How do you do THIS part...

[swoop]

Things are starting to progress with my divorce. STBXW is truly set into a long term relationship with OM. They just publicly (facebook) celebrated their 1 year anniversary a couple weeks ago, and appear to be very happy with each other. On the flip side, STBXW recently complained to me that she feels sick every morning that she wakes up and just wants this whole divorce thing to be over and done with. It is clearly causing her a lot of stress. We have been apart for a year and 5 months.

Thus far, we have established a decent parenting plan, which gives us 50/50 time with Daughter. "Primary parent" has not been established as of yet. I will be pursuing that diligently, as I do not want STBXW to be able to uproot and relocate Daughter. That would make my parenting time with her nearly impossible. We will be starting the mediation process soon. I am not 100% sure how we will go about that, but I was just given notice that stbxw's lawyer decided to discontinue working with her as of this week. STBXW requests for settlement are fairly reasonable, with the exception of asking for 28K dollars, above and beyond everything else. That is something that I just am not willing to accept. Sure, she can have half of my retirement, half of our dishes, furniture, ext, but 28k is a lot of additional money to ask for, just so she can start her life "fresh". I am not sure how STBXW will proceed without legal representation. Perhaps she will retain a new attorney, but I know that she is very short on funds. She recently applied for D.S.H.S. support....please keep in mind that she only works 9 hours a week, by choice :-/

I have had my ups and downs. I have a close friend that I have been spending a lot of time with. He is a single guy, no kids, but we have a lot of the same interests. It has been a life saver for me to have someone to hang out with and keep my mind off of being lonely and depressed. Loneliness is the number one thing I am struggling with now.

I have begun to openly date. Until recently, I was seeing a nice woman (9 years my junior) on a very casual basis. We saw each other for about 5 months. We spent a good deal of time getting to know each other , mostly through text and email, and it seemed to be working in a positive direction. With our children and busy lives, we were not able to have a lot of face to face time. We managed about 2 date nights a month, which in retrospect was not enough to really establish a relationship. She decided to end it, based on not feeling that "spark". Of course, that rejection hurt as well. But as they say, This too shall pass. Actually, I am over that for the most part, and I actually feel like it helped with my process of detaching from STBXW. I can see that there are other people out there. I am not alone, and I will eventually reconnect with someone special. That has been my focus as of late. I want to get out there, meet people and have some fun. My business is starting to gear up for the season, and I am very busy. I am at a point where I think that just getting this divorce over and done with is in every bodies best interest. I guess that means I have dropped the rope? I am not sure. It still feels crummy, but it seems to make the most sense.

onward and upward, I am starting a new diet this week. I have been getting into cardio and core classes as often as possible. I physically feel good. I had let myself get into horrible shape over the last several years. It feels good to be able to move and have some energy again...haha

[ericmsant2]

"Primary parent" has not been established as of yet. I will be pursuing that diligently, as I do not want STBXW to be able to uproot and relocate Daughter.

Good move on YOUR part. I would not agree to her having “primary”. What I ended up doing is…..having NO primary residence designated AND if W moved outside of my d school that primary defaulted to me. Just an idea you may want to consider.

I am not 100% sure how we will go about that, but I was just given notice that stbxw's lawyer decided to discontinue working with her as of this week.

I would have a list of things that YOU want. For example: 50/50, primary, etc. You should walk into this meeting with a very clear picture of what is NON negotiable and what is.

with the exception of asking for 28K dollars, above and beyond everything else. That is something that I just am not willing to accept.

Just know what you are fighting for…..you could end up spending more than that on legal fees. I am not suggesting that you give it to her…IF you can get her to accept less it may be worth it.

Loneliness is the number one thing I am struggling with now.

Loneliness can sometimes be a good thing too. It allows you to reflect and ALSO feel some of the things that you need to feel. Too much though can be a problem. It is all in the balance SP…all in the balance.

I have begun to openly date.

