Sandi can you give me some advice on detaching as I am finding that really hard. Barely an hour goes by where I am not thinking about her and our R. What form does detachment take in these circumstances and how do I display it to her. I know I have been too much of a pleaser and she continues to take advantage. My sister has told me to 'grow a set' and 'Let her fly' I want her to respect me again because I believe that if she does she might change. Just some tips on how to detach would be invaluable as I am really clueless how to do that.
There is a main reason why we cant detach... That reason its acceptance, and acceptance once you reach it its simple...but untill then its seems very complicated. Basically people has choices and so your spouse, when we choose we feel "good" about our choice and face that choice with all the consequences, we dont think about hurting people because we cant see that yet, we are choosing because at that point its making us feel better, your W choose another man not because she hated you, but because at that point it made her feel better being with him that being with you.... Her sel steem got empowered by being with him, so basically she got "high" on what that other man was offering her, at this point you cant win because your self steem its really low so you and this is the key " you doubt every decission you take" now you have to choose but you doubt, she is not doubting (at the moment) her self steem its higher than yours (this could be temporary or forever, we dont know that, neither she) So at this point you are "forcing yourself" to choose, to find what its "right" or good in this situation but you cant find what is that...you doubt if you are choosing properly, you dont want to fail and then loose her... Here in this moment its when Sandi37 rules arrive to the picture and its so extremely important to follow them, because I will describe what its gonna happen: 1st you are confuse and dont know what to do, when you are in this situation just wait as long as its necessary until you are ready to choose.( you will ending choosing to take care of yourself, sooner or later but you will choose that)
2nd read and losten to what she said you did "wrong" not because I believe you did it wrong but because normally in all that big exagerattion of the leaving W there is some true....
3rd Read DBing and other books to find ways to reinforce yourself steem, its important that you believe in yourself, thats the only chance she will come back.
Now just putt it like this, your W for whatever reasons choosed to have an A and ask you for D, all this time that she is not with you, you can use it in two ways, keep saying poorly me, what an ass I was, I treated her so bad or work on yourself, when you did the awfull things she said you did, you did them because you choosed to do them, they made you feel secure at that point and you never though you were hurting nobody, now you realize the did hurt somebody....look for the balance on that.... For example, your W hated that you didnt clean the house.... Did you consider necessary to do that at that time? No, you prefered to watch a movie.... She is stating that you had to follow her standards and she was upset and hurt about it...that was her problem right? Yes it was....now, you can start cleaning the house but is it really what you want to do for yourself? Maybe not, maybe you just want to do it for her to be happy...but where is what you choose?? Thats when our partners start doubting about ourselves, because they dont see us choosing for us...they see us doubting or doing things sonthey are happy and this my friend its a form of invalidating their feelings...
Best thing for you now its to analize as much as you can your past behaviours, see what is that you dont like about you!!
In my case: I dont like to be jealous because I was suffering, not because my W didnt like it but because it was an unpleasant feeling, solution? Find help to overcome that.
Thats the way you go, if you dont work on this things, it will happen something, as human beings we sometimes doubt about our choices so we try to go back and see if we choosed wrong... Your W might end the affair and call you back, and if you still having that level of self steem and showing to the world that you dont know how to choose the best for you...she will hang up the phone and find a new lover.... Or be single, thats why its important this time for yourself, how you use it, will definetly define the outcome of this...
Write in your brain, in this time and untill I am sure about what I really want, my W has no space in my life, and when you feel doubting go back to that..
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
It is vitally important a woman respect her H. She won't have in-love feelings for you as long as she has OM in her head, but you can start doing what you need to do to become the man "you" respect, first. Make sure she displays respectful behavior toward you in your home and in front of your children. You may not be able to control what she does in her private life, but when it's in your presence and in front of the kids.......you can hold her feet to the fire on the respect issue.
This means you have to call her out when she says things that puts you down or sarcastically, etc. If it is in front of the kids, you get her alone and get her undivided attention that you will not tolerate it. (I'm not suggesting anything physical, of course. But be very firm with her.)
She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to show you respect in your own home. And, she will need to respect you as a man before she will desire you the way you want her to.
Another LBH might help you more with suggestions with detaching. I was the WAW in my stitch. But I can tell you what I have heard the others say. Getting out of the house to "get a life" (whatever you enjoy) helps more than anything. Being around other adults, meeting new friends, finding new things to do to...helps you stay interested in life and moving forward. Staying physically fit by eating, exercising, and sleeping well. If you need some AD's to temporarily help, see your doctor, b/c depression is almost expected. If you need to see a therapist, pastor, men's group, or a trusted friend........have someone you can talk to. Don't confuse this with the rule about not discussing your stitch with others. Having a professional or one close friend is for your mental health. find something that encourages you. Read inspirational books, go to church, volunteer to help the elderly or disadvantaged.
All of these things work together to help you feel better about yourself and life in general. It helps you to focus on other things, instead of thinking of W all the time. People say in the beginning you really have to push yourself, but in a short time, you see it does make a difference. You won't stop thinking about her, but it helps to deal better.
Detachment is all about attitude. It is taking your focus away from her and putting it on other things. You stop trying to live to please her, and learn to make life about you and the kids. May seem a little selfish at first, but remember, this is what is needed if you are going to detach from the overwhelming and all consuming pain you are having now. It is needed for you to have balance in your life.
Doing things with the kids is fine, but take time away for yourself. Find some physical activity that will help you work out the frustration, anger, disappointment, and other emotions. I know one guy who had a boxing bag hanging in his garage. He said it did wonders taking his frustrations out punching that bag.
