Take Two ...

[Train]

What I WANT to say is:

I'm going to have to work 2 jobs.
Our S7 is going to have to go to public school and likely after-school after having been raised in the comfort of our home and family for almost 8 years.
Our D2 is going to have to spend most hours of her days in day care after never leaving the comfort of her home.
DD16 and DD17 are talking about changing their college plans to be able to stay here and help me support D2 and S7.
I'm going to stop paying mortgage payments and wait for our house to go into foreclosure and our family to be evicted just so I can squirrel away enough money to pay future monthly shortfalls or emergency expenses.

But, yeah. You left ME. Not the kids.

I want to hit something.

[HopefulStill]

Waywards almost always blame others, usually the LBS, for every problem and conflict that they face. In this case, you are being blamed not only for his having to leave you, but for him being away from his kids. You probably also caused global warming, gas prices to rise, and the Malaysian jet to disappear. You are not alone in having a wayward spouse saying hurtful, ridiculous things to them that everyone BUT the wayward sees as crazy.

Likely, the OW is feeling the heat on her end too. She's probably applying pressure on him to leave you, perhaps even criticizing the way in which he interacts with you. He doesn't want to put any blame on himself or her, so you get ALL of it. That's why I suggest avoiding any interactions with your H. By interacting in this "tit for tat" way, you're making things worse. Let he and his OW have only each other to complain to.

Do you think they have thought through what life will feel like for them when they are both paying child support and spousal support? When they have to split their time between two sets of children? They have no idea how pinched they will be for time and income. They will have no money left to go out and have romantic trips and dinners. Real life would hit them square in the face. That's pressure....

Stay clear and let the two of them unravel themselves. By pointing out to your husband that he caused this you aren't helping things along- you are just making him dislike you more. Leave him with a NICE picture of you. Stop the needling!

Stay focused! What are you doing to GAL?

HS

[Train]

I am definitely seeing exactly where you're coming from. No interactions between us is obviously the *only* viable tool I have to hang onto any string of hope that our family might eventually be put back together. But more importantly, it's the only viable tool I have to hang onto my SANITY.

My BIGGEST problem, HS, is that I cannot. keep. my. freaking. mouth. shut. I KNOW this is a problem of mine. When somebody says something that is just flat-out factually wrong, or utterly absurd and ridiculous, I just can't walk away from it. I never HAVE been able to.

So, yes. No interactions. No texts. No anything.

H is still working all the time, so I'm *assuming* that his and OW's R is still mostly texting. (I wonder how things are playing out between her and her H, too. I don't think she's still living at her home.) I only know the texts I saw right after BD - only about one day's worth - but I'm sure the content of H and OW's texts has changed drastically since then. I mean, I could be wrong. But I don't see them exchanging loads of cozy texts anymore about happy kids and, um, their favorite positions ... and how H needs her to tell him when she's about to O so he can "increase his efforts." (If it didn't make me sick, I'd probably laugh.) But I'm sure she's there for him, soothing his ego as he talks about what a b!tch I am and how I'm trying to "keep his kids from him." (And, as an aside, I DO wonder - if their R is mostly only texting with an occasional roll in the hay - how speedy this R will meet its demise. H has been talking about getting his own place as soon as financial support is determined. Perhaps that will hasten things along.)

So, yes. I need to stop giving him reasons to complain. Even if his complaints are absurd and ridiculous. And flat-out factually wrong.

Ya know, that comment last night from him flew all over me because my D16 and D17's dad has said that SAME thing to them their entire lives: "I didn't leave you; I left your mom." But yet he has NOTHING to do with them. How does even the craziest of minds make that make sense? So when H said it, it felt like a kick in my gut; luckily, I didn't respond how I *wanted* to (the above post).

Ahhhhh ... GAL. What am I doing? This week has been the worst week yet, and I don't know which came first: the chicken or the egg. I haven't done much. Friends have been busy. I was able to enjoy some outdoor time with the kids this week since the weather has been nice. Tonight, I have plans to meet a couple friends and hang out by the lake. I've been invited to a spiritual belly-dancing class tomorrow, and I'm seriously considering that. I was invited to go watch an old friend's band play Saturday night. And I've been invited to go shoot big guns on Sunday. I'm thankful that so many of my friend's calendars cleared ... all at the same time. But this is the perfect time for me to stay busy, so I'm glad I have some activities from which to pick and choose this weekend.

God and the Universe are taking mighty good care of me. I just need to stop and relax and know that. And stay in the present.

[owl777]

Get a DB coach today. The coach will help you with exactly what to say and when to keep the mouth shut. I know. It'll help you. Sometimes silence and real changes in behaviors gets more attention than being the drill sergeant and telling the spouse off, even if he deserves it. Let go and let God. You can do it. I know.

[Train]

I think I'll wager my bets on just staying entirely quiet.

At the L's office now. Got here early just so I wouldn't have to see H's face when he picks up the kids.

Y'all send me positive ju-ju. I'm a ball of nerves again.

[HopefulStill]

Train,

The good news is that you have a plan. Keeping your H out of your daily life should lead to less stress for you over time than having him calling, texting and showing up. It should help you maintain the love that you still hold for him (it would degrade significantly if you dealt with him frequently) and it will leave him with a positive impression of you, rather than the person you would become after he "abused" you daily with his words and treatment of you.