Personally, I dated while I was getting divorced. I understand why I did; however, I would not recommend it. If you want to date…date yourself….fall in love with SP again. After my divorce and I was single for a while…It was the best time I had. I really enjoyed just “being”….no pressure…no r’s…just me and the kiddos. I loved that time. So just consider it dude…you really do not need to date to be happy and fulfilled.

Keep on focusing on you and your dreams dude.

[swoop]

Thanks for that reply, Eric!

I really like the suggestion about negotiating for no primary residence. My lawyer also suggested that I could give STBXW primary, but have her presumptive right to relocate and legal making decisions stricken out on the divorce decree, essentially making it "joint custody". Washington is goofy in that regard, by not having an option for joint. I don't get it.

Loneliness is a real issue for me. I am struggling with that so badly. I think I have had plenty of time to "reflect", and now it is somewhat holding me back. I have been focusing a lot on what I had and what I lost since BD. It's not good for me anymore, so now I am seeking distraction from it. I realize that is the main force driving me to date, the desire to replace what I once had. I just really miss the company of my wife, (or a someone close), to spend time with. I know that is not necessarily a good thing. I need to work on ways to get around that and be happy by myself.....I did just install new tires on my motorcycle. I guess that's a start!

[ericmsant2]

My lawyer also suggested that I could give STBXW primary, but have her presumptive right to relocate and legal making decisions stricken out on the divorce decree, essentially making it "joint custody".

Does your L feel like primary could not be with you? What do think is best for the kids?

I am seeking distraction from it. I realize that is the main force driving me to date, the desire to replace what I once had. I just really miss the company of my wife, (or a someone close), to spend time with. I know that is not necessarily a good thing. I need to work on ways to get around that and be happy by myself.....

So if you know it is a distraction and know that you need to find a way to be happy by yourself….why do you continue to try and date?

Here is an exercise…..

Write down 10 things that you really would like to do in the next 24 months. They could be small, large, medium size….it could be anything that would make you happy.

[swoop]

My lawyer feels the only way to go about "arguing" for primary household would be to hire a Guardian Ad litem, which will prove spendy with no guarantees. I feel I definitely have a shot at it. I am living in the family home, stable environment, family nearby, good job. STBXW has moved 4 times in less than a year and a half, she is currently living with her boyfriend, his mother with dementia, her care takers (one of which has a criminal record). Her lack of job hours puts her on state support, etc. She is not living in the ideal environment to raise a child. it's not horrible, but it's not comparable to what I am providing either. However, she is the "mother" and Washington tends to lean that way, so it is an iffy proposition. My attorney, feels that simply giving STBXW the "logo" of primary parent, and striking out all of the things that would entail in the decree, is an easier approach.

I should have been clearer, in regards to my "dating". Like I said previously, I casually saw a woman for a period of time, but it was more a texting relationship, with an occasional face to face. In total, over the several months we were together, we only saw each other maybe 10-12 times. I have not been out with anyone since. I am just open to it. I have started to put the feelers out there, but no real prospects yet. To be honest, the dating world seems grim to me. I am focusing on myself as much as possible, but I do feel that I am ready to get back in the game.

[kat727]

How long we're you married? I am curious because when I first got divorced I really needed validation. Then, after a couple of years, I had a rekindled relationship that never really got defined. I was smitten though. I needed to know that I could feel again.

I was married for 19 years. The reality is that I have spent so much time and energy raising the kids, I haven't dated. I am getting there now,feeling good with myself. I wouldn't balk if a great guy came along and I have opened myself up.

