Take Two ...

[twinmom]

He says mean things to justify to himself the horrible things he is doing to you. Any rational person would never be able to live with themselves after hurting another human being the way cheating spouses hurt their wives/husband

[Train]

Yeah. I think you're right. And I keep reminding myself of that. I also keep reminding myself what HS has said, and HN/HN has said: That until the affair partners start having conflict among THEMSELVES (instead of with me, OH, family, etc.), this pattern of behavior will likely continue.

So I TRY not to create conflict with H. I'm trying MY BEST not to rock the boat. I have not begged him to stay. I have not pleaded. I have not written him. I have not talked about our M or R. I immediately started detaching and GAL. And I have TRIED not to "rock the boat" where H is concerned. But it STILL ends up being a conflict between H and me. He continues MAKING it a conflict between us. Unless I go completely NC, I think he will FIND a reason to try to pick a fight with me. Even when I choose not to engage by being friendly, validating and walking away.

He is full-steam-ahead to throw me to the curb like I've been nothing but a big pile of useless, used-up trash to him.

We have confused the hell out of our kids, who watched as we wrestled with the initial disclosure of what was then supposedly a "text-only" relationship ... to him sleeping in our marital bed (and telling the kids to go watch cartoons, if you know what I mean ...) and him coming home at normal times for dinner ... to now him not even feeling comfortable SITTING DOWN while he has a beer with me on the back patio when he's here, picking up the kids. He has a hard time even stepping into the house. And NOTHING DEFINITIVE HAPPENED to cause that change.

He was just telling us a month ago (even after he moved out): "I love you guys," rubbing my back in front of the kids, kissing my cheek, etc. ... but now he calls the kids BY NAME when he says, "I love you." (And not only does he leave ME out of that "roll-call," he's also not saying it to my older girls, who he has step-fathered for 12 years.)

I want to think his behavior is just him being "out of his mind" with an addiction ... just the way he's being to justify what he's done ... but I'm having a hard time seeing through that fog myself. This is seriously excruciating.

[twinmom]

I have started writing down each hurtful thing H does (like leaving work early every day for her but I would BEG and be made to feel horrible for asking) and I am keeping them in a jar. I tell myself after I put it in the jar I am not to think about it. One day I hope to burn them when I can finally forgive. I think I got the idea from some post on here.....

Maybe this will help to be a release to you?

[Train]

There is NO PAIN (or humiliation) in the world as great as having to text your H at 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday night, asking (while he's on a date with OW) where he put the Drain-O because the bathtub won't drain.

I hate him right now.

[twinmom]

Oh I would have just let the water sit and gone to Walgreens in the morning.....

[Train]

I'm feeling a little better today. Thank God.

[Train]

Journaling ... (but comments/2x4s are ALWAYS welcome ...)

H came to pick up the kids a little while ago for his day with them. He seemed - what's the word? - "soft."

He said he still hasn't written down his "terms" for D. He smiled and asked if we needed to go on a date to work it all out. (A DATE???? ) I WANTED to say "YES!" Instead, I told him that wouldn't be necessary because we don't need to discuss or negotiate things; all he needs to do is write down what he wants, and I'll take it straight to the L (which is what L advised me to say). He reiterated he doesn't want to fight over anything and he wants to work with me on everything. I assured him I felt the same.

(... A DATE??? ...)

S7 had asked earlier this week if H would stay for a cookout tonight. He had agreed. But he always changes his mind. (I don't mind H being here, or hanging out, on his days with the kids; it's all the other days that I don't want him popping in and out or trying to get additional times with the kids.) He noticed that S7 was being really quiet, and he asked me if he was okay. He even asked S7 if he was sure he wanted to go today. I told him S7 was fine and absolutely wanted to hang with his dad. This is just SO weird because usually S7 is so excited to go places with his dad. I'm guessing he was so quiet and clingy today because, for the first time, he saw me sobbing last night. I guess I needed a good, cleansing 10-minute cry. Despite my best efforts to hold back the flood gates, I just couldn't do it any more. And S7 sat on my lap and held my hand and said: "You know what momma? It's just like in a show: There's always a villain. But in the end, everything turns out okay."

He melts my butter.

I asked H if he would have S7 and D2 home in time for dinner; he said he would. I reminded him he could stay and even use that time to write down his "terms" for me to deliver to L tomorrow. He asked if D16 and D17 would be okay with him being here. I told him we HAVE to eventually learn how to co-exist, but that if they weren't comfortable with him being here, they'd just leave ... as usual. (Not getting in between them and TRYING to make them sit down and hash things out is a MAJOR 180 for me; I'm typically a "fixer.")

So then H - obviously standing quite close - started picking something off my tank top, on my belly, and trying to wipe something off. First time he's intentionally touched me in what feels like forever. Heck, it's the first time he's allowed himself to be CLOSE enough to touch me.

An awesome Jeep drove by, and H and I were both gawking at it ... so much so that the driver smiled and waved. I waved back and giggled because he obviously caught us staring. H started laughing and said: "He waved because he wants you!"

Who knows the man H will come back as when he brings the kids home for dinner? Who knows whether he will be be nice or mean? Close or distant?

I know it shouldn't matter. I get I need to keep doing the same things, even though I feel he's constantly sending mixed signals.

But this is a special kind of hell, isn't it?

Y'all send me positive vibes this evening; I need them.

[twinmom]

I said a prayer for you at mass today.... keep doing what your doing! Your an awesome person

[Train]

How thoughtful and selfless of you! Thank you so much, twinmom!! Hugs to (and prayers for) you!

[twinmom]

Just hoping your night was peaceful. More prayes that aaffairs end horribly and very quickly.....