Each Time I find myself lyin' flat on my face...

[LoisB]

Thanks to everyone for the support today.

I really appreciate it. I didn't receive any replies.

I have PMDD. I have taken a combination of Prozac and Yaz to control it for the past 15 years. About six months ago, I stopped taking the Yaz because of our insurance change and the expense. I also stopped the Prozac because I was doing well on another medication.

I started my period today. Last night, I was miserably depressed with some really negative thoughts.

I started the Prozac back up today. I need to remember this about a month from now. My symptoms always get worse when it's the dead of winter and I'm stressed. I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm seeing the result.

I'm sorry for the drama today and yesterday. I noticed this a month ago, and a few months back, when I noticed I sunk into a deep depression a few days before my period. Then, my period started and I felt better and shrugged it off. I can't do that.

I hope I didn't do too much damage. I still feel that some of what I sent needed to be said to them. But, knowing them, they will blow me off as crazy, like they always do. I guess it really doesn't matter in the long run.

I'm sorry K for jumping down your bones for trying to protect me.

Turns out, AJ said it all when he suggested I put my 4th goal first. Seems to be the ticket for me. Take care of myself and let the other stuff fall into place.

Please accept my apology for setting off a whirlwind of posting about my self-inflicted drama.

[job]

Heather,
There is no need to apologize. We do understand what you are going through.

As for the in-laws, you've said what you needed to say and now it's time to let it go. Did you mail the support documents? If not, please do so.

Please take care of yourself and stay on your meds.

[bustingout]

Hi heather

Fwiw it took me some time to seeand become aware of my emotional vulnerabilities during my time of the month. Once I became aware of how sensitive and negative I could let myself feel around that time I have been able to control myself a lot more and learn to not make any decisions at that time :-)

I hope you are dong better today :-)

[LoisB]

The support letter is in the mailbox waiting to be picked up.

I already feel so much better, just from taking the medicine for two days.

I struggled with this hard when we were first married and H really stood by me. I tried all kinds of remedies from strict changes in my diet to different meds...He really put up with a lot. It runs in our family. D19 has the same symptoms.

I remember when I went into labor with D19, I was mystified because my contractions were no worse than my menstrual cramps. My moods were always erratic and I would become very impulsive.

Years of the Prozac and, then, when I discovered Yaz, it was such a Godsend. Yaz is really a remarkable drug for women like me. But, I had been so stable for so long, I guess I didn't consider that it could come back. I put D19 back on the Yaz but didn't want to spend the money on myself. I will see if the Prozac does the trick--I actually think it will, but I will need to be more vigilant about taking care of myself.

I've thought about those earlier struggles with PMDD a lot during this journey. I can say for a FACT that hormones can alter your sense of what's real.

There were times when I was absolutely convinced Smokey was the source of ALL my problems. I was convinced. Then, when I began a treatment that worked, I felt like I was coming down from a hangover. I was so embarrassed and regretful for how I had treated him. If someone had come along at those weak moments when I was so full of fog, I may have had an affair. I probably wouldn't have succumbed because of my family history, but, I'm sure I would have been tempted.

My sister did the same thing at one point. She has some similar issues. She moved to Houston, partly because of her terrible SAD in the winter.

I mailed it.

When the depression lifts, I find myself getting more done, taking action and wanting to reach out to friends and family.

Thanks for all the support.

[LoisB]

Just received a text from Smokey:

"I will be over tomorrow around noon to see D11."

Me: I think that sounds great. What time?

Smokey: Said noon.

[job]

Stay positive. Do not get into any details about what you sent to his father. This is his time to "bond" w/his daughter. I'm sure you'll be able to find something to do while he's there.

[LoisB]

Ok. I am actually pleased that I was heard on this point.

