I'm not sure if he is pro marriage or not. He has helped me by giving me coping mechanisms to deal with the pain. He did advise me to give her the time and space she had asked for. She seemed to have got a out of her session but not in the direction I had joped as it seemed to make her feel better about doing it. he used the phrase to her that we were on "different pages" as I want to save the marriage and right now she doesn't. It frustrates me that she doesn't even want to try but I can't say that to her as its one of the things that used to get her angry
Well, here's I see going to MC. A person, or couple, goes b/c they want help for their M problems....and basically want to save the M, and hopefully, have a better one.
When you have one spouse who is ready to walk out or has said they want a D, it makes things much more complicated, regarding counseling. If one spouse wants to save the M and the other doesn't, the only reason the walk-away S will even attend one session is either to give LBS final announcement of impending D, or be able to tell friends & family they even tried counseling and it didn't help, or like your W.....seek validation for leaving the M.
I believe it is very, very difficult to try to counsel a person who is unwilling to listen or cooperate. If you have to drag your S to the sessions, they don't want to be there b/c they don't care about saving the M.
You, however, could get individual counseling, if you feel that it is helping "you".
But if you and W decide to reconcile, "then" the two of you should attend, b/c you will definitely need the guidance of how to piece it back together. And, she should be willing to go by then.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The thing is she is willing to go. Mainly as she said she needs to talk about how she is feeling. she was meant to attend a few on her own first and then we would decide if we could go together but he suggested that we attend together for this one to decide on what exactly his role will be and some ground rules etc. then she will attend on her own for a few or we can alternate. I was thinking of asking to see him in advance first to establish what exactly his aim is but I am wary that this might be viewed as manipulation by my W and I don't want that to happen
The thing is SAYING she is willing to go, and actually MEANING it, are two different things. Mine went...her idea...her setup...but it wasn't really solution-based. There was so much rehashing of the old issues that I believe it may have helped justify her reasons for leaving. So she did.
Well she actually seems enthusiatic about going. Normally she avoids having sustained contact with me unless necessary but she says she needs the therapy. But as long as he keeps validating her need to do this things won't change. I arrived home from my trip today and she didn't rush straight out the door. She stayed for a short time explaining all that the boys had been up to. Then she asked me how my trip was etc, unusual but I just briefly told her that it was fine, no detail. I did thank her for having the boys, not sure if this was the right thing to do but I want to make her see that this is my home and the boys live with me and almost make her realise that she is a guest, if that makes sense.
I am concern about the direction of this C. If he is not solution based and pro-M, he could encourage her to do whatever to make herself happy.
I feel like she wants to tell you some things......in front of the C, thinking she will have his support. But IDK. Maybe she really wants IC and he made a good impression.
Just don't put all your hope in this C. Especially until you know more about him. Could you look him up on line and see if it tells anything about his technique or approach?
If you don't find anything, maybe you could try setting up a short phone session to get some answers.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have found his profile on LinkedIn Not sure if it would be prudent to contact via that route as it might compromise his position and mine. I don't want to come across as controlling in this whole thing. He has Gretchen Rubin as one of his influences. She is author of The Happiness Projct but I'm not sure if that means anything. He seems to have a broad range of experience in counselling not just in relationship counselling. So it would appear he isn't a specialist in MC. Would it be wrong of me to contact him via LinkedIn?
I suppose you could try it, and if you get no response, then call the office and set up a phone conference with him. You are paying him for his professional guidance, so it is your right to know some basic information. And since you encouraged your W to see him, why can't you ask him if he is going to support a R or just counsel her for her issues, or what. I don't think he will give you any answers to those questions. She is now considered his patient too, and he won't discuss her with you. But you can ask him, "Since you are wanting to see both me and my W, maybe I need to know if you are a solution based, pro-M counselor". If he gives you some flip answer about letting him handle that end of things, then I believe you need to look elsewhere. B/c if he is what you are looking for, he shouldn't hesitate to tell you he is will work to give you both solutions and he is pro-marriage.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok things have now become complicated. I discovered that she has been seeing a few people casually. One of them is married and I know him,I know he was at her apartment this week and I challenged her about it saying she is on the verge of ruining her life by messing around with married guys. She said she knows what she is doing and that she isn't involved with him, apparently he was getting flirtatious with her and she needed to put him straight. She said it had to be done face to face which is why he was at her apartment..Bulls..t. I'm sure his wife wouldn't think it was ok for him to be there and anything she needed to say could have been done by phone or text very easily. She is acting like a crazy woman at the moment, the OM who started all of this will be over for a flying visit to see his family within the next few weeks and she admitted he had been in touch with her so they will probably hook up. I made the mistake of getting into a conversation with her about her behaviour and our relationship etc ( totally against LRT in know) But I think its probably too late for us anyway. She has removed herself completely. not only from our relationship but from her children also which shocks me, how can a loving and devoted mother chnage so dramtically in such a short time. I'm not sure that MC on Wednesday is even worth it as it is bound to go pear shaped so I am at a loss now as to my next step.
