He is trying to get a reaction from you. Keep your head up high and be strong.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Then wait a week and do it. But I don't see it as a nanna-nanna-boo-boo thing, I see it as this: He clearly did it in order to (some combination of):
1. HURT you (so you could see the new "Separated" status); and
2. KEEP TABS on you.
Why would you allow him that, when he has forfeited the right to that kind of control over you?
But that's just me. I have a VERY high "oh yeah?? well SCREW you1!" gene, so you may want to consider me the 'high test score" and get some other opinions on it, lol.
Yes, yes. I can't think of many other reasons for why he'd wait just more than 24 hours after we became FB friends again to change it. And he did mention Sunday knowing I had been off FB for a while after BD. So he showed me an Achilles Heel there. Silly boy.
Honestly? He always told people that the only reason he had a FB account is to see my updates about the kids. He didn't even have FB friends, except for me, until BD. Now he's on there religiously, posting photos of the kids and all his work. (Needing praise.) So when I made that decision to become FB friends again, I thought: He just wants to keep up with the kids. And I'm okay with that.
But now that I think *HE'S* been looking, there might be some GAL photos mysteriously popping up on my page every once in a while. That's the biggest SCREW YOU I can give him.
Two can play this game.
Until I'm not winning.
That's when I'll quit.
'Cause I'm a sore loser.
I change my mind like the wind these days. I'll give it that week, Starsky, and monitor how I'm feeling and then, yes, delete him if I feel it's hurting me.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
This is the debate playing out in my head today. For those of you who have read "His Needs, Her Needs" *AND* DR, you'll probably see this clearly and can help me pull it apart:
HS said the other day that I need to focus on meeting NONE of H's needs. I need to step back and let OW meet those needs ... or try to. We've also established that I need to try to minimize conflict between H and me so that, eventually, the conflict can be between him and OW. And we have decided that H needs to FEEL what he's missing.
I'm struggling, though, with the notion of him "feeling/realizing what he's missing" if I am pulling completely back and out of the picture. So the argument could be: Ok, we were married for 10 years, so we *assume* he knows what he's missing. BUT, clearly I wasn't meeting at least a couple of his needs. So I can't be so sure that he realizes right now - or even eventually WILL realize - what he's missing. Because clearly a lot was missing in our M when he chose to have an A.
In DR, much of the advice seems to be to listen, validate, etc. while working on GAL/180s/detaching. And pay attention to baby steps, indicating things are improving and what I'm doing is working. H and I haven't talked about our R *ONCE* since the BD. It hasn't come up. I've refused to discuss it until he ends his A. Everything I have surmised about the break-down of our M has been from books/research.
Here's the thing: H texted me today to ask how S7 is feeling. I told him he's feeling much better. H said: "He must've gotten a lot of love from his mommy," to which I replied: "Of course!" Then, he started texting about how he's struggling today because he worked until the wee-hours of the morning and was back up in 2 hours to start all over again. And that led to him texting about his work, what he's up to, etc.
H hasn't been contacting me *at all* - unless it's been about the kids - until the past week.
In other words, hearing from H randomly is new territory for me. And, strangely, this is one of the "baby steps" I listed when I first set my goals post-BD: One of the ways I would know things are improving is if he "texts me randomly and it isn't about the kids."
During our M, when H would text about work - and about how unhappy he is - I would become clearly frustrated and tell him essentially to suck it up, buttercup. You've got a family to support. Period. Stopyerbitchin'. (That's because he has a pattern of growing miserable at work, then just snaps and packs up and leaves and goes somewhere else ... sometimes even leaving the family without insurance and in a position of having to settle for less income at a new job.)
I hate to admit that. But it's how I handled it after so many years of him being that way. I didn't try to validate his feelings AT ALL.
So, I'm confused with how to proceed on something like this because:
1. It's a 180 for me to validate his feelings and ask questions about what's going on at work without attacking or criticizing him. And I'm not instigating the conversation; he is. 2. Him texting me is a "baby step" that I have listed as part of my "thinking with a beginner's mind" goals.
HOWEVER ....
1. H hasn't ended his A with OW. 2. I should be attempting to meet none of his needs - including validating him or maybe even *listening* to him - to put the burden on OW to do that so H will feel what he's missing while he's not with me. 3. H's experience with me, when it comes to him talking about his work, has been vastly negative. So if I just don't engage, or if I act uninterested, I'm doing "more of the same."
(I should add that H ended the conversation on a snarky note, saying, "Oh, BTW, I didn't include any of my income from the second job on my proposal. That's a job-by-job pay, and there's not much work for me right now. I don't want to screw you, but I have to protect myself in case there's no work there." I WANTED to say: You're not screwing ME, Ackhole; you're screwing your KIDS. Instead, I just replied: "Ok. I'll let L know." So, yeah, the convo ended with me wanting to strangle him. Again.)
Is anyone following all that confusion? Can anybody pull that apart and help me figure out why it's confusing me so badly? Is it simply that an OW is involved, so that kinda changes things up, from a DB perspective? Help?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
If that is legitimately a pre-his-affair marital complaint (and not some affair-induced "re-writing of marital history" thing), then I think you could make a small adjustment to the "meet none of his needs thing," which I'll get into below, but it should be noted that you're NEVER going to be able to fully reconcile the DB and HN/HN systems, as they are very, very different. (Harley recommends exposure of the affair, MWD does not, for starters, and then MWD is much more "be their best friend, while lovingly detaching").
I think you could try to be more validating specifically about his work stuff, IF:
1) HE brings it up (don't initiate the conversation); and
2) You be the first to end the convo (remember, you're a very busy, interesting, mysterious, GALin' gal!).
I think there are opportunities to give him "glimpses" that you "get it," without going full-on into his BFF mode.
But for the most part, I agree with HS's advice -- and approach.
Well, Starsky. You've pegged one of my biggest issues: I don't KNOW if it's a legitimate pre-A complaint of his. He hasn't complained to me about ANYTHING because I've told him I don't want to talk about any of our issues until he's broken off his A. Even during our M, he never complained about *ANYTHING* I did ... or didn't do. So I have NO idea what, in his mind, I did wrong.
Maybe I should open the floor to that discussion at some point, now that things have calmed down a little. At first, I didn't want to hear his complaints because I *KNEW* he was just lashing out with "rewriting-marital-history-in-the-throes-of-an-affair." It's pointless to try to talk to someone about real, legitimate complaints in that mind frame. My thoughts are: As long as he's with her, he is going to rewrite our marital history, and I'm going to be a villain.
I'm just doing a lot of self-reflection and have identified my responses to his work frustrations as something with which I could have done a lot better.
I cannot be his BFF right now. That's too painful and, in my opinion, one HUGE mixed signal. And I exposed the A in a BIG way. So I guess I've already broken some of MWD's guidelines.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I think it was Cadet, or maybe Jack Three Beans over on the MLC forum, that said to focus on "those things that sting."
YOU know which complaints are legitimate, and which are not. Focus on the ones that YOU know you would need to work on, just to become a better woman and partner, to SOMEBODY going forward . . . even if it wasn't going to be your current husband.
