We have been separated since February and I have gotten to a good place of moving forward and finding happiness. I have realized that it was not meant to be between me and my stbx. We were not compatible. He did not treat me well. He never did care to get to know me as a person..who I am and what my interests are. He never showed me much affection and often snapped at me over such trivial things.
But the latest confession by him that he is now seeing the woman that I suspected he was having an EA with has me asking all sorts of questions. I had always wondered if he had been interested in someone else and he always swore that there was no one. Now we are separated and I am moving on..apart from him. So does it matter now if I found out what really happened in our marriage that tore our marriage apart? Is it totally irellevant now or I am wondering if it will help give me closure in finding out. We had a beautiful family and it was tore apart. Now do I need to find out why or just forget about it and keep moving forward?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
CP, no matter where we are in our journey, finding out something like that hurts. I am so sorry.
Only you can answer those questions. I will tell you for me, most of it didnt really matter at the end of the day. The marriage was over. She wasnt the reason. She was a symptom of a crisis. So, the details of that just didnt serve me well.
I guess you have to ask yourself, will knowing make a difference in your life. Will it move you forward or hold you back?
You know this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is broken and still trying to find what will fix him.
You know your truth, sweetie. Make your life amazing.
Aaaw Chase, I'm so sorry. No matter when you learn about the O.W. it hurts. I remember reading all of your posts, you were a couple of months ahead of me. I had such hopes you two would make it.
You stood by him, and your marriage. You have great children. Please don't let his issues hold you back or become yours.
You are adorable , lovable, tender, and worth so much more than he'll ever come to realize.
You can and will keep moving forward. There will also be times when you just need a good cry. That's okay, and relieves stress, so you can grow even more.
Love you cutie pie! <3. Hugs and a pump!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I just did a little catching up on your sitch. Brook is right on with this. They create their own reality to justify their actions.
I'm sorry you are finding this info out. It's the PITS! I didn't know for months. It caught me way off guard, as I really believed him and he hid it until he couldn't anymore.
I went through various things about what I did want to know. My sitch is a little different, but the hurt of ow is the same, I'm sure.
For awhile (it's been a month since I found out) I didn't focus on her (by "awhile", I mean a couple days). Then I wondered the same as you... about closure and everything. So for a couple of weeks I didn't really find much out and kept "her" at an arms length, yet it always festered at the forefront of my mind. It was a back and forth battle for me. But, I will tell you what... I have learned SOME things about their sitch. I don't want to know too much, it is just hurtful, and I don't want my mind to really focus on it. For example, I just found out they (along with her 2 yr old) went on a cruise in May (he said he was away for work). If I let it, this really gets to me. I think about them traveling together, him taking care of this little kid, the 3 of them sharing a room together. We have been together since teens, so really, we've experienced everything together. We've never been on a cruise, so this bothers me. See... it can take control of your thoughts... you have to stomp them out!
On the other hand, some of the stuff I have found out has helped me. Nothing in particular, I guess, has just answered some questions. That keeps my mind from spinning.
So I guess it really does depend on you and what you do want to know. The bottom line is this, putting some of the puzzle pieces together has helped me move on. I keep in mind that their r is based on lies, secrets, and infidelity. They may think that they are living the dream, but they are very selfish people. Anyone who does that is selfish. She put herself before my kids and my family. He did the same. I don't see them putting each other before their own needs for a long time. There is way too much interference, and they only care about making themselves feel good.
If you do find out info, make sure you do it from a very detached place. Make sure you can bear it. You don't need to know every little detail. That is like terrorism to your brain and heart! If you need answers in order to put your mind at rest, so be it. This may not be what others advise you to do. I am just giving you my perspective. This is new for me, but I am making strides.
I wish you the best of luck. I know it's tough, but it seems like you are doing very well considering the circumstances. I will be cheering for you!
"I have realized that it was not meant to be between me and my stbx. We were not compatible."
There is no such thing as people being "meant" to be. That's just a fantasy. The same as compatibility. What is important is the effort that is made in a relationship.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wow, thank you so much everyone. That has really given me a lot to think about and ponder. I am always so overwhelmed when reading the responses. I feel like I just need to think about some things and stew it over, because in the end I am not really sure what I need, or what will give me closure. I do know that I just need to put this all behind me, and move forward. This is just another bump along the way.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
CP, no matter where we are in our journey, finding out something like that hurts. I am so sorry.
