One year in but a newbie

[MrBond]

"She feels that she has sacrificed everything for them and that is the thanks she gets. I told her I can understand how she feels."

Don't do that. Don't validate bad behavior. And stop offering suggestions. She just wanted to be heard.

"At some point during our discussion my wife must have realized that her dating was now in the open, that I was aware of it and had not reacted in any way towards it. She tried to explain it to me that she was experimenting with online dating."

Tell her that you already knew and that it's made you rethink things. Leave it at that for her to interpret.

"Is she trying to cake eat?"

She's not trying to cake eat per se, but reality is starting to creep up in her.

[paul19510]

I personally would not want to live with my W again in that way. if you do, you have to forget about any expectations as she seems pretty clear that its a "living arrangement" nothing else.... I dunno. this is difficult.

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks Mr Bond I agree that reality is creeping up for her. She still clings to this idea that she is going to be able to help the girls with college expenses when she can't even put a little money in my oldest account for spending at college or buy her a birthday gift for her 19th birthday.

I agree Paul, it did not sit well with me either. I talked to her today and explained that I saw it as a 7 year commitment as that is how many years before my youngest would be out of college as she is a freshman in high school right now.I told her that that was a long time and I did not feel comfortable with that kind of arrangement. I said I was moving on with my life and would really be unfair to us if we tried to do that. Her response was that it would be a while before the house was finished and sold and we should wait and see where we were at then.

[paul19510]

^^^^don't get me wrong there are people that live with the X. Not me sounds like at the moment she's going in that direction....

[Lifes Twists]

I am not sure if I have seen a small step in a good direction or am I reading too much into it. On Monday evening I had the longest conversation with my W in a long time. We talked for almost 2 hours. The conversation started off about the kids and finances but then she started to point out things that I did or didn't do that had lead her to the decision she made. Up to now she has refused to even tell me anything that I had done wrong. For a year she has refused to tell me anything.

Should I read this as a small positive step?

[unbidden]

Did you validate her feelings?

[Lifes Twists]

Yes, I told her that I understood how she feels and that I am sorry if I was deficient in those areas. I did not argue or try to defend my self.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Everyone

I need some advice on how to proceed.Last night my wife texted me while I was on my way home from work. I could tell from her text that she was extremely upset and frustrated. I stopped over on my way home. We spent the next two hours with her talking and me listening and validating her feelings of frustration. Basically she said she has hit a wall. She admitted that it was much tougher than she thought it would be to go it alone and get our three teenage girls launched into the world. Towards the end of the conversation she thanked me for just listening and not saying "I told you so".

A couple weeks ago she had partially admitted this and had suggested we live together as roomates so we could share expenses. I had told her that I was not comfortable with that.

Friday night we had already scheduled meeting at Starbucks to discuss the kids and financials. Since she had brought up the idea of living together first and all else that is going on do I suggest the possibility of us exploring the possibility of reconciliation as a possible solution?

[Lifes Twists]

I am truly amazed at what my wife will say and what she thinks right now. I am hearing many of the same things others mention, just at a slower pace than I expected.

Last night I met with her to discuss finances concerning our daughters, college and such. A couple weeks ago she had suggested we live as roomates so we could share expenses, though she still wants to be able to to date other people. It was discussed last night again. I explained to her that I did not feel comfortable with that. I explained that I would be will to work on us and see where that went, but that i would not move in together as roomates. She immediately said I was not thinking about our girls and just about myself. She then said I was trying to force her into something she does not want. I responded that I was not doing any such thing but only telling her what I was willing to do. Even if its a set back, I felt I needed to state what I was comfortable with.

She has now started to point out things I am doing and stating that I should have done them years ago. She has commented on my weight loss and what weight she feels I would look good at.

Today she is off on a date to Boston. She has left my youngest home alone. She has said it bothers her to do this, yet she will go and do this. I plan on touching base with my youngest and see if we can do something together. I do sense that my daughters are resenting their mother dating and taking time away from them right now. I won't say anything and let it take its course.

I hope I am handling this correctly

[Lifes Twists]

So has anyone have a spouse want you to move in as roomates to split cost while still wanting to date and when you refuse accuse you of just think about yourself and not the kids?

I told her I would only consider this if we were working on the marriage and she went off and told me Basically I was selfish and not thinking of the kids. Of course she is in dedt on several credit cards and loans she took out after she left me.