I will remain positive. I promise.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Here's a little pressie from a spiritual site that made me think of you. Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fostering Equanimity


As many begin the spiritual path, it is important to reflect upon your current life-situation – to observe one’s self without complaint, accepting all as it stands as to how events and circumstances have turned out. Doing so is no way a behaviour or attitude of resignation to life, but a mature acceptance that there is much to improve and you have every intention to bring forth all the necessary changes that will nourish your journey and provide learning opportunities at each step through the choices you will make. Remember dear ones, when you finally realize that any situation that is presented to you at any given time is merely a creative theatrical backdrop or décor where you play an important key role, understanding and clarity becomes evident. Everything and all people that interact with you are merely part of the décor and they too hold a role to your never-ending learning and development of your Self. Learning how to control and manage your inner self and the drama that can easily unfold is what truly counts and what will help you find peace and harmony in any situation.

We know you are bombarded by distractions and temptations from the many interactions you have and from social pressure…it can be hard to remain balanced and focused but never impossible. As you meander down your path you will come to appreciate your ability to learn to overcome your ego’s encouragement to allow distractions to derail you. It does take great discipline and effort, but when your will is strong enough you will be able to resist distractions and not lose your inner calm when interacting with distressed people that tend to be demonstrate out-of-control emotions and feelings without a single thought beforehand. Meditation is a great tool to foster equanimity and peace of mind; through meditation you are able to rise above narrow-mindedness and welcome new and different perspectives.

We often see many dear souls harboring resentment and discord towards others just because they don’t agree with their beliefs or can’t make others see the world as they do. It is important for each dear person to be able to view the world that you share that fits with their beliefs and values without prejudice or criticism. The world and the views of its people are always changing through interactions—imperfections are realized and in time those imperfections will be recognized as individual and beautiful. It serves little purpose to spend precious energy on anger and frustration when you could be using your energy to love, to be compassionate and to offer charity whenever possible. When you are able to accept every dear soul for all that they are with their perfections and imperfections then positive changes will occur on regular basis. Remember dear ones you are not meant to be exactly like your neighbor or fellow brother or sister of God, you are meant to be you, but inside you is a beautifully beating heart that is more than capable of giving and receiving unconditional love.

Regardless what you are facing, if you are sick, on your own, in financial disarray, rich, employed, unemployed, etc., at some point in your life you will be called upon by life to apply certain qualities such as inner strength, perseverance, compassion, integrity, concentration, and other fine virtues. Regardless where you are standing right now with life, there will be demands required by you to fulfill and commit to. Unsuspecting changes will present themselves and some will take your breath away at the speed of their arrival. As each new situation unravels you are given many choices and one of them is to regard any current situation as a valuable teaching component that will help cultivate and develop the best possible perspective and outline for your personal qualities and virtues to be put into practice. It is too easy to groan and complain when life throws a challenge at you. But when you are able to see that what is unfolding before is to help you with your spiritual progress, you are able to settle down and face the situation with gratitude and optimism knowing when all is done and the challenge has passed that you will become wiser and understand yourself at a deeper level.

We understand how difficult it can be for some folks to detach their emotions from events and situations but when you remove your emotions form anything you have experienced that felt pleasant, good, bad, painful, uncomfortable or other feelings you are able to see with sharper clarity because you are not identifying emotionally to any feeling of any event – you are able to see each emotion of each event as mere visitors to the unfolding of you and of your development and growth – you learn how to go with the flow and take things in stride as they come, not allowing yourself to become weighed down by discord or disharmonic thoughts or feelings.

We encourage you to embrace every situation with equanimity. Face the responsibility of your choices, and work at finding solutions that are effective and helpful. If you are coming from a place of calm composure or equanimity, there is never any reason to feel overwhelmed by any task that is expected of you to fulfill. As you learn to deal with one thing at a time, eventually all things will get done. There can be great stress added when you try to multi-task and we know at the workplace multitasking is a great skill and asset but it is also a stress causer. Slow down a little, take time to breathe throughout your day so you can refresh your energy supply. Each of you are resilient and you will always bounce back from any challenging situation but when you face each challenge with calmness, bouncing back won’t take as long—it becomes a smooth transition.