Don't go after a band aid relationship. Get comfortable with you. You will also have a new way ofdealingwith your daughter. Those take time. Take it, to get it right.

kat

[swoop]

We had been together for 13 years, married for 10. I am sure that my ego is damaged and that plays into it. I also feel that this is such a drastic change in my daily life, going from a house with child, wife, (friends and family that would often visit), to being in the home solely by myself a lot of the time, has a role as well.....changes

[ericmsant2]

Sucker

My lawyer feels the only way to go about "arguing" for primary household would be to hire a Guardian Ad litem, which will prove spendy with no guarantees. I feel I definitely have a shot at it. I am living in the family home, stable environment, family nearby, good job. STBXW has moved 4 times in less than a year and a half, she is currently living with her boyfriend, his mother with dementia, her care takers (one of which has a criminal record). Her lack of job hours puts her on state support, etc. She is not living in the ideal environment to raise a child. it's not horrible, but it's not comparable to what I am providing either. However, she is the "mother" and Washington tends to lean that way, so it is an iffy proposition. My attorney, feels that simply giving STBXW the "logo" of primary parent, and striking out all of the things that would entail in the decree, is an easier approach.

I would listen to your lawyer as they are much more familiar with the laws in your state. Personally, I would see what other additional clauses (if applicable in your case) could be added to the agreement…like school pick up and drop off is at your house, etc. That said, YOU need to feel comfortable with the choice you make. I understand that it could be expensive and such. IF you feel the kids are better off with YOU….IF YOU FEEL like it truly is in their best interest to be with YOU and to have primary residence with you – then I would still request it and still fight for it.

Write down 10 things that you really would like to do in the next 24 months. They could be small, large, medium size….it could be anything that would make you happy.

I didn’t see the 10 things…..

[AnotherStander]

On the flip side, STBXW recently complained to me that she feels sick every morning that she wakes up and just wants this whole divorce thing to be over and done with.

I think a lot of WAS's think all their problems will go away at D! I doubt it's going to bring her the relief she's expecting.

Thus far, we have established a decent parenting plan, which gives us 50/50 time with Daughter.

That's great news, if you can agree on that then it makes the D process a lot less painful!

"Primary parent" has not been established as of yet. I will be pursuing that diligently, as I do not want STBXW to be able to uproot and relocate Daughter.

This may vary per state when it comes to 50-50 custody, but in my case there is no primary parent in the decree, we're "joint managing conservators." There is a primary residence, but that's not in the decree either, it's designated through the school district.

but I was just given notice that stbxw's lawyer decided to discontinue working with her as of this week.

Interesting. Any idea why that happened?

STBXW requests for settlement are fairly reasonable, with the exception of asking for 28K dollars, above and beyond everything else. That is something that I just am not willing to accept.

When you're going through a D don't think like that, think like this- "is this something a judge is likely to accept?" Because THAT is all that matters, not what you are "willing to accept". What you think is fair and what your W thinks is fair are two different things. The judge will make the determination though. I don't think my final settlement with W was fair to me at all, but W thought it was fair to us both and I wasn't willing to fight for months (and pay a L for months) to dispute it. And at what cost to my health? I was in a great place before W threw the curveball of wanting more money in the 11th hour. Suddenly it was like going through BD all over again- I was stressed, not sleeping well, having trouble focusing at work, etc. So I could have fought it and aged prematurely, LOL! But I chose to give that to her, finish the D and move on with my life and I am really glad I did. I'm not telling you to roll over, I'm just suggesting you think of all these things as you progress towards a final settlement.

Loneliness is the number one thing I am struggling with now.

You might read No More Mister Nice Guy, it really helped me to understand how to address loneliness. The solution to loneliness is to learn to be happy with yourself when you're alone. You can be alone without being lonely. In fact you really should learn to be happy/ content alone BEFORE you start dating, because otherwise you may end up dating for the wrong reasons.

I am at a point where I think that just getting this divorce over and done with is in every bodies best interest. I guess that means I have dropped the rope? I am not sure.

I'd say based on your post history that you're definitely getting there. There used to be a lot of anger and resentment towards W in your posts and that has largely disappeared. That's a sure sign that you're finally letting go.

It still feels crummy, but it seems to make the most sense.

I don't think it'll ever feel "good" for any of us, but sometimes it feels "right". And if it feels right, then proceed without regrets.

[swoop]

I didn’t see the 10 things…..

I am going to work on that list this weekend! :-)