joint activities will be when we are attending their tournaments or performances, and maybe large group BBQ/pool parties in the backyard.
I feel a little bit bad doing this b/c he will see it as me protecting myself but that's not where it comes from. Limbo has been incredibly hard but I have done as much work on myself and been as compassionate as I can with some human backsliding of course. ( he has said so as well- says I've been amazing and this is about him needing to work on himself and having to go through the divorce in order to do that).
I feel like I need to move forward as if he's not coming back. But I will also keep an open mind and a cracked door for the opportunity to come back home.
Does this sound terrible b/c I feel like he is going to think I'm trying to "erase" him from my life and I don't want him to feel abandoned.
Any input appreciated.....
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I think you are doing perfectly, daring! You have a plan and sound incredibly strong. I'm impressed!
I wouldn't get too worried about the possibility of D right now. Many spouses say that's what they want but never follow through. One day at a time, eye's on the big picture. But even if it does happen, it doesn't mean you guys can't recommit in the future.
Yes, you do need to let go of him for now. He needs to figure himself out. The good news is he realizes the issues are within him, instead of blaming it all on you or the M.
Have you talked about financials and kids yet? Make sure you protect yourself here.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I feel like I need to move forward as if he's not coming back. But I will also keep an open mind and a cracked door for the opportunity to come back home.
Exactly!
Quote:
Does this sound terrible b/c I feel like he is going to think I'm trying to "erase" him from my life and I don't want him to feel abandoned.
No. He asked for this and you are merely honoring his wishes, so you should not feel bad in the least. He knows it's not what you want and that you're not abandoning him. You are only doing what you need FOR YOU... as is he.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY- I at least feel more able to move forward than when this first happened.
Interesting conversation today. I took off my rings which H noticed. Conversation went like this: H: I feel like there is more you want to say other tag "you're an idiot" Me: I didn't say that. H: not out loud. I'll get the paperwork together Me: ok I'll look at it when you're done H: we have to do it together otherwise we will have to go back and forth with the lawyers. Me: I didn't want this- you can complete the paperwork and then I will look at it with you . H: I'm surprised we can still be ourselves and talk. Me: I'm not going to be ugly. But I have to be realistic that this is likely permanent and I need to move on with my own life. H: maybe we should go to dinner this weekend. Do you want me to leave now and sleep somewhere else. Me: ok I'll see if mom can watch kids for a dinner. You don't have to go anywhere, I can focus on me with or without you around. Plus until we talk to kids it will be confusing for them. I H: ok we will see what happens
Hmmm- really? He sees me talking about moving on and it clearly is bothering him. Maybe I did need to get to a point where I can figure it out with or without him. News from bizarre MLC land is concluded for this segment.... More to come.....
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I feel like I am losing my mind. This is my journal entry this morning. So much positive but so much confusion!!!
Yesterday evening he said- is there anything else we need to talk about? I said I don't think so. I asked if he wanted me to ask my mom to babysit for a dinner. He said yes- and we don't have to talk about any of this A little anger came out and I said " well what are we going to talk about?" Kids? Work? He said sorry we can talk about whatever- you just seem like you need a break from talking about the divorce paperwork. Said he thinks it's important we have dinner periodically so we can stay on same page about kids etc. Then things got deep- I said it's not that I need a break it's just hard, it's not what I want and I have to face reality and move on, create a separate life. He didn't like hearing that reality, he had told his IC that he could see himself dating me in five years but verbalized in this conversation that he realizes that's how the world works. I said he's choosing to end the relationship and so going forward it's about the kids. That bothered him as he has felt so bad about himself over the last few years and thought I only wanted to be with him because he was the father of our kids. I said there's definitely a connection between us, but divorcing changes that. Then he starts talking about all the stuff he's done wrong over the last few years- not supporting me at work through a really horrible time, focusing on his own needs and not giving to me in the ways I needed, and realized that today was the first time in months he asked me about new things at work. He was clearly in pain and being hard on himself and in tears. I felt that he needed to be hugged and so I did. He held on really tight and cried. I told him I wasn't trying to rewrite the ending for him but I have to love him enough to let him go. He said he wants to be loved for him and not just the father of our kids and I said I do love him for him- what he has to do is believe he is worthy of love. He kept holding me and didn't want to let go. Started to talk about ML but I said no that's a boundary right now ( that was a 180 on a previous 180...). He understood. Said thank you for not kicking him out ( though he still has the house he rented previously he's not going there yet). He held me all night long. This is soooooo hard!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Yes this is really difficult stuff daring, but it sounds to me like you did very well. I like that you are showing H the reality of his choices: That if he wants to end the M, (or move out, or whatever) then things between you two will be much different...
Like your boundary on ML.
Please take good care of yourself... eat, exercise and sleep well. Visit friends and family. Find new interests or hobbies to be excited about.
H really doesn't want to lose you, but it may take him a while to figure things out. You can do this!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
It sounds like he is doing some work on himself though so at least he knows that there is some serious stuff going on inside and he's trying to deal with it. I think your idea to keep working on yourself is all you can do. Let him go figure it out and go on as if he's not coming back. You sound pretty good considering - like you're taking care of you. Keep that up