W said its over - Said I can't change her mind

[Duds3]

Thanks unbidden. Hard would be an understatement. My biggest struggle is the aspect of her seeing my changes if we have NC. I have not seen her in person for several weeks. I do recall her making a comment the final time we talked in person that she hopes that we can get to the point of dating again, I hope she really meant that.

My changes are going good, and I have a list of 180s I could be doing but I'm not sure how to implement those without living together.

As they say, THE STRUGGLE!

[unbidden]

Well, you won't be NC forever surely and by the time you do communicate again, you will be the H only a fool would leave. You are doing really all you can under the circumstances

[Duds3]

I certainly hope you are right about the NC, unbidden! if only the WAS would see or give themselves a chance to see all the positives that come around the second time. Its like all life experiences, the second time you try something you know what works and doesn't work by learning from past experiences. All the little things that were taking for granted by me and some by her would lead to bigger and better things. From my readings here and from my W said, she/they fear it will get worse not better.

I feel like I know the textbook of a WAW front and back!

[Duds3]

As my journey continues, the mornings and waking up randomly in the middle of the night are the hardest to overcome. the 45 minute drive I make to and from work doesn't help either.

I noticed this morning my W has completely changed her work bio online, there is no mention of me anymore. Its like I'm the worst thing that has ever happened to her and she can't get me out of her mind fast enough.

Detaching is the hardest part for me. GALing is going fine with back to my regular workout routine. We used to workout together all the time which I know my W loved, she never wanted to miss a day.

A question for the vets or anyone out there. Assuming my W makes NC by the end of the month, should I do a temperature check then?

Thanks for the help guys!

I want US to be a success story it hurts!

[ye21]

Ok I will respond to your question here...
IMHO and for a pure logic...I might have no idea of what I am saying hehehe...
The difference between a person who doesnt want to be with you and WAS and MLC its basically that the person who doesnt want to be with you has choose they dont want to be with you...the reasons might be hundreds or only one but they just dont wanna be with you...
A WAS and a MLC are people that because of different factors they dont want to be in the R at that time, pressure of not accomplishing their dreams, depression, illness, adictions, abuse background...many external reasons...including affairs...its basically people confussed in their feelings and some times scared...so that might turn around if the R was good...
Its a matter of a few factors...

When a person doesnt want to be with you, they build their life with you out of the picture....I dont know if you can understand me but its simple...

A MLC and WAS its a bunch of symptoms that move them away from the R, that might change and they might come back after they see the real situation and deal with their feelings...

[Duds3]

Struggling with the detachment part side of things. I have not seen my W in over a month and we have NC. Why is it so hard for me to stop wondering what she is doing? I am not afraid to say I miss her dearly. I like the some of you cant get the knot in my stomach to go away.

I have my first coaching session today. Any suggestions as how to approach the session and get the most out of it?

Over the weekend I had a conversation with one of my friends wife about my situation. Her questions were why did she file so fast? She made mention of her changing her name three days after she moved out the first time. It gave me some new perspective on the situation. Even she said, "it has only been two months, she has not had time to miss you." She said she that may not be the case but it could happen. She stated, "unless she is cold and heartless, something at some point will remind her of you and your relationship and how she handles that could determine a lot. She understood my W throwing old pictures, cards and notes away. She said she used to call them burning parties. She mentioned that is what girls do to justify in their minds what they are doing. I told her the scary part for me is my W is so bull headed and stubborn and has always said when she is done with something she is done. My W's friend has even made mention of her being done with something, she is done. The fact my W told me she was miserable and so over our R does not sit well with me. How my friend was talking was from a married 30 year old female perspective. She gave me exactly what a female looks for, strong, confident, and happy. To not do anything to cause resentment. That in our case D is a piece of paper, that our sitch is different then most in the D is uncontested, we have no kids and nothing to split. As she said this is more like your breaking up with your girlfriend or boyfriend but obviously its a marriage and on a non comparable level.

And of course I have crazy thoughts run thru my head. Why did she change her name back so fast on FB and her work profile? Did she freak out when she couldn't get pregnant? Does the thought of me being 32 and her 26 scare her now? She says she wants to hang out with her friends and family. W is an outgoing person but her friends have established families besides a couple. It almost feels like to me the W is acting like we were married when she was 18 and she didn't get to experience her "college years." I have made my mistakes in the M and I take full responsibility for my 50%. The more I analysis the sitch we had a bad two months, even my W told my sister that back in early January. I think this really comes down to my W wanting to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. She wants to be able to come as she pleases and have no guilt what-so-ever.

I understand our friendship needs to be re-kindled because we were best friends. But my issue remains, how does one get the attention of their W when you have NC and never see each other?

Thanks for the help from all you guys.

If only I could detach myself from the sitch.

[ye21]

I understand our friendship needs to be re-kindled because we were best friends. But my issue remains, how does one get the attention of their W when you have NC and never see each other?

Yesterday I was watching a movie called "the shift" by Wayne Dier and look, something I got from this movie its that we can't control the outcome.
He said something amazing:
We had everything we need it in our first 9 months of life why will be different in the next 90 years? Don't interfere just let the universe take care...

I know thats not what you want to her but at the end my man, its true, no matter what we do, the universe its following its plan. For you and for her.

[ye21]

Hear*

[Duds3]

Journal venting time.

it has been a crazy few days since my last post. The old team that I used to coach won a national championship this past weekend. What an incredible moment and an awesome moment to be apart of. This weekend I will be traveling to campus to continue the celebration!

I recently moved back into my apartment. I had been gone almost a month to avoid some loneliness and the empty feeling of my W being gone. Sometimes its nice to be able to sit in my recliner and relax on my own time.

Had my first DB coaching session last week and was asked some good questions about myself and how to handle future situations. DB coach pointed out she feels my W doesn't really know what she wants, doesn't understand why she rushed the D process but also wants me to know the W is probably hurting as well. That while the W tells me this is the happiest she has been in a couple of months, which my coach said to believe, she has gone thru some changes too. I want my W to be happy and live a fulfilled life but selfishly obviously I want that to be with me. I know when she was the happiest and that was when her and I were on top of the world, my W's words not mine.

This past weekend my sister told me my W tried to add her on Snapchat again. My sister had previously deleted her from Snapchat but my W tried to add her again. the next day my W tried to add my sister again. Its crazy that during the detachment process that something like this makes my emotions go up and down. Why would my W do that?

I am currently looking into some AlAnon groups and setting up some IC sessions. I had seen a MC twice before this belw up to a whole new level.

Looking forward to this weekend! The count down to the Nashville half marathon is fast approaching at the end of the month, so my training is picking up which is a good thing!

Go Cubs!

[Duds3]

I have been doing reading of older posts and current post and I have a question to ask. Sandi2 has touched on this before. My W has filed for D, I have been NC for almost over a month now, have not seen or spoken to my W. Can I ask her for a trail separation or ask her if she would consider this step? Just curious as to some answers.