Detaching will not seem normal after being in an intimate R. You nature will want to think of things you should do.....if the M was healthy. But it is not healthy and you do need to use the LRT if you stand a chance in busting a D.
I also suggest you use a calendar. I mean really "use" it. Look ahead to see what holidays or special events are coming. Check out the local paper to see what the community is doing over weekends, etc. Fill in the dates on the calendar. If you don't have somewhere to go,then have friends over and create your own events. Don't be caught facing a long weekend or holidays alone and feeling lonely. Work the calendar!
Set goals of things you would like to do. (Also for self improvement goals.) it is healthy to have things we are planning, looking ahead, and working on. Have fun things planned as well as projects.
These things are all about staying busy & healthy....and keeping your life balanced. Very important while you are detaching (or learning how).
I can tell you what she needs,to see. She needs to see you moving forward and being happy without her! She needs to see that you've left her alone to do whatever she wants, but you really aren't that upset b/c your life is too full to fret too much. She needs to see that you are no longer putting any emotional pressure on her. She needs to see you treating her as if she was just another person. She needs to see she can't push your buttons. She needs to see you can set her free. And if she sees these things, then she will become concerned that maybe she has lost your interest in her..........which would be a good thing for her to worry about.
Before I forget, let me point out that detaching is NOT being mad or acting cold to her. It is not being a jerk. You still show politeness when she comes over. You still listen if she wants to talk. But you don't go overboard with it. If you have to choose which way to go, I'd say it's better to show aloofness rather than show her how vulnerable you really feel (while the M is in this unhealthy state). That may seem cold hearted to some, but you have to be careful about showing a WW too much concern. So really, it is being very much the opposite to what you probably thought you should be doing to save the M. And honestly, you may not save the M, but it will help you save yourself.
When Starsky gets back, he can give you a lot of support about detaching.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Ye21 and Sandi for that advice. I am leaving on my business trip today and my biggest concern is that it will be my first time away from the situation since it all kicked off. I am concerned about the boys considering how detached she has been regarding them (she could hardly wait to leave yesterday which really annoyed me considering it was mothers day) But it will be a good test for me regarding having some time away and I can gauge how I am really feeling. Because I am so busy at home with the boys and with work etc I haven't had much time to myself. I will be resaonably busy while I am away but I will have a fair bit of down time as well and will be spending time with work colleagues and we have a night out organised so that will be good. I know what you are saying Sandi about the vunerability, I do tend to display that even when I am trying not to. It almost seems like I want her to see it thinking that it might make her feel bad and want to come back but of course I know it has the opposite effect. She is so strange around me at the moment also, almost like she is a million miles away. She makes minimal eye contact and is quite curt and brash in the way she speaks to me. I have ( or did have) a good sense of humour and we had a number of little jokes and funny things we used to say to eachother in certain situations. One of them came up yesterday and I made a comment along the normal lines. She just raised her eyes to the sky and grunted with disdain almost as if she resented me for reminding her that we used to do that sort of thing. The other test for me regarding my trip is that I have never really enjoyed being away, I really missed my family and we had a routine of calling and certain messages we used to send when I was away to make the trips more tolerable. I always loved getting home after them and she knows how much I hate them. It is going to be so strange being away and not having that. But I do know that I have to start this DBing properly to stand any chance. I think she is displaying all the signs of a MLC as I have read a lot of the threads regarding this and she matches lots of the symptoms described. The LRT is probably not where we are at just yet but I will go there if necessary.
I had assumed the LRT was when all else had failed. To be honest I haven't done much right up until now so I need to start applying the 37 principles you sent me. The DR book has arrived and I have started to read it. I am determined to follow the guidelines strictly from now on as I know its my only chance.
Okay, good. Unless you are a fast reader, I would suggest you go directly to the chapter on Last Resort Technique and read it now. Then you can go back and read from the beginning.
Your M is in very serious trouble. I don't know at what point you think it would be time to apply "when all else fails" or what you had in mind to try (if anything other than what has been discussed), but don't wait too long thinking about it. Get down to really applying the things on the list.
You may or may not see results right away, but stick to it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok so can you advise me on this? We are due to go to marriage guidance together next week I was going alone but she eventually agreed to go to see them but on her own at first he seemed to vindicate her decision to leave and "find herself" after their first meeting as she said she felt more secure in her decision since the meeting. Maybe he was trying to gain her trust but it annoys me as he has been counselling me for weeks and knows I want to save the marriage. So how do I handle our session together considering I am in LRT mode at the moment?
"I was going alone but she eventually agreed to go to see them but on her own at first he seemed to vindicate her decision to leave and "find herself" after their first meeting as she said she felt more secure in her decision since the meeting."
First of all you don't know if that is what he actually told her. WAS's have a way of embellishing things so that it turns into what they want in the first place. It's their controlling nature. Second, he can only go off what she tells him which you don't know. Third, he was probably VALIDATING what she was saying. Not "vindicating". You'll learn about that the more you read DB/DR.
"Maybe he was trying to gain her trust but it annoys me as he has been counselling me for weeks and knows I want to save the marriage."
Again, you don't know what was REALLY said.
"So how do I handle our session together considering I am in LRT mode at the moment?"
Cancel it and go by yourself. If you go, all she's going to do is re-enforce her "reasons" for leaving. Go to get your head on straight and gain back your self-confidence.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
He was the one who suggested we come together so that he can establish some guidelines going forward. something about clarifying his role in things and what information can and cannot be shared. I'm not sure what to say when there now as I am trying to stick to LRT and don't want to get into a R discussion as I fear it might push her further away. But if I cancel she will accuse me of changing my mind again which she has accused me of a lot in the past few months.
