Take Two ...

[HopefulStill]

Yes, he might have different tastes, but sometimes "new" can be attractive in and of itself (within reason, of course ).

Additionally, your husband's top needs may be different than what the "typical" male might have on their list. Maybe that's a reach....

If you're reading "HN, HN", then you know that right now all of their conflicts are with people outside of them : you, her H, family, etc.. Once their conflicts start becoming about each other- BOOM! Clearly, neither of them has the relationship skills to deal with an A partner that refuses to be absolutely *perfect*!

Maybe you should send the OW a "care" package full of chocolate, chips and other fattening carbs? You know, to get her mind off the stress of divorce.
Then again, maybe that's against DB principles....I'm just feeling evil

Hs

[Train]

Ahhhhhhhahahahaha!!!! I'm dying!!! That would be hysterical!

Starsky, yep, the lure of forbidden fruit. Even if it's ugly fruit. That's really what it's all about at first, no? Makes sense.

I've seen signs of agitation in H the past few days. And the fact that he texted last night, conceding "I get what you're saying ..." really took me by surprise and made me wonder (but then I caught myself and stopped - ha) if there's trouble in Paradise already. Regardless, he didn't stop by at lunch today, and he hasn't called or texted. So he's clearly (at least for today) respecting my boundary.

To heck with him and his hideous OW!! (At least for today) ...

[Train]

Just got a call from a friend whose neighbor is friends with OW.

She said OH is divorcing OW, filing for child support, alimony AND full custody of D11.

I wanna give him an "attaboy" right now. Except he asked me not to contact him. So I won't.

H had told me a few weeks ago that he had told OW he would pay any/all her legal fees associated with me "going after her." (He didn't mention paying her legal fees for D, but I wouldn't put it past him since he's "in love" with her. He's also stingy with his money.) He says he takes full responsibility for the A, and he's willing to pay, financially, for her.

Now my concern is that H - who has unilaterally decided to keep our sizable (at least sizable for *us*) income tax return for himself and offered to pay out of that fund any "legit legal bills" I bring him - is going to be paying for HER an atty because she went to the neighbor with a sob story about how she has no money for one. The neighbor is going to offer her some money, to help her fight for custody of D11. But I am thinking H will offer her some, too.

I'm not sure how to handle this. My L has asked me not to rock the boat with H because once I do, I'll take a financial hit. But I'm going to be TICKED if I DON'T try to get my hands on half the tax refund (I *am,* after all, a single mom of 4, and it would be very helpful) ... and then he turns around and gives it to OW for an atty.

Am I projecting? This would be synonymous, though, with using our family $ to pay for OW. But without me having access to H's current bank account, I won't know what he's doing with that $ that's legally supposed to be half-mine.

I don't know what the heck to do with this one. Seems I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Obviously it's a question for my atty, but this is a move that may require some tactic and strategy. Should I say something to H, or no?

[Starsky309]

Can you maybe come up with something SPECIFIC you'd like to do for yourself, that amounts to roughly half of what the tax refund is, and let him know you'd like to get/do it? Instead of asking or saying "You know, I expect half of that refund, as it rightfully belongs to me" ? (even though it does)


Starsky

[Train]

Wellllll, I *have* been considering prepping to take the LSAT and possibly going to law school. I know that sounds like a HUGE (and expensive) decision to tackle right now, especially for a SAHM. But it's *always* been in the back of my mind, and H knows it. (And there are grants/financial aid out there for SAHMs like me!) Just not sure I'm ready to put S7 in school and D2 in daycare. The expense of daycare, in and of itself, is a huge turn-off for me jumping back into work/school.

The *other* problem with using that is I'd have to spend months prepping for just the LSAT. So there's no *immediate* need for that amount of $. So that may not be an option to use right now.

Then I thought: How about something specific for the house? But he knows I'm moving out sooner than later. So I don't think that would fly, either.

Maybe a trip with the kids?? A cruise? Disney/Legoland?

If I make it about the kids, he'd likely be more open to voluntarily sharing.

But if he's still thinking that he's saving that $ for OUR legal fees - or even thinking that he might use it to help OW - I expect he's going to be really stingy with it. The fact that he routed it into his business account instead of our family account speaks to his plans to control it. He feels he's entitled to it, I'm sure, since he's the only one of us who worked outside the home last year. He doesn't "get" that whatever he had in 2013 is half mine. He seriously doesn't get that. I don't mean this to be ugly, but when it comes to common sense, he isn't the brightest bulb in the pack.

