not sure how far gone we are...

[sandi2]

Which type of diabetes do you have and how many years have you had it?

My D was diagnosed with very brittle Type I when she was a kid, and it has been a rough road. Now my H has Type 2.... along with other health problems.

My D and H are two of a kind. Neither take care of themselves. It is the most frustrating thing I have ever had to live with. My D is older than you. She is experiencing a lot of pain now b/c of not putting her health as top priority.

So I can kind of see from both your POV and your W's. Were you a diabetic when you met W?

I have learned diabetics are more judged by people (even medical professionals) than any other disease I know about......including aides. At the time my D first got it, the doctor said they knew less about it than all the other diseases. But medical science has come a long way since then.

The nursing staff would say cruel things to my daughter. I was always shocked to see how people in general thought if you were in the hospital....then you did something to "deserve" it. I could write a book about the terrible things that has been said and done to my D over the years. Most of it was out of people's ignorance. I believe the public is getting more knowledgable on the subject......but some just aren't interested until it affects someone close.

Some doctors told my D that depression often kept company with diabetics. And the longer your diabetes is not controlled, the worse the depression.

I tell you these things just to let you know that I understand a little of what you are dealing with. It does affect a MR. It affected our entire family. My D has been M four times b/c the S could not handle the stress she,and the effects of her disease, put on the R. So, yes you need to look at this very seriously!

If your W has never had much physical problems herself, it may be difficult for her to understand your health challenges. But even if she has a compassionate nature, it does get emotionally exhausting when the diabetic will not help himself.

I want to encourage you to really focus on getting help for the depression. IC may help, but realistically, it will call for AD meds. But you've got to do it before you are able to tackle anything else. I won't talk to you about diet and exercise, b/c I'm sure you hear it enough.

Hope you will post every day!

[SeanB]

thanks Sandi!
I have Type 2, and recently went back to the gym as part of my taking care of myself. It's a 180 for sure.
It's been effective as I brought my levels down to almost Pre- Diabetic levels.
I didn't know that depression was linked with diabetes. I fear the nerve damage it may have caused.

I have to be truthful and say my not taking care of myself is part of a larger pattern of my avoidance problems. This depression seems to have sucked alot of 'life' out of me and it became a bad cycle. But I am hopeful IC helps me in that regard. I know that a R can't survive for long when the individuals are unstable. My W and I both have issues we need help with. We were both very honest about that in a recent conversation and she agreed to IC for now. She has alot of confusion over things going on with her.

As far as posting everyday, I would like to, as I blog to myself about everyday. I will do that from now on, it's so helpful to know others are watching and reading and are understanding the process we all are going through.

thank you.

[SeanB]

My W told me in a recent conversation, she initiated R talk and I slipped and fell into it, when she gave me the BD, that she was scared to tell me. she had been abused previously (physical in one R and Mental in another)and her Ex's would have exploded towards her. She was relieved, grateful even that I had responded as i had. I kept a cool demeanor (my nature) and let her talk until she would stop. It was crushing to maintain my composure. I slipped from DR techniques and wished we could work this out. Then I slipped back on track stating that my plan was to work on me. To correct what I have been doing wrong for me...but, and here is my slip, my IC'r would like to work with her individually as opposed to MC. She agreed to it, but I haven't been able to get it scheduled. She seems content on letting me handle it, giving me the impression she may not be truly open to it. But she told she KNOWS she needs help clearing her head. Making sense of feelings and stopping her bad R cycles. So confused, my heart wants to hope that IC will help her see what has gone wrong, but reading DR has my questioning that. I know, for me, my IC is part of my 180. It's about me, and i want to help her too. I suspect it's just my own ATTACHMENT here.

[SeanB]

one question I have for everyone is: should she see the things I am reading? I mean, I didnt show her DR...but I am thinking of buying the 5 love languages. Should she see things like this? I am doing it for me, GAL and 180, but is there a reason she SHOULDN'T see me reading self help books?

[SeanB]

Another evening in the books.
She doesn't seem to avoid me at home as much, but I suspect it is because we have the boys @ home the first few days of the week. she had stated she wanted to keep appearances to them as much as possible. She has stated several times that I am their step father. "That will never change" The boys love me very much. The desperate side of me clings to that.

