life in a mess

[AndyK]

Mr Bond
You have highlighted a lot of very valid points.
As fo the age gap, yes it appears to be a big issue, but she was the one who pursued me. I am very young looking for my age and at the time we met she pursued me. She set her sights on me and went for it, despite the fact that she was engaged to another guy who she had been with for 3 years and they were planning to get married ( bit of a pattern maybe?)
Yes the gambling was a big issue and a lot for her to deal with. All I can say is that is has been dealt with. And She made a commitment to put it behind uas and move on years ago.
Also she has always been very mature for her age and when her and I got together her closest friend said she wasn't at all surprised that she was with an older man as it was inevitable given her attitude and outlook on life.
As far as me neglecting her needs, I really mean that I probably didn't focus enough on her needs as a woman, attention to the things that matter to her as a wife etc.
But I can assure you I was a very devoted husband and absolutely adored her. In fact most of my friends now say I was too adoring of her and treated her like a princess.
She most definitely called the shots in our home and in our relationship. She made the ultimate decisions as to what we spent money on, where we went on holiday and how we generally lived our lives. I work in a demanding job, she only recently started full time work after years of being part time.
As far as putting her down, well anyone who was witness to our relationship would say she was in charge. We used to have pride in the fact that we almost never argued, that was because she might have got aggressive or confrontational over something and I always calmed it down and walked away. There was a huge imbalance there and it was probably wrong to do that but I have never been the arguing type.
There certainly was a big gap in our levels of intelligence (I hope this doesn't come across as being arrogant) and it is something that is really becoming obvious in what is happening at the moment. My closest friends have said that they wonder what we ever talked about as our interests are different in lots of different areas and she definitely doesn't think in the same depth as I do.
I was attracted to her from the moment I saw her as she is a very attractive girl, she always got lots of attention from guys when we were out but I never expected her to be attracted to me. So I suppose her looks were what done it for me, I was blown away, besotted, and have been ever since.
As far as putting down her ideas..on the contrary, anything she has ever aspired to I have supported, over the past few years there have been several things she wanted to do such as take a college course or join the Fire service etc and I supported and encouraged each and every one, I drove her to her assessmnents to the fire service and helped her with her college application forms and was completely supportive.
I know that on the face of it and because of the age gap it might be construed that I was some sort of father figure but it genuinely wasn't like that, she was very much the head of household.'mummys the boss here'the boys used to say.
I'm going to repeat this again because it was genuinely the case, prior to Dec 14TH ( start of affair) we were a happy, loving couple( not perfect) who got on well, were affectionate with eachother and we had a happy and comfortable life.
I was never meant to find out about this affair, sometimes I wish I hadn't......

[AndyK]

I also need to add
None of our friends and family saw this coming, it absolutely rocked our world to the core.
Her brother, with whom she is very close, expressed that he was in disbelief that this would happen to us, he said if he had been given a list of 10 couples one of which might split up and was asked to choose he would be shocked that we might even be on the list at all.
One of her closest friends said that she just did not see this coming, she knows all about the past and knows my W very well and actually expressed the opinion that she had 'lost the plot' she was just gobsmaked by what has happened and can't seem to understand what is going on in my W head. So much so that she has backed off from her as she struggles to understand her now.
When I am in my W company she seems to be a million miles away, talking to her is like talking to a ghost sometimes as I get the feeling she isn't really engaging, its so hard to explain.

[MrBond]

I honestly can't believe that you can't see how one-sided your "opinion" of your M is. There are always signs. They might have been things you said, things you did, but there is always something. I tried to give you an explanation as to why your W is acting the way she is, but you don't seem to want to believe it. To be honest, you didn't ever imagine that you'd be in this situation did you?

"As fo the age gap, yes it appears to be a big issue, but she was the one who pursued me."

She was 19. She was at an age where she didn't understand what love truly is. In fact, her almost marrying someone she knew when she was 16 shows that.

"I am very young looking for my age and at the time we met she pursued me. She set her sights on me and went for it, despite the fact that she was engaged to another guy who she had been with for 3 years and they were planning to get married ( bit of a pattern maybe?)"