I guess I could come up with something and approach him, "acting as if" he'll say yes?

If I'd have to approach him with the "it's rightfully mine" attitude, I'd rather he goes ahead and gives OW her $, and then I can make sure my atty includes my half of the refund in any future financial paperwork/support payments H has to pay.

That's assuming, though, D is inevitable for us.

Too danged much to consider here ...

[Train]

Scratch all that. Big new on the homefront, fellas.

H has sought legal counsel and is ready to file.

This all started with a conversation about the tax refund. But forget that crap now. My L told me not to worry about that; it'll all be settled by the courts.

THE COURTS. Ugh. Those are two words I've been trying to AVOID.

H says his L says this D will be "easy." (I've told *my* L that I want it to be PAINFUL.)

Trying to do a little damage-control, I told H (through the urging of my L, who is a mutual friend) to bring me his terms - whatever he thinks is fair and reasonable (i.e. whatever he and his attorney drew-up) - tomorrow, and I will take it to my L (again, our mutual friend). (This is the first time I've informed H that our mutual friend is willing to handle it; I should have done this earlier, but I was trying to buy time.) He just replied: "K." I will not negotiate said terms with H. If my L thinks everything is fair and reasonable, he will draw-up papers that we both can sign.

These would only be S/custody-visitation papers; we have to wait 12 months from our S to D. So next March 3.

I just *thought* I had convinced H to wait until June for me to file. He's been plotting and planning and wasn't going to say anything, apparently, until I was served. I should have assumed that all along.

I don't know how OH's information plays into this; my L says my strategy is the same, apparently even given the new information.

I want to call H a really mean name right now. I actually kind of want to beat my head against a wall. Scream at something (somebody?). Cry my eyeballs out. And curse the day either of those two (H and OW) were born.

I'm going to go practice deep-breathing now.

Any encouraging/supportive words ... jokes ... reminders of how affairs always end in disaster in just 6 months ... would be helpful.

[twinmom]

I think you should take the kids to Disney, do it on a budget (if you need help with that let me know I am VERY good at that) and save the rest of the money for you.

[twinmom]

I really do hope affairs end in disaster quickly. You are in my prayers right now. I HATE liars and affair partners who seem to be "perfect"

[Train]

Yeah, well, the tax refund is now a moot point now, I'm afraid. If I have any $ leftover after he Ds me, you can bet I'll be in touch for some Disney deals. I'm gonna need it!

[Train]

I just don't get it. I know I'm in a downward spiral right now ... and I'll pull myself out of it quickly ... but I just don't understand. I know I'm not perfect. I know I obviously wasn't "enough" when he needed it. But after being SO incredibly loyal to him, especially in the face of what happened in 2005 ... literally standing by him like a freakin' dedicated pit bull ... and birthing two of his children ... how can he just turn on me/our family like this? This seemingly easily (besides his confusion at first, when he was still staying here and in my bed)? With no warning?

I just don't understand how he can be so freaking HATEFUL toward me all of a sudden. Even when he was cheating and still here, he was mean about me in texts, but he was extremely nice and loving to my face!

I know couples who have divorced (heck, I know some who have even CHEATED) that NEVER talked about their spouses the way he has spoken about me to OW. They've had nothing but kind, respectful things to say about one another - even to their OP - because, at the very least, their spouses are the father/mother of their children. I mean, I've known people in EAs who don't even talk about their spouses to one another. Why is the bad-mouthing necessary? Why is the meanness necessary? To justify what they're doing in their own minds?

I'm the one who's being cheated on and abandoned with 4 kids who are heart-broken, and I STILL talk about the positive things he did as a H ... and what an amazing father he is.

I'm not an awful, mean person. I have a HUGE, forgiving heart. He KNOWS this about me. But he is literally using that to his advantage right now, ripping my heart out and stomping on it over and over and over. EXACTLY the way he did in 2005. A carbon copy. And WHYYYYYYY?? (I hate that question and feel I'm in the cast of Steel Magnolias right now, just asking it with that tone of voice.)

So, who's the dummy? Him? ... Or ME?