Thanks UR <3 Yep, it's true! I was caught so off guard by his telling about this new development,and it does hurt. I thought I was ready for it, but I wasn't. It would have been easier, IMO, if he had been dating someone else, but this seems to sting more.
Mighty, thank you so much for your response. A lot of what you wrote really resonates with me, as I feel the same way about OW and the children. This is new for me and I am still getting used to the idea of my children being around her and her family. I am sure this will open up a whole new set of scenarios/situations that I will have to face, and it's hard to have to deal with that on top of the separation.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
On the other hand, some of the stuff I have found out has helped me. Nothing in particular, I guess, has just answered some questions. That keeps my mind from spinning.
I am tending to lean toward this idea, of perhaps just getting a few of the puzzle pieces so that my mind is not spinning/reeling. I tend to overthink things, and analyze things to death. My mind really wanders. And I think that not knowing is going to bother me. Of course, knowing won't be easy either, but at least I will have an answer. And for sure I don't need to know the torrid details!
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
You know the truth, we know the truth, she probably knows the truth but your STBX does not know the truth.
Reading your response really hit home. Yep, I know the truth, I can feel it and I just know. Just like I already knew the whole time, as it was going on, it was intuition. No matter what he said, I could just tell. He says things now like they were just friends, and that they had talked about our marriage problems (ugh!!). He said they went on a 'date' while we were separated back in October. Funny cause he never told me that when he wanted to reconcile in November! ha ha. Whether he wants to admit it or not, there was clearly an EA, and I realize that. So I guess that doesn't need to be discussed with him. I guess all I really want to know is whether they had PA while we were together. And he probably wouldn't own up to that either! :P
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I have realized that it was not meant to be between me and my stbx. We were not compatible."
There is no such thing as people being "meant" to be. That's just a fantasy. The same as compatibility. What is important is the effort that is made in a relationship.
I agree, MrBond. (although I do feel that certain people are better suited for each other, for sure!) I was a great wife and mother, and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. I would have worked through any of our problems. He had other plans though, and left me, not once but twice. I had DB'ed my little heart out to no avail. The 2nd time he left was when I decided it was time to move on. And it was after he left this February that I did a lot of reflection about the relationship. And he did not treat me very well during our relationship. I fully own up to my mistakes and have done a lot of reflection about that as well, and made a lot of changes within myself. I do feel that I will be much happier without him.
Well I have a lot of things to think about ,thank you so much everyone! <3 CP
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Aaaw Chase, I'm so sorry. No matter when you learn about the O.W. it hurts. I remember reading all of your posts, you were a couple of months ahead of me. I had such hopes you two would make it.
You stood by him, and your marriage. You have great children. Please don't let his issues hold you back or become yours.
You are adorable , lovable, tender, and worth so much more than he'll ever come to realize.
You can and will keep moving forward. There will also be times when you just need a good cry. That's okay, and relieves stress, so you can grow even more.
<3 Thank you so much, Ambivalent. You always understand! And your words mean a lot.
"Please don't let his issues hold you back or become yours." ...
Yep! I need to keep this in mind for sure. Because of regardless of what is going on with him (and he is spinning.. still in crisis mode, I believe).. I am going to continue on my own path of moving forward, on to exciting and new adventures. I am quite happy right now, things are going extremely well for me.
He explained to me yesterday that he has been dealing with depression. He says he has talked to the doctor and counsellor and they trace it back almost 10 years. He had no idea. But I know that his personality and behaviour has changed drastically over the course of our relationship. I do feel for him. And talking to him about it kind of helped me understand where he was coming from when everything was going on. I wish him well, and hope that he can find his way.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Feeling less and less lately that I need to find out the details of the relationship between my H and OW while we were together. It doesn't matter now. I know that our relationship is over now, and I am moving on. I do however, want to know if there was PA, that seems reasonable to me. Other than that, I do not want to know any details. I already know EA.. but the details of that don't matter. I think finding out would only cause more hurt.
~ CP
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