I keep trying to detach, give her space in the house and let her initiate conversation. The detachment is almost as hard as processing the sadness, panic and heartache over the whole mess.

She keeps bringing up IC for her. I take that as a good sign, but I should only take it at face value. It's hard not to cling to that since she initiated the question multiple times.

I will continue to post updates. I am saving up for a DB session, I need the coaching, but am glad to have the forum in the meantime.

[SeanB]

She informed me yesterday that she was going out tonight and staying at her folks instead of coming home. Obviously she is meeting up with OM. She told me on the DB conversation that she has pushed him back to just " being a friend". It turns out he has R issues as well. They seem to be each other's OM/OW right now.
When she told me about tonight and not coming home, I DB/180 as best I could and responded with a simple " oh, ok". And left it. She followed up with " I just wanted you to know so you didnt worry about me" I thanked her and appreciated her consideration. And didn't say anything further. I have determined I am addicted to watching her Facebook account...I am still too attached to fully let go. I still do it knowing it does no good. I have gotten better, but I still succumb to it during the day. I am fairly decent @ doing 180's around her right now while home or out and about. One of the hardest things right now is that we share so many common evening interests, she invites me to share them with her. I am not quite able to say no right now. I fear not accepting the invite pushes her away or leaves a hurt feeling that she thinks the OM could fill.

Still determined, I love her and our marriage to give up. But I underestimated the emotional toll/fortitude it would require.

[SeanB]

trying a different reply method in case I am not using the correct one...

Pretty uneventful evening as W went 'out' for the night. I was left with step son for the evening and we had a good time. I am sure W went to see OM in some capacity, but I didnt ask or pry when she told me her plans. Her behavior and lack of publicity about her evening on her Facebook page lead me to my conclusion.
i know there's a rule about" not spying", and this has been my biggest struggle...the detachment/disconnect. I struggle with the fear that if I don't protect what connection she has to me, positive connection, that she will permanently close herself to me and open herself to OM. I continue to DB and trying to GAL. The GAL part has been tough,but I keep trying to find ways. Otherwise I am full on 180 all the time while we are both in the house.

Today and yesterday she exhibited new behavior. She interacted with my content on FB for the 1st time since she DB. I took it as a small win, but hate that I can't just kind of close off myself to the whole site.

I keep making posts waiting for response. I realize I am still on moderation, so I hope I will see responses soon. I have really valued what has been said so far and read around the forums constantly to help me cope/plan/strategize.

[SeanB]

We have a family event tonight that I suddenly find myself struggling to pull myself together for. I was given a pretty heart wrenching reminder that I need to focus on myself, as I have forgotten Sandi's rules about spying and "believe nothing you hear and 1/2 of what you see". although in this case it seems opposite. Stupidly, I checked her Facebook account because I had been given a notification of something and saw she changed her picture to one that was her and the OM and changed her last name a little. After she had seemed to reach out to me a little over that medium, she lashes back with those items. It feels like she noticed herself getting closer to me, so she pushed me away harder. I have to reread the LRT portion of DR to see if this is where I am at now. All I know is, this last part really wounded me.

[SeanB]

when do I call her on the things she is doing to apparently lash out at me? How do I 180/DB when she is obviously trying to provoke me? I don't think I am supposed to just sit here and take it am I? This my next big battle. Right now I am resolved and will smile and act as though I am ok. But right now, it might not come off as sincere as today I am wounded.

[SeanB]

Just a quick morning posting.
Last night I had the 180 in full effect for our family event.
We were out to dinner with the sons and their father and step mom. On the drive there, we talked about S13 and his issues but not much else. At dinner, I was upbeat and chipper and even my W shared in some good laughs. It's amazing what the right mindset can do to ease tensions. I try to detach and just be there for the boys to allow her to be free to just enjoy the time with them. I am there for support and to enjoy being a step dad. On the car ride home I remained quiet and only talked about the things she brought up. Once home I continued to 180 myself, as part of truly 180 to get back to, not just who I once was, but a better version of me. Positive, helpful and a stable presence. Pretty much what I had NOT been like for the past year or more.

I look forward to your responses, they help me along this long journey.