Hello all and thanks for reading, I strongly beleive my W is in a MLC. This started awhile ago, since her dad passed in 09. He was 51 and one of my closest friends too. She never really grieved the loss, just concerned herself with everyone else including me and our 3 sons. One of our twins became ill shortly after and was hospitalized for several weeks with collapsed lungs. After he recovered my W ruptured her achilles, recovered, lost 40 lbs, and became a fitness junkie more than ever. The manufacturing plant which employs both of us announced a planned closure, and I lost my job shortly thereafter (she will lose hers this year). I was pretty sure what was going on when she became infatuated with her fitness (I got fit too). We bought motorcycles and learned to ride them together. She cut her hair different and pierced her belly button-big change for a normally conservative lady. I thought I was being cooperative with this, as I believed she was experiencing a mild MLC. Now for my mistakes...I have/had an anger management problem. Mostly temper tantrums and yelling, reverted back to parental training. I also became absorbed in my education, employment and projects in the garage-mostly selfish pursuits. I was unable to go to my sons doctor appointments etc. due to the lack of understanding in my new job-very old school factory. I hung alot of the burdens in the house and with the kids on my wife the past couple years, but I explained to her that this would change when I get more time at the job and some personal/vacation time. Last summer I noticed something had really changed. We were not making time for each other. She was wrapped up in her exercising and the kids, while I was focused on work school and projects. She became friends with a guy from work. He and his GF visited our home and we visited them-became friends. There were alot of rumors, but my W has had many male friends in the past without an issue so I was not too concerned. In August we had a few arguments, on in which I told her I had no time for her (I meant it as a frustration and wanted her help, but she took it like I did not want to have time for her). The next argument I accused her of having feelings for the OM. She admitted she did and our in house separation began. We both went for counseling. Me for anger management, her for codependency. I slept in the spare bedroom. She did not want to be in the relationship and almost filed. We both visited lawyers to get perspective on what to expect (she told me later she nearly filed then). The holidays were horrible, and after Jan 1 she asked me to move out so she could "be", which is what her therapist asked her to do. I moved. Our children live with her in the family home. She has become the "fun" parent, letting the kids slide from my "controlling ways." I have tried to be less controlling and the kids have noticed how calm and less angry I am. She does not want any relationship talk, but when we meet (kid pickup or drop-off) she always leads me into talking about the R and her telling me I am manipulative, selfish, or controlling. I do not believe this, but it hurts to hear it from her. She passively blames me for her disappointing career, our finances, the broken stuff around the house, my son's anger problems...but says in the same sentence it is not just my fault. Occasionally she says "sorry" to me a ton of times and says it is all her "fault". My first therapist encouraged me to push for the relationship all I could, which obviously pushed her away more. He retired. My new therapist wanted me to give my W an ultimatum, but thankfully I started reading about MLC and declined to push her anymore. I plan to be in this for the long haul. I understand this is a crisis for her-not about me. I moved out to give her space, and I am trying to stay in contact with my kids as much as possible. I call morning and night, take them to dinner on Wednesdays, and attend as many sporting events as I can. Since I moved out of this codependent relationship I am much calmer and sleep better. I am working on me and this post, although long, is helping. I fully believe she is in a MLC, but she hasn't abandoned the kids and takes good care of them-even though the rule bending has them confused. Occasionally she calls crying over something that my angry son says or does and I try to help without being too pushy about what I am working on. This is my point: What else should I be doing? Different therapist? More reading (I have read about 4 books since moving out)? Get a life-I am working on that too. Any suggestions would be great and thanks for reading this novel...lol
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome NYK - so sorry you are here. My advice (I'm pretty new at this too) is to read all the homework that Cadet listed above. Read all the different situations and post often. Take care of yourself, learn to detach. I also read a lot at the hero's spouse which you can google, they have a lot of articles and resources as well. you are not alone.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thanks so much for this. I have been reading the threads and already feel better. My last discussion with her was on thursday. She told me she is thinking it is over and was pushing for a legal separation. I asked for more time. I am committed to NOT talking about the r with her. I do not have much hope in her changing any time soon, so I am working on me and buying as much time as I can. I can't wait until the weather improves so I can ride my motorcycle!
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
Thank you. I am working on detaching and have been reading the livestrong.com article on detachment. My w has been working on this too, but passively blames me for it and says i "emotionally abused" her. I called her a few names over the years, but I beleive my biggest failing in that way was my defensiveness and intensity...working on it.
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
Today we texted back and forth for awhile. I listened well to our last conversation and did not mention anything i am doing or talk about r. I am now taking the approach that we need to be just "friends" now and work on our sons and ourselves. It felt good to talk to a friend and I came away from the exchange much happier than any we have had in a long time. This is my new 180 and I think I can do this while detaching...
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
Had a great weekend with my sons. They really are my saving grace in this sitch. They enjoy "coming to the city" and staying in my apartment...cant wait until the pool is opened here this summer. 180 going well so far. W flooded snowblower and I offered my help which she accepted. She spoke alot about her trip this weekend and how bad the roads were. Sounded like her old self for a little bit...makes me wonder when the monster will strike again. Oh well.
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
"I have/had an anger management problem. Mostly temper tantrums and yelling, reverted back to parental training. I also became absorbed in my education, employment and projects in the garage-mostly selfish pursuits. I was unable to go to my sons doctor appointments etc. due to the lack of understanding in my new job-very old school factory. I hung alot of the burdens in the house and with the kids on my wife the past couple years, but I explained to her that this would change when I get more time at the job and some personal/vacation time. "
So have you worked on any of these issues?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