Don't expect results overnight. His A will have to run its course, which could be a couple of months, or a couple of years. I'd wager it will end on the shorter end of that scale, but my crystal ball is at the cleaners....

How'd it go with the L?

HS

[Train]

Hey, HS! Thanks for checking in!

I know you're right. I think there's maybe a part of me that WANTS him to make withdrawals from the ol' Love Bank ... so all this, ever so slowly, would be easier and less painful to deal with.

But I feel SO much better when I'm not seeing/hearing from him. Today's been nice.

It's looking less and less like H and I will be able to work together, through our mutual friend who is a L. H proposed a substantially lower amount of child support/alimony than we know the courts would provide. He's trying to hide income from his second job, though he's maintained two jobs for at least two years. I feel pretty good about our standing in that regard. What I'm pitching is quite a bit less than I'm getting from him now, but I'm looking at some gigs to help fill in the gaps. My mom, bless her, has even offered to be a roommate. Not sure how I feel about that. BUT, it would free me up to stay home with the kids and not have to worry about daycare expenses ... or S7's broken heart about going to "real" school. But that's if I get what I want. If I take much of a hit, my plan will have to change some.

As for visitation, H is dead-set on having the kids a THIRD evening a week. I'm sticking to my guns on that one. Told L to stipulate in the visitation agreement that I will not consider that until he ends his A. He can't be waltzing into our lives three days a week while our family is still devastated from his A, which he continues, even if only mostly via texting. Two days a week is plenty. L, a little surprisingly, agreed with me. It's either an afternoon a week and all day Sunday or an afternoon a week and every-other weekend. He can pick from those two. But this is the life he wanted. He needs to go live it. And feel it.

I found out OH and OW are apparently still living under the same roof. I CANNOT imagine how awkward that would be. OW has admitted to the A in a recording, apparently also insisting it's over (horsesh!t) ... and - ahem - L has a piece of evidence that could likely physically prove the A ... by use of a black light ... and DNA testing. Hurl.

It knocked me down for a minute. Just like that feeling one gets when s/he "snoops" - which I have not done since the hotel night. (And I won't do it again.) But I stood up, brushed it off and am making jokes about it in my mind now just to ease the sting.

L just told me to tell H or his L to call him. We'll still try to settle out of court. But H is going to have to loosen up his wallet quite a bit. And if he doesn't, we'll end up in court. His call.

Who am I kidding? It's *all* his call.

[Train]

Kinda a crappy day, emotionally. So I'm venting ...

I'm trying to wrap my brain around people in affairs. From everything I'm reading - and I'm paying special attention to the wayward spouse's perspective - affairs are like addictions. The partners really do feel like they're wildly in love. They become enamored with one another. They feel the other is their "soul mate." They're willing to risk it ALL for that person ... because, obviously, they feel that person is worth losing their marriages and their families and their homes.

What *I* don't understand is this:

If I'm THAT "in love" with someone - if that person is meeting my emotional needs SO well that I feel SO in love with them - then I cannot IMAGINE being physically attracted to someone else ... and ESPECIALLY the person who I blame for making me so miserable that I had little choice but to leave and give up everything. I mean, if I'm "in love" with someone outside of my M, it would stand to reason that I would be pretty repulsed by my spouse. Right?

Why is it, then, that H came here five days ago and was OBVIOUSLY hanging out with me (not just the kids) while we were outside cooking? We were having awesome conversations. I mentioned wanting to go zip-lining. He said he noticed I was looking into that when I apparently left my computer open last week when he had stopped by. He said, "but that's not your thing" because it's "speed and danger." I reminded him I'd mentioned for two years wanting to go on a zip-line trip. And he replied: "Well let's go!" We made a joke about me paying him back for going to grab something at the store, and we laughed, and he hugged me and - like old times - his hand scooted down to pat my rear. I wasn't expecting it, but I figured it was just a force of habit, so I put it out of my mind. He offered to give D2 her bath and even came upstairs while I was bathing her, which is the first time he's been upstairs since he left. He stayed after to watch our favorite TV show, which used to be our "date night." And you all know the rest ... ugh.

I just don't understand. I mean, I GET that spouses can lead double lives during the A. I get that. But once it's exposed, if he's convinced OW is his soul mate and "the one" for him, why is he still clearly physically - and possibly emotionally - attracted to ME at times? I thought I'm the one that makes him "miserable"??? I'm the one he gave up to be with her.

Sorry for the vent. Just for the record, I'm not second-guessing my position to go "soft NC" - and we've kept our 2 or 3 text conversations in the past two days just about the kids and L - so that's good. But I'm feeling mopey today. If anyone has logic to help explain the phenomenon above, I'd love to hear it. I just kind of feel like I'm being sucker-punched in the gut once every 10 minutes today.

[Starsky309]

Men want (and will pursue) something that appears to be what they can't have. He felt you pulling away, so he pursued you.

People value most that which is difficult to attain.


Starsky

[Train]

This makes me want to cry and beat my head against something, because that tells me I was doing something right! Right??? EXCEPT he won't get rid of OW. So I have NO CHOICE but to change my approach. Ugh!!! Why does this have to be so stupid?????