This, That and The Other

[BrightFuture]

Bug, I’ve been reading along about your journey. What you wrote in your answers to KGirl’s questions so resonate with me.

By the time we got back together, there wasn't really anything to forgive or perhaps I just don't think of it that way. I've thought about this since I read your post yesterday. Forgive? Did I forgive? What did I forgive?

In the 3years-ish we were apart I gained a lot of perspective. I progressed from blaming him for everything, to blaming myself for everything, back to blaming him and then finally realizing we both played pretty equal parts in the breakdown. I suppose I did forgive him in a way but it feels more like I just let it go or I moved beyond it.

He didn't leave me to hurt me, he left to be happy. He was unable to do that living with me.

When I was able to really focus inward and be brutally honest with myself, I could understand why he needed to leave. And he had stayed and he had tried, to his way of thinking.

I could write the same things about my sitch.

We have both apologized to one another as things come up along the way.

It would go the same way with me and H, if we would get back together.

I think there so many similarities in our stories. I don’t think that the subject of MC would come up in my case either. And H has not been dating anyone after almost 2 years since BD.

Was your H looking to date someone and just could not find the right person, or he never wanted to date? If I remember correctly, I think you mentioned he had an EA. I might be wrong. My H is looking for a “harmonious” relationship with somebody, but I guess he hasn’t found one yet.

Bug, I always like reading your updates. Thanks for sharing.

[labug]

I don't know what he thought about dating. It's just not that important to me. It was initially, but as in all things, our feelings change.

We were apart for a long time, if he felt ready and wanted to I'm sure he would have.

He didn't have an EA at least not that I'm aware of. I think we all have fantasies about people.

[SemperFi00]

I was a very harsh judge of myself and when we are extremely critical of ourselves, we are usually just as critical of others.

So in learning to accept me as I am, without judging every little thing, forgiving myself when I'm not perfect, I can extend that same grace to others.

And let the past be the past.

I like this post. Wonder if this is also often paired with "controlling" traits?

[labug]

I like this post. Wonder if this is also often paired with "controlling" traits?

It was for me.

Sitting in judgement of others is the ultimate control, isn't it?

[KGirl]

Thanks, labug, for sharing your thoughts and responding to my questions. I think I still have a lot more thinking and reflection to do.

He didn't leave me to hurt me, he left to be happy. He was unable to do that living with me.

I get that... but it doesn't change the fact, for me, that it still hurt. And right now I feel like I'd need some acknowledgement of that (not a "well, I had to do what I had to do to be happy, it is what it is, I'm not really sorry about it") if we were to move forward. There are so many other ways he could have expressed his unhappiness or communicated with me about what we could do, than skipping right to "I want a D." At least, that's the current story in my mind. I've been in this for so much less time, maybe as time goes on and the initial sting fades, it would be different. My current forgiveness tolerance is a lot lower than yours... maybe it can be bumped up a little

[KGirl]

BTW, I was reading through your older posts - I appreciated how when things started to change this past fall, you linked back to an older post (Nov. 2012, I think?) where you had the convo w/ your H where he was DONE and wanted to get things settled but didn't want to hurt your feelings, etc. Every situation is different but... it gives me hope that things may change with some time and thought.

You've talked about how you and your H didn't interact that often, but yet it was the changes he saw in you that led him "back"... were you actively trying to use those limited times together to show what was different or was it just naturally who you were at that point, but enough was different that he could see it even if you saw each other for 10, 20 minutes? I hope that makes sense, it does in my head but hard to type out. How did you show you've changed when you have limited interaction, I guess, is my question?

[labug]

Thanks, labug, for sharing your thoughts and responding to my questions. I think I still have a lot more thinking and reflection to do.

He didn't leave me to hurt me, he left to be happy. He was unable to do that living with me.

I get that... but it doesn't change the fact, for me, that it still hurt. And right now I feel like I'd need some acknowledgement of that (not a "well, I had to do what I had to do to be happy, it is what it is, I'm not really sorry about it") if we were to move forward. There are so many other ways he could have expressed his unhappiness or communicated with me about what we could do, than skipping right to "I want a D." At least, that's the current story in my mind. I've been in this for so much less time, maybe as time goes on and the initial sting fades, it would be different. My current forgiveness tolerance is a lot lower than yours... maybe it can be bumped up a little

It does hurt, hurts a lot. Did you read my early threads? I spent 6 months going to work, coming home and going to bed. That revealed something I needed to work on. Yes, I was grieving but I was also retelling my inner stories about me being a victim over and over.

I think our work is to figure out how to let go of that hurt, separating who we really are from what we think the action of another leaving us says about us.

What if you never get that from your H? Will that change who you are?

There are so many other ways he could have expressed his unhappiness or communicated with me about what we could do, than skipping right to "I want a D."This is very true and I said it many times in the past.

The fact is, he didn't choose another way and me wishing he had wouldn't change that. The hurt I was holding on to about that was mine to deal with. Over time as I realized we were pretty much 50-50 in the blame department. There are many ways I, too, could have done things differently in our R. I was able to let go of that need for a pound of flesh and forgive, I guess.

Anyone can apologize, it takes much more strength to reflect inward, see where we're lacking and make changes. I saw that in my H and continue to see it. I hope he sees the same in me.

Recognize that today you feel you would want an apology for the hurt you felt and let it go. All feelings change with time.

[labug]

You've talked about how you and your H didn't interact that often, but yet it was the changes he saw in you that led him "back"... were you actively trying to use those limited times together to show what was different or was it just naturally who you were at that point, but enough was different that he could see it even if you saw each other for 10, 20 minutes? I hope that makes sense, it does in my head but hard to type out. How did you show you've changed when you have limited interaction, I guess, is my question?

Of course, in the beginning I was actively working on all my interactions, not just those with him. This was very new territory for me and it was work.

When we make changes from the inside out, they show even in the way we walk, or hold our head or the inflection in our voice. I was no longer "trying," it was me. I was also no longer focused on us being together.

Keep the focus on you, you don't know where you might be led. By being narrowly focused on the outcomes, we miss great opportunities along the way.

[SemperFi00]

I like this post. Wonder if this is also often paired with "controlling" traits?

It was for me.

Sitting in judgement of others is the ultimate control, isn't it?

Yes, I suppose it is. And such a hard habit to break........

Especially when one know what is best! lol

[labug]

:-D You say that in jest, I know but if you're anything like me, there's a strong streak of how you really feel.

I have to shake my head and let go of judging others just about every day. But what I've learned is that I judge in others is most usually something I don't like in me. I can have the tendency to build myself up by tearing others down.

SF, leave your interactions with you W to the side. How are your interactions/relationships with others? Do you have friends who you regularly do things with? (do you judge me for ending a sentence with a preposition? )

Also, think about your spoken and unspoken agreements with W about money. You've brought up the subject of money several times in your thread. It's important to you. How does that inform your Rs?