You were in your 30s and your ego was stroked when a teenager went and fell all over herself being infatuated with you.

"Yes the gambling was a big issue and a lot for her to deal with. All I can say is that is has been dealt with."

Pretty one sided on your part.

"And She made a commitment to put it behind uas and move on years ago."

And yet it was brought up again.

"Also she has always been very mature for her age and when her and I got together her closest friend said she wasn't at all surprised that she was with an older man as it was inevitable given her attitude and outlook on life."

She was a teenager.

"As far as me neglecting her needs, I really mean that I probably didn't focus enough on her needs as a woman, attention to the things that matter to her as a wife etc.
But I can assure you I was a very devoted husband and absolutely adored her."

So you're saying that you didn't pay attention to her needs and the things that matter to her as a wife, yet you paint the picture that you were a good husband. A little contradictory don't you think? Being a MAN in a marriage is more than just earning a living to put a roof over her head and food on the table. Feeding the emotional needs of a woman is more important.

"In fact most of my friends now say I was too adoring of her and treated her like a princess."

Sounds a bit like you treated her more like a child as opposed to your mate who is supposed to be your equal.

"She most definitely called the shots in our home and in our relationship. She made the ultimate decisions as to what we spent money on, where we went on holiday and how we generally lived our lives. I work in a demanding job, she only recently started full time work after years of being part time."

But what about the way you talked to and treated her. No one treats their spouse "adoringly" 24/7.

"As far as putting her down, well anyone who was witness to our relationship would say she was in charge. We used to have pride in the fact that we almost never argued, that was because she might have got aggressive or confrontational over something and I always calmed it down and walked away."

There is another word for "aggressive and confrontational" it's called passion. She was probably passionate about something and you "calmed it down" and "walked away" thinking in YOUR mind that it was solved. When in reality, to her they weren't.

"There was a huge imbalance there and it was probably wrong to do that but I have never been the arguing type."

You don't need to argue but there are better ways of dealing with things that acting as if you knew more than her and walking away. That's probably how she perceived it. That you didn't want to listen or couldn't be bothered by her concerns.

"There certainly was a big gap in our levels of intelligence (I hope this doesn't come across as being arrogant) and it is something that is really becoming obvious in what is happening at the moment. My closest friends have said that they wonder what we ever talked about as our interests are different in lots of different areas and she definitely doesn't think in the same depth as I do."

Again, she was a child when you went out with her. How much more "intelligent" do you actually think she could be? Just the fact that you even mention this does show your egotistical nature. In fact, in that one line alone, you managed to diminish her role into one of an interesting plaything as opposed to a spouse.

"I was attracted to her from the moment I saw her as she is a very attractive girl, she always got lots of attention from guys when we were out but I never expected her to be attracted to me. So I suppose her looks were what done it for me, I was blown away, besotted, and have been ever since."

Sorry to say but that sounds a little creepy. I mean, you liked how she looked at 19.

"As far as putting down her ideas..on the contrary, anything she has ever aspired to I have supported, over the past few years there have been several things she wanted to do such as take a college course or join the Fire service etc and I supported and encouraged each and every one, I drove her to her assessmnents to the fire service and helped her with her college application forms and was completely supportive."

I believe you only did the things that you were comfortable at doing. But what if she told you to change in some way? You just said above that you were intellectually her superior, so that makes your actions seem one-sided.

"I know that on the face of it and because of the age gap it might be construed that I was some sort of father figure but it genuinely wasn't like that, she was very much the head of household.'mummys the boss here'the boys used to say."

Her relationship with the children and household is different than the one she shares with you as a H. She was missing that.

"I'm going to repeat this again because it was genuinely the case, prior to Dec 14TH ( start of affair) we were a happy, loving couple( not perfect) who got on well, were affectionate with eachother and we had a happy and comfortable life."

I have to call BS on this one. That is all mindreading and one-sided from YOUR point of view. I bet if we asked her, we would get a different response. There is alot of denial on your part it seems. Just being honest.