At the spiritual, mental and physical levels of your being, Will is continuously called upon, even while meditating, your will is essential. Through meditation you are choosing to sit, to be calm, to empty your thoughts, to control the posture of your spine, to be focused and so much more. Your will is included in everything that you are a part of. Through meditation and quiet contemplation you learn to develop right behaviour and attitudes towards yourself and others, and this development does directly strengthen your awareness. The moment you are able to remove your emotions from your desires and wishes, you become more patient and mindful and so much more is able to get accomplished.

As you develop more self-discipline, you will discover it becomes easier to do the Right things when they are meant to be done with little to no effort. You will not feel like you are being forced. As you continue to work towards equanimity, you will learn to drop emotional attachments and learn to accept yourself for who you are with all your imperfections and perfections and you also learn to accept others the same way, you are able to accept any situation you find yourself in and be more accepting of the world as a whole.

Equanimity provides you with the ability to distinguish the normalcy of genuinely caring and loving from the negative feeling of being bound and chained to the identification of things and feelings that you once clung to. As you accustom to being more composed and calm understand dear ones that at any moment, life can present certain circumstances to arise that will try to pull you out of your calm presence and back down into the world of reactions. These circumstances are of course unwelcomed because they send waves crashing into your peaceful composure that force you to respond. It is important dear ones that during such times, it is the quality of your composure or equanimity that will provide the helping hand that will illuminate the best way to respond that is not reactive, where you can maintain composure. When you are able to choose to respond, act and make changes from the context of acceptance then you are coming from a state of equanimity; you are solid and flexible at the same time.

You are already aware that in time all things come to an end, including your own body and those that are closest to your heart and soul as they grow with age, or with illness and dis-ease. Even your material belongings begin to age and depreciate. By being able to see this truth, you are also able to see that your emotions and feelings also end over time. However dear ones, you are the one to control the duration of their stay. Your emotions and feelings are not meant to control you and you are not meant to be defined by your emotions. When you come from that calm and composed state, you open a timeless door of opportunity and growth…where everything becomes seamless and timeless. This place of peace is meant for you to embrace and to become.

Remember whenever you are participating in deep meditation, you are met with deep silence and peace as you embrace the conscious energy you enter. The vastness of your conscious energy that comes into your mind also comes into your heart. The conscious energy that is within your emotions when met at this peaceful place will typically create acceptance and equanimity. As you become more established and comfortable in the states of equanimity, even if these states are impermanent, you are primarily setting the stage for your higher emotions to be released into higher states of consciousness, such as unconditional love and compassion, to demonstrate pure joy and faith with yourself, God and with all other dear souls.

Embrace your peaceful and calm nature for it is beautiful. Allow the gentleness of equanimity to direct your path, and to bring peace and calm into all things that you are part of. You can rush around all you want, but the more you rush the more anxious and stressful you become and peace cannot be found within you nor can it be created from you. You will reach all that you are meant to; rushing any task rarely produces desired results or outcomes. Tackle each step of your path with patience, love and equanimity – trust and have faith that you will achieve everything exactly when you should. Believe that God is there with you, because He truly is; ready to lend a hand or a shoulder whenever you are in need of additional support, love and guidance.

And so it is…

I AM Ascended Master, Serapis Bey

[LoisB]

Thank you Wonka, this is beautiful.

I will focus on this as I prepare for tomorrow. I need to keep my cool. I'm sure he is angry. And, probably scared. I will work to to remain centered in what I believe is MY truth.

My truth. I can stay planted in my truth, my journey. I haven't done anything wrong. I need to remember this, because, in the past, he has tried to deflect and cover me in his sad feelings. I'm stronger now and I can handle this. I spoke my truth and he is honoring part of it by coming tomorrow and I appreciate that. I was heard on one point. I'm grateful for this, for the sake of my daughter who has lost her dad.

[LoisB]

I wonder what role Vitamin D plays in the menstrual cycle? It used to be that my PMDD would get steadily worse and worse as the winter continued. It would reach its worse in April. I could pretty much count on being suicidal by April, especially around my period.