H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
One small thing I think is notable... My wife mentioned during our conversation that she noticed I had been so cool and calm ever since she dropped the bomb, and she didn't quite know what to make of it.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Well, the rubber band effect seems to continue as my wife alternates between pulling away then coming closer, pulling away, then back, etc. Yesterday I got hugs and requests for massages, today I get barely a hello/goodbye. I try to remain the same no matter what...cool, calm, and consistent.
This morning W mentioned her aunt had offered to fly her and the kids out to Oregon for a week this summer for a "semi"-family reunion. Mostly the women of the family...W's father and brothers etc won't be going (actually don't think W's sister and her family are going either). Still, I've almost always been included in those types of trips, even if it's just to help watch the kids so my wife can enjoy her time with aunts a little more fully. No mention of me going at all...which is to be expected but stung a little bit. I didn't say anything of course. Mentioned that maybe I would try to take a camping trip sometime during that week.
During our lunch a couple days ago W said she had discussed in her IC what the best way to tell the kids about our situation would be... but never indicated she had come up with what exactly that would be. Nor was there any discussion of an actual move-out date, or a firm plan for childcare/custody. W still has the idea of "50/50" for our time with the kids, but no plan of how we would actually make that work. No discussion of the situation since then.
One complaint W shared with me was that if she had her way, our house would have had an open door to her friends and family to come and hang out whenever they wanted, but she felt like she always had to have my permission first. I apologized for that, and told her that moving forward for however much time we were under the same roof together, this was her house too and she had a right to have it operate the way she saw fit. She mentioned that even her brother, who I have a very close relationship with, had said he had kind of felt hesitant to come over sometimes. Apparently he also told her that no matter what, he wanted to maintain his friendship with me and hoped that was ok with her. I ended up calling him (fully disclosed to W) to make sure he knew I love him and apologized to him for ever making him feel like it might not be ok for him to come over and essentially told him the same thing I told W--that as long as we were in this house together he was welcomed to come over any time.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Funny... just dawned on me that all of the aunts W will be going out to visit in Oregon are divorced. W's mom will be the only one there who went through marital strife of her own and decided to stick it out. W's mom actually cheated on her dad for quite some time, but they worked it out and have now been together for 30+ years. It has occurred to me to ask W at some point if she thinks her mom and dad would be better off today if they had gotten divorced...or if W thinks she and her sister/brothers would have been better off. I think her answer would be "no", but I guess it's a question that from the DB perspective I shouldn't even ask.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Ugh... Had a conversation with my FIL this evening that I almost would rather not have had. He asked me over because he wanted to let me know that he knew what was up (obviously since W says she's moving in there), and that he and MIL will be there for the kids. I'm sort of upset they're letting W move in, but kept it to myself. He also let me know that he and MIL love me and hope we can work things out, although he doesn't think that's going to happen. I told him I loved them too, loved their daughter, and pretty much left it at that. I did ask if he knew when she was planning on moving in and he said he had no idea.
W is going to a concert Saturday with a girlfriend, so I'm having the kids stay at the in-laws so I can get some GAL in myself.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
180s that look like pursuit...or like I'm not moving on. How does one handle those? For example, W always complained that I never responded to her texts. So now when she texts I feel like I need to be on it, but how does that fit in with DBing?
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I would do ANYthing to spare the kids the suffering they will experience, but that is beyond my control. That is my greatest regret in all of this.
I control nothing but my own thoughts and behavior.
I am a good person who always has tried to do the right thing, and have always attempted to fix my flaws when brought to my attention.
I am a good person who deserves love.
Drop the rope, detach, and let her float away.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
180s that look like pursuit...or like I'm not moving on. How does one handle those? For example, W always complained that I never responded to her texts. So now when she texts I feel like I need to be on it, but how does that fit in with DBing?
If it was a complaint of hers then I would try and respond in a timely manner if it's anything important. But keep in mind that WAS's look at EVERYTHING the LBS does as "too little too late". You have to stick to your 180's over a long period of time for it to change the WAS's perception of you.
In your OP you mentioned that she felt neglected, have you read the 5 Love Languages?
In your OP you mentioned that she felt neglected, have you read the 5 Love Languages?
I have read the 5LLs. I can't remember what the exact terminology was, but hers is something like Quality Time and mine is Physical Touch/Affection. She's not interested in spending quality together right now, despite the great "date" we had this past weekend (at her suggestion...I think she suggested we go out as an opportunity to talk without the kids around, but we ended up having a great time together).
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Acts of Service was her other LL... I've been keeping those up even though they don't seem in line with DBing because she is still asking for/receiving them graciously.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