[AndyK]

I get that you are trying to make me see that things may have not been exactly as I perceived them to be and I appreciate your honesty.
But it really wasn't 'creepy' as you put it.
She was a very mature 19 year old when we met and our relationship was supported by everyone in our lives as they regarded us as a couple very much in love and happy together.
I have really examined myself over the past few months and tried to understand how this could have happened so suddenly.
in the course of that I have accepted that there were lots of things I wasn't aware of and that I now wish I had paid more attention to.
But I resent your suggestion that I treated her like a child because that simply was not the case.
When I say I neglected her needs it was more a case of not recognising what those needs were, I understand them now since this happened as I have tried to explore what went wrong and realise there were a lot of areas I did badly in.
It is very easy for an outsider looking in to say that a 50 year old and a 32 year old can't work, we questioned this at the very start of our relationship but were so in love we decided we could do it.
The age has only been an issue for her since I turned 50, she has admitted that very clearly, and it is an issue she admits she can't understand considering that we never had issues with it before.
I have spoken at length to friends and have suggested myself that perhaps she feels that she has spent all her teenage/twentysomethinglife in relationships and hasn't fully explored who she is as a person and I have told her myself that I understand her need to do this.
Trust me, this is now not really about me any longer, I get that our marriage looks doomed and I'm just going to have to accept that.
However none of this analysis explains her distancing herself from our children and that is my over-riding concern at the moment.
Also, none of how we were as a couple or the problems that might have been underlying it justify her having an affair, we are all responsible for our own actions and no matter what the issues I do take responsibility for mine however she refuses to do the same regarding this.

[AndyK]

Also
Do you not think I have thought about what you have said already?
I spent weeks and weeks trying to understand why this had happened and ended up making myself ill. I lost 16lbs in just under a month because I wasn't eating as I blamed myself for this. So much so that everyone beagn to tell me to give myself a break.
I have stood back and let her 'do her thing' and been a dad to our two little boys while she has been out dating and having fun. She took herself of to her sisters 500 miles away for 4 days and spoke to the boys for barely 3 minutes on the phone while she was gone.
I put my boys to bed every single night and take them to school every single morning. I get up when they have nightmares and are vomitting at 3am. My eldest takes regular night terrors and is very hard to manage at times but I keep going.
So yes, I wasn't the perfect husband, who can ever claim to be, but I never had the opportunity to address any of the issues she might have had because she decided to sleep with someone else, refused to stop when I asked and then decided to leave me alone with our two sons to go 'find herself'
So sorry if I seem a bit emotional and angry about this but I believe it is justified.

[MrBond]

"She was a very mature 19 year old when we met and our relationship was supported by everyone in our lives as they regarded us as a couple very much in love and happy together."

She may have seemed "mature" but as an older man, you should know that growth and maturity comes with time. She missed out on experiences that normal 20 year olds go through. Go back and look at what you were like in your 20s and what the women were like at that age. They all matured over time.

"I have really examined myself over the past few months and tried to understand how this could have happened so suddenly."

That's what you don't understand. It doesn't happen "suddenly". It's an accumulation of many factors that eventually reach a tipping point. Again, you're only seeing things through your eyes and not your W's.

"in the course of that I have accepted that there were lots of things I wasn't aware of and that I now wish I had paid more attention to."

Yes this wasn't an overnight decision for her.

"But I resent your suggestion that I treated her like a child because that simply was not the case. "

Really? I believe you did say this ... ""There certainly was a big gap in our levels of intelligence (I hope this doesn't come across as being arrogant) and it is something that is really becoming obvious in what is happening at the moment. My closest friends have said that they wonder what we ever talked about as our interests are different in lots of different areas and she definitely doesn't think in the same depth as I do.""

A big part of you is in denial. Until you start understanding that, you aren't going to be able to get your W back.

[AndyK]

Did you read the post straight after that where I admitted blaming myself?
If I'm in denial its because I haven't had anything explained to me. I'm willing to shoulder my part in this but she has yet to explain exactly why she left.
I have accepted that this must have been building up but she showed absolutely no signs of it leading to the BD.
She throws out small irrelevant reasons for why she left, bearing in mind that initially when I discovered the affair she said she knew the difference between love and lust and that she didn't want to end our marriage.
Having a higher level of intelligence than a partner isn't something that I feel would prevent a good relationship.
It was something that we were both aware of but it didn't matter a jot to me. I loved her and still do It doesn't mean at all that I treated her less because of it, it was irrelevant to me and I suppose my friends are bringing it up now to help me try and accept that she has gone and try to help me move on.
I really wish you would get to the point and explain what exactly I need to do here because all I see is criticism of me and some belief that I am in denial.
please explain it to me because I fail to see what the point is.

