Upwards - Moving Fowards, Tiny Positive Steps

[Upwards]

Just received this email out of the blue from H. Steve was his addictions counsellor when he was in rehab, he's also counselled me as part of the family care. Tam is another counsellor at the centre.

Hi W,

I've had a 2 hour session with Steve and I let go of control I cried a lot, a few things have come up for me so I'm gunna have some counselling with Tam (Steve said he wouldn't do it because he cares for me, I thought it was nice of him to say).

He asked how you are doing. You have every right to be angry with me, I am sincerely sorry for it all.

[artsy]

Well, at the very least it's a start. Has he apologized before, or is this totally new?

[Upwards]

He's not said it like that no, he's said it in general when's he's not had much choice but not about the affair & not that sincerely really.

The main thing that's new is the tears & emotions, he's been struggling with guilt for a long time & withdrew from his friends/family into a safe bubble where he could pretend all was fine (to strangers!) so for him to speak to Steve is big - he's been avoiding him as he knows talking to Steve means facing the real truth & the consequences of his actions, the fact that he's doing that is HUGE progress for my H.

I'm unsure what he means by "things have come up for me" but sure he'll let me know when he's ready to talk. He's started the ball rolling with facing his fears & emotions, that's a big positive and something he's talked about doing for months.

I want to reply but not sure if I should, we are currently VLC/NC but I'm finding it hard not to want to tell him I'm proud of his steps?!

[tough spot]

If he is in the process of an awakening of some sort, I would be hesitant to interfere with that process.......

[Upwards]

Our son is poorly so I had to call H to come down so we can take him docs, he's on the sofa with him now.

I didn't mention the email and so he said "I was crying when you rang" so I asked why & he said "I've been crying lots in the past few days, I've given in & accepted who I am, I've been trying to pretend I'm someone that I'm not & been a horrible person. I'm tired of pretending, I just want to be me again" and teared up - I listened & just replied "I'm really glad". He said he'd seen Steve, that it's really helped him & he feels like a huge burden has been lifted because he's finally been able to ask for help & admit that he's in over his head, he said he's ready for face it now.

I didn't ask any questions or really reply, I just listened. I want him to process it in his own time & sure he'll talk if he wants to.

[Upwards]

He also asked did I want to go away with him?!! So that we can talk without the distractions of life & figure out what's going on... I just laughed and said "maybe!" then went to bed. What's that all about?!!

I think/hope I handled it ok last night? I remained detached but friendly, it came quite naturally - I kinda feel bad for not giving more support tho!! It's taken all of my self control (& more!!) not to contact him today!!!

[ye21]

I didn't ask any questions or really reply, I just listened. I want him to process it in his own time & sure he'll talk if he wants to.

Thats the key, you are doing great, step back and watch from a confi place, this is his road and its extremely important he walks this road himself.

You have been doing great, and it seems that its working, keep doing what it works.

Remember he has to figure it this out by himself and deal with fears that he has inside himself, he wants to go away with you? I think you need to be patient and don't be involved in going away with him, not yet.

He is probably going thrue a lot of emotions, some of those make him feel high so thats why he wants to go away with you, in my opinion he is not ready to have a chat about life with you yet....it requires more time, as an addicted he might be going thrue a emotional withdrawal from you so thats why his ups and downs, let him get a balance first, you will be able to see once he is more balanced

[Upwards]

Thats the key, you are doing great, step back and watch from a confi place, this is his road and its extremely important he walks this road himself.

You have been doing great, and it seems that its working, keep doing what it works.

Thanks, Right now we are NC (except for last night as son was poorly) so he'll have lots of space & I can't really do anything different at the moment. It's for the best right now though as he really needs the space at the mo.

he wants to go away with you? I think you need to be patient and don't be involved in going away with him, not yet.

He didn't mean at the moment, I won't be going anywhere yet - thanks for the concern though, it's something we could do further down the line if/when we both want to, I think he was "testing the water" to see if I'd want to.

[whytry]

Up, I can say my W did the same to me and it did allow me to reflect a little more. I was just beginning to see things for what they really were and ye21 is right we have to work past our own demons per se. Now would I have loved for her to get away...sure. BUT I wasn't ready then and still was fighting inside and holding a lot in. My clarity took minimum 6 months (when my W started DB) until I broke and I know she was trying before then. If he is similar to my sitch, he will have a heavy hearted talk with himself (you'll know when it happens) and the last detail he thinks of will flip the light switch so to speak. I woke up after that day and my whole view of the world was different. Didn't fix my WAS but I began to see myself happy again.

[Upwards]

My clarity took minimum 6 months (when my W started DB) until I broke and I know she was trying before then.

whytry were you the WAS? I'm confused!!
Thanks for sharing your story with me.