[MrBond]

"Did you read the post straight after that where I admitted blaming myself?"

Yes I did. And I also read the parts where in the next sentence you belittled your W. I don't think you even realize you do that. I'm getting a clearer idea of your marriage dynamic. Believe me, you're not the only one with the big age difference we've seen on here.

"I really wish you would get to the point and explain what exactly I need to do here"

Have you really read what I've written? I have explained it to you in detail. Let me put it to you this way. First you have to understand where your W is coming from. You keep denying how she feels at this moment, thinking it's a sudden incident. Next, you have to understand that the age issue is a big one. Much of what you wrote was about how you perceived things. No matter what you may think, your W didn't get to go through the things most normal 20 year olds do.

Plus, since you turned 50, she could be saying to herself "wow my H is pretty old" when she sees friends her age married to spouses closer in age to them. Do you LOOK old? Are you in shape? All that counts.

You might think that's trivial, but right now she is trying to "find herself" because she never had a chance to do that when she was younger. Simple as that.

You are looking for a magic bullet or a special piece of advice that will make your W immediately come back to you. It doesn't work that way.

Your personal issues, your seeing her as not your "intellectual equal", your not seeing to her needs all add up to help cause her current decision. It may not seem fair TO YOU but that's how she sees things now.

Your W wants to be free which is something she never got to do when she was younger. You can't keep trying to control that.

What have YOU done to actually change? Have you done things to fix yourself? Right now that's all you can do and take care of your kids. So how have YOU changed? If you don't, then why should she come back to the same situation now that caused her to leave in the first place?

[AndyK]

Ok
I get what you are saying
Here is how I have changed.
I realised after BD that I was very unhelpful in the morning routine with the boys. My first act when we got up would be to grab a coffee and open my laptop to do some work( I work from home) meanwhile she would be sorting the boys out and getting things organised for school etc.
I now realise I should have helped more with that, especially now that I have to do it all alone, it is hard work and I could and should have helped out more.
She had been saying for a while that I had put on a lot of weight and wanted me to lose some. I started a diet in Aug last year but only started the gym in Oct. I have since upped my attendance to 3 times per week, have a strict diet and have lost a total of 46lbs and am toned and in the best shape of my life, she has even acknowledged that saying I look amazing.
I have realised that I didn't spend enough time focusing on her as a woman and regarded her primarily as the mother of our boys, that was wrong, she needed me to pay more attention to her as a woman and that was remiss of me.
I believed we were unbreakable and took our marriage for granted,I realise that, I should have listened when she told me the age thing was an issue and worked on the other things.
I do look young for my age, most people don't believe me when I tell them I am 50 but I obviously left the other things a bit late for her and now she is gone.
I can't begin to explain the pain I am in right now, I miss her desperately and it kills me to know he is dating other guys because there was a time, not so long ago when we were so amazingly close.
But I am continuing to work on myself because I know I must, for me and the boys.
You must understand though, she really has pulled away from them also, that upsets me greatly and I am at a loss as to how to handle that.

[MrBond]

Finally some honesty.

"I can't begin to explain the pain I am in right now, I miss her desperately and it kills me to know he is dating other guys because there was a time, not so long ago when we were so amazingly close."

We all have gone through that. We understand the pain of rejection, agony, the fear, etc. You can work through it.

"But I am continuing to work on myself because I know I must, for me and the boys."

Good. But be sure not to develop a martyr complex. When that happens resentment will set in on your side. It happens all the time.

"You must understand though, she really has pulled away from them also, that upsets me greatly and I am at a loss as to how to handle that."

I understand that. She's doing that because she feels like she needs to be totally "free" to discover herself. You just concentrate on the boys and you. Read the DB/DR as soon as possible. That will give you focus and show you how